Need to vent

[Hidingunderduvet]

I'm putting this here to try and minimise the namalt (can't handle hearing that right now) have also NC for obvious reasons. I feel like I've had all the stuffing knocked out of me, in the last few weeks two (young, female) members of my family have disclosed sexual assault/abuse by older male family members. Totally separate incidents, different branches of the family completely and obviously two separate predators.

There's a lot going on as you can imagine and I'm happy with the way (most of) the family are supporting the young women involved but it's just left me feeling so....well hopeless is the only word I can think of. They really are everywhere aren't they and I'm struggling with my feelings about men as a class.

No one thinks it's going to happen in their family, I realise that but is it really so common that every family has to have one or two?!! That's how it feels atm and I seem to be having trouble separating how I feel about these vile excuses for men and the men I (usually) love and trust. Put bluntly I'm not feeling any confidence whatsoever that namalt right now.

There's no one in rl I can say this to so here I am, no idea what I want from this thread tbh but needed to let my feelings out somewhere. I keep thinking wtf is wrong with them and that leads me off down all sorts of rabbit holes about men in general, none of which end up in a good place for me frankly. I just feel like I want to round up all the women and girls I care about and find a man-free island.

I sometimes feel like this too, you are not alone.

I’m sorry to hear about your young relatives. And for all the other victims you don’t know about yet. I hope they have the courage to come forward and that they get help.

It’s pretty shit.

What an awful thing for your young female relatives to have experienced and endured.

Your thoughts and feelings are totally understandable.

I grapple with those kinds of feelings of anger and frustration against men too. I always have struggled. I think a lot of us women do. It's hard not to when you read and hear the stories of women and girls from all around the world, and see what happens in families including your own. It's a testament to women collectively that we still try to see the humanity in men when there are so many reasons not to.

I agree it does make you despair sometimes.

It feels like it's every day there is a new case.

I'm sorry for your relatives OP, hope they are getting the support they need.

Men do just seem overwhelmingly perverted. From the everyday sexism, catcalling and sending pictures of their genitals to all and sundry, to the sexual abuse. Obviously women can do this too but it seems nowhere near on the same level. I think we need to consider why this is, how men are brought up in society and try to change it. But it does feel hopeless sometime.

Oh OP didn't want to read and run. Of course you feel as you do, you are reacting to the shock in the normal way our brain processes this - avoid the predator and get your guard up.

I don't know what advice to offer as to how to deal with your anger and despair as I think you do need to deal with it, just for your own sanity. Is there a counsellor you could go to? Obviously, at the moment the focus, rightly, is on the young women and how they are supported, but those who support them also need support. I think this is something that rape crisis centres need to offer to relatives but I have no clue as to whether or not it exists.

You are doing the right thing posting here, of course you need to vent to people and this is a safe space to interact with others who may have good advice.

I'm so sorry this has happened in your family, OP.

And yes: it's more common than anyone likes to admit - but to tackle it, we have to admit it.

All of your feelings and anger are entirely understandable and entirely justified.

for you and the girls in your family who have suffered.

That’s so sad, OP. No wonder you are struggling. I can also empathize with the anger and despair... and the intense frustration that you cannot vent those feelings in public without people being arseholes.

Hope you find some peace.

Thank you all. It honestly feels like everything I trusted about the men in my life might have been a lie. I'm really struggling to believe that they're not all 'like that' underneath and some are just better at hiding it than others. It's a really uncomfortable feeling to have to sit with, and also there's guilt there too, is it fair to be feeling so negative and mistrustful about men in general that it affects how I look at my loved ones?

I'm really hoping today is just a bad day, I only found about about the second disclosure last night so I suppose I'm still processing everything and it's all pretty raw. This probably all sounds very self obsessed considering what my DN and DSD are going through, please don't think I'm not supporting them, I am but I'm not needed today and it's the first real time I've had to think about my own feelings. I've also been through rape and sexual assault myself which really doesn't help with what's going on in my head. I think maybe I should have just stayed in bed today.

