How to deal with my mother-in-laws expectations?

[AliceWonderland88]

My husband was born into another culture where it is tradition that the woman takes care of the home, cooks and cleans and brings up the children. My husband isn’t at all like this and believes we both share “life’s work” we have a great home life together and are very happy. However I keep getting unkind remarks about how I need to learn how to cook/care for man. It’s starting to bring me down. I’m a business woman and the thought of being a housewife doesn’t interest me (nothing wrong with housewives you rock but it’s just not for me). We are so happy together but how do I approach this with her? If at all? I don’t to offend her and her culture.

Maybe explain to him how her inquisitiveness into your marriage is affecting you, and asking him to intervene? So you're not the one who has to take the full force if it?

The three-part-sentence assertiveness technique can work:

'I understand that ...' (Shows you've listened, respected her point of view, appreciated her feelings)
'However ... ' (this is your life, your marriage, your business, not hers)
'Therefore ... ' (this is what is going to happen in future)

Staying polite, controlled, with neutral body language, tone of voice and vocabulary, no matter what the provocation, because like it or not she's part of his life and yours too and you'll want to keep it civilised.

This is the same in many Middle England families- I am literally the only female in DH's family who actually works! I've learned to go deaf op, it makes for an easier life!

It sounds to me as if it's your husband who should be approaching his mother about this, rather than you. Does he know how you feel?

They like to tell our DD when she grows up she needs to find a "naice-rich-husband"! DD and I laugh at this.

Are these comments made in your husband's presence or absence?

You can politely, but firmly, mention that you and your husband are quite happy with your marital arrangements and therefore there's nothing that needs to be changed.

It is possible to be firm and stand your ground without being rude. However, that doesn't automatically guarantee that offense will not be taken. For some folk, any kind of disagreement, no matter how mild, is used as an excuse to be offended.

It's important to remember that your personal decisions and self worth are not dependent on other people's opinions of how the world should be.

Sometimes there is a weird power play as mother-in-laws try to establish some sort of hierarchy with the son and expect deference to their viewpoints and not the daughter-in-law. I don't know what culture your husband is from, but it's very prominent in South Asian culture.
You have to learn to set boundaries and enforce them as early as possible, otherwise it gets harder over time to assert yourself once precedence and expectations have been set.

I like the often suggested, “oh it works for us” smile, change subject manoeuvre.

Ultimately, if you and your husband are happy, there’s no reason to discuss how you split the housework with your MIL. I would also say that if anyone has to have a word it should probably be him, but done in a sensitive, sensible way so as not to make it sound like you’ve been moaning at him.

Yes these comments have been made in front of my husband. He knows it upsets me but stays quiet about the situation. He just says don’t worry about it. There is also a little language barrier with my MIL as her English isn’t great. Her comments are aimed at ME rather than US as a couple. Maybe going deaf is the right way forward lol

I really think your husband needs to step up here, especially if there's a language barrier too.
If either of my parents had been continually rude to my husband, I wouldn't have expected him to deal with it, I would have spoken to them myself. I'm sure you would do the same.

Your husband needs to step up here. How can he expect you to challenge your MILs comments (through a language barrier) if he isn't willing to? Part of your MIL's drive may be the belief that you're doing wrong by her son. He needs to put her straight.

IMHO this will not go away by itself but has to be addressed directly. If you have children (it sounds like you may not) it will become worse as you'll be not only a bad wife, but a bad mother.

Sigh. Yet another weak husband too scared to challenge mummy. Tell him to grow some balls and tell her to mind her own business.

AliceWonderland88 that's unacceptable on your husband's part to stay silent when it's a clear personal dig at you. If he's as happy with the marital arrangements as he says he is, then he needs to step up and make it clear to his mother that this is the case. You're his partner and his parents shouldn't be speaking badly about you, especially if there's a language barrier and you are unable to defend yourself fluently.
I would be very unhappy if my partner stayed silent like that. His parents have to realise that he and you share the same views about your relationship.
I'm sure you wouldn't let your parents criticise your husband without intervening, so he shouldn't get a free pass because he is scared to upset their feelings.

"Yes these comments have been made in front of my husband. He knows it upsets me but stays quiet about the situation. He just says don’t worry about it."

He knows it upsets me but stays quiet about the situation.

HE KNOWS IT UPSETS ME BUT STAYS QUIET ABOUT THE SITUATION.

HE KNOWS IT UPSETS ME BUT STAYS QUIET ABOUT THE SITUATION.

just making sure you focus on the crux of the problem.

He doesn't want to upset his mummy, so he lets his mummy upset his wife. He doesn't want to feel bad by upsetting his mummy, so he lets his mummy make his wife feel bad.

He's basically delegating his upset to you. He doesn't want to feel upset, but he's just fine with passing the upset to you, for you to shoulder in his stead.

I would be reading the fucking Riot Act to him and telling him he either tells his mother to reel it in, or I would and she will not enjoy it one bit.

But - I accept that I am a bloody harridan these days, and you sound like a nice person who would struggle to behave like that, so we need to come up with another tactic. Although I still want you to keep in mind that he prefers that you be upset, rather than his mother or himself. Do not lose that truth.

Sit him down. Tell him that not only is his mother upsetting you, but his very obvious lack of support for you is upsetting you. HE is upsetting you, and what is he going to do about it? You need to emphasise that by him staying quiet, he is picking a side, and it's clearly her side. Make it clear you expect him to step up to the role of husband, and tell his mother to back off.

Although I still want you to keep in mind that he prefers that you be upset, rather than his mother or himself. Do not lose that truth.

What WhereYouLeftIt said.

Interesting that OP says she doesn't want to offend her MIL and her culture. MIL apparently has no qualms about offending her DIL and her culture. Respect is a two way thing. Perhaps that should be pointed out to MIL.

Spot on, WhereYouLeftIt.

I think the world needs more "haridans" like you WhereYouLeftIt

Spot on with the analysis and advice!

Either you just tell her, or your husband tell her if there is a language barrier. Or just laugh and shake your head next time she says it. If she continues why worry about offending her? She is offending you.

You have a DH problem. He’s a wee boy that’s frightened to speak up about things to his mother. My friends Indian husband was like that with his mum. It could be a common thing in the culture, I dont know, but he’s choosing his mum over his wife. I know I’d be telling him to speak to her and put her straight. However if she has any good family recipes she’d like to teach you and him that might be nice....

@WhereYouLeftIt this is the best post I have ever read on mumsnet, in over ten years!

This is feminism chat so don't go with the smile and ignore route, tell her you are a proud feminist and you believe men and women are equal and should do equal shares and anything else is very wrong. You may want to wear your smash the patriarchy t shirt every time you see her.