Feminist novice

[ethelfleda]

Or am I?
I usually haunt AIBU and over the years have learned a fair bit about feminism. But I feel like I want to know more. Like it’s calling to me or something.
I am sitting here and wondering strangely how different my life may have been if I had always been a feminist.
I spent my late teens and 20s thinking that if I wanted to be liked, I needed to be the ‘cool girl’ the one that knows how to hang out with the lads, and more importantly ‘the cool girlfriend’

• the one that never questions her boyfriend, because she doesn’t want to be a ‘bunny boiler’ or a ‘nag’

And I still, to some extent, carry that around with me today. Things piss me off and I say nothing because I want to be seen a certain way. And to be honest, I’m fucking sick of being a doormat.

I think this post is asking to be educated by you lovely ladies. What shall I read? Learn about? What can I do to feel more empowered - for myself and for others? How can I raise my gorgeous 2 year old son to respect women?

Thanks

Everyone has "a journey" and people come into feminism from different experiences.
Leaving prostitution was my "journey"!

So don't worry about (as you call it) "being a doormat" I'm sure you are just a normal person like everyone else, and all feminists want to be liked too.

Raising sons, it's hard because you can't shield them from the influence of their friends, but first and foremost children are influenced by what they see in their immediate home environment. Independence is a big factor, I presume you are not completely dependent on a man at home? You're not letting a man in the house treat you badly/take you for granted? All of those sorts of things are important. (I only mention those things because they are unfortunately common).

Welcome!

Remember, the truth will set you free, but first it will really really piss you off.

Reading - I'd maybe go for Susan Faludi's Backlash or Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch. If you're of a scientific turn of mind, Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender (or, from a "how we use language" angle, Deborah Cameron's The Myth of Mars and Venus).

And if you fancy novels, obviously there's The Handmaid's Tale, but also Naomi Alderman's The Power.

With your son (I've got a son too, bit older now) - keep with the message that you can like and play with whatever toys you want, there's no boys' toys and girls'toys. Let him express emotion. And start laying foundations of be kind to others, think about how they feel, and the good old "it's only a game if everyone is smiling.

If you feel like a people pleaser, then how about you start with some books on assertiveness?
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/assertiveness

Thank you for the replies

I presume you are not completely dependent on a man at home? You're not letting a man in the house treat you badly/take you for granted?

No, definitely not completely dependent on DH and not taken for granted by him.
DH has two very feminist sisters

inebriati I have ordered that book, thank you for the recommendation!

DH has two very feminist sisters
Brill So with two feminist sisters and a feminist wife, no escaping!

Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez – a world designed for men
Was recently published and very good.

I second the notion to challenge gender stereotypes where you see them. Boys can like and do anything, girls can like and do anything, outside of obvious physical limitations. After puberty boys/men and girls/women are physically very different, and this needs to be respected.

Unfortunately the world of feminism gets dark quite quickly, eg when you start looking into things like porn and prostitution, so you need to be prepared to look at it analytically, not emotionally.
Any critique of these things immediately gets you accused of "hating men!" So it can all be quite off-putting.

And I still, to some extent, carry that around with me today. Things piss me off and I say nothing because I want to be seen a certain way. And to be honest, I’m fucking sick of being a doormat

I actually think some of what you are saying is down to personality, rather than just the fact of being female. I'm female and have never been afraid to speak my mind or do my own thing. Integrity has always been important to me. I do none of this based on having read feminist texts ( even though I have, of course), but because it is my nature.

I'd suggest reading some psychotherapeutic material; perhaps something humanistic in approach. Or maybe something Jungian.

I am not aware that any psychotherapeutic text or anything humanistic have forwarded feminism!

I think it is tricky recommending any particular reading as what will mean most to you will be the one that strikes a cord. For me it was a Margaret Atwood novel (an early one) called the Edible Woman. But it may have no relevance to you at all.

One way of building on your interest if feminism and wanting to act on it might be to link up with a group. There aren't that many local groups, but there may be a group of campaign working on an issue that is particularly important to you. By joinging them, reading their literature and maybe getting involved will help you build up your confidence to be more overtlly feminist!

What are the things that piss you off! The way men talk about women? Equal pay? Gender stereotypes? Male violence against women? Pornography? or .....

I think I need to find a good female role model. Role models to me in my youth were women who had good figures or pretty faces. How vapid.

And I think I can’t feel motivated to be more assertive if it is just for myself. I can feel motivated if it’s linked to feminism - but I can’t really explain why.

Speaking up for yourself, in any circumstance, is a form of feminism!
Start small and see how it makes you feel

I love it when people ask "What should I read?" An excuse to go and stare at the bookshelves for a while!

Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates is a good one if you want to get yourself in a towering rage and may give you the courage to not be a 'doormat'.

A Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft is an interesting place to start - demonstrates women have been railing against this shit for a lot longer than some would have you believe.

And my slightly random recommendation is the very first women's rights themed book I ever read, at the tender age of about twelve, about the French prostitutes who went on strike and occupied churches in the 70s. Prostitutes: Our Life edited by Claude Jaget.

And, of course, if you want to realise you're looking at your DH through somewhat rose-tinted spectacles (as we all do), Wifework by Susan Maushart is the way to go.

Thank you Barbara for recommending one I haven't got yet; have just added The Myth of Mars and Venus to my amazon basket.

I am not aware that any psychotherapeutic text or anything humanistic have forwarded feminism!

Humanistic approaches to the self are exactly that - focusing on the person as a human being. Women are of course human beings first, and women second. Of course there is a relationship between the two elements of our being and lived experience - but as women we are all different, as well as alike in the facts of our femaleness( and its reception in wider society).

Not all oppression or felt restriction of the self is solely down to biological sex or gender - but also down to the complex inter-play of personality with other social factors.