OP this is awful, so sorry you're going through this. I hope your female relatives are getting the help they need and those responsible will punished and never go near them again. Such a terrible thing but I don't think you're selfish at all to be thinking as you are, you are in shock and are quite rightly questioning your own relationships with the men who did this and also thinking how you can help these girls/women. It's a lot to get through and it will take time.

I have no experience of this and have no advice as such but I wanted to send support to you and the victims. The damage these men do makes me so angry.

Its normal to feel like that OP. It’s also normal to feel that you personally have been betrayed and your trust abused by these perpetrators. It’s just that most people don’t want to say that, even to themselves. Because you don’t want to make it about you and your feelings.

The damage be caused by these people radiates out, from the victims and those who know and love them, to the people who have to deal with these offenders in their job.

So it’s ok to feel angry about what that person did to you too. They deceived you and all your family , who presumably welcomed them with love and trust and this is how they have repaid you. They violated your trust and took your most precious things - your children - and abused them.

I know two people who have professional level knowledge about sexual abuse ( they are specialist social workers ) and both had someone they know well convicted of very serious offences against children.

One had a close relative take photos of their children over years to later discover he was making child porn ( not involving their children as they were always supervised ).

Another volunteered in a youth organisation and one of the other leaders in the same group was abusing children for years practically in front of them. One of the victims took his own life over it.

Neither suspected a thing. Both knew of all the signs, what to look out for. Of course they were consumed with guilt and ashamed at their failure to put two and two together.

But how can you talk of your own feelings when one child has lost his life and others have been deeply traumatised and perhaps their lives ruined?

I find it hard not to call these men evil. Even though I know in my head it’s their actions and not them as people.

So sorry that two more girls had to experience sexual abuse. I'm a lesbian in a same sex marriage, I do have a few male family members but do not spend much of my time with men. That suits me fine. Men as a class are beyond the pale. I wouldn't let a man babysit my child or ever be alone with my child. Just because of the abuse stats. Men as a class cannot be trusted. My default position is that men cannot be trusted, and I never push my luck regarding that position.

Every adult female I know and have known long enough to talk about such things has experienced sexual harassment or sexual assault.

I mean they've experienced these things as either a child or an adult

Girls and women will continue to experience male sexual violence as long as society condones porn and prostitution. Oh, and for as long as the patriarchy exists.

What BRave youngsters to bring it up.

I think people doing that highlights the fact that it’s unacceptable, which will in turn help make it more unacceptable and less likely. And not something I ever managed to do IRL.

Of course it’s bloody hard to deal with.

Sorry, but it's been everywhere since always. I don't know what the right response can ever be (to men's behaviour in general) but there are separatists who simply try to avoid men because it's just too risky and unpleasant to get close to them. Cynical people could say "Well, over the generations, the women who wouldn't deal with men removed themselves from the breeding pool. The ones who had the kids were the ones who were willing to stay."

Yes it’s sad that women are sexually assaulted by men (sad also that men are sexually assaulted by women).
I’m shocked you thought your family was immune actually. Every man has a mother. Even Ted Buddy had a wife who had no idea he was a serial rapist and killer. Chances are we all have one in our family.
But don’t start thinking this is “all men” as that is completely sexist.
If you’d said two family members had been robbed by black people or Asian people and now you are seriously wondering whether all blacks/Asians are like this and how you want to run off to a whites only island...that would be racist. You cannot judge an entire group of people based on biology- whether that is skin colour or sex organs. It’s wrong. Please do not become a misandrist.

Thanks Angelas but I was pretty clear in my OP I'm not really up to the whole namalt debate just at the moment. Everything is very raw right now and I will need time to get to a more thoughtful position, for now I'm reacting on an emotional level and just needed to vent somewhere I knew I would be understood. Thankfully pretty much everyone else who replied got that.

OP, sorry to hear this has happened to your family. It is horrible when people you believe you can trust show the trust was misplaced. Thankfully you are there for your female relatives as they need support and not judgment (which may happen).

You do need to think about yourself and undertake some self care. Try to give yourself a few minutes of not thinking about it, easy to say but hard to do, to break the negative emotion. Best wishes.