A plea for help for feminists from a trans widow

[DJLippy]

makemorenoisemanc.wixsite.com/mysite/post/a-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow

A handy how to guide from a trans widow on what women can do to support trans widows.

It's so sad, the trail of destruction and mutilation. I'm afraid I would shameslessly deadname.

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Also for those who find it difficult to believe some of our ex's are asking to be called "Mum"
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/transgender-mother-responds-to-being-named-working-mother-of-the-yearbb_5985178

I saw a group of male transitioners on Twitter whining yesterday about how awful it was that people empathised with their wives and children and acted as if this was something awful that had happened to them.

They should understand this is something that absolutely couldn’t be helped and that it’s terribly oppressive as all they are doing is becoming their own true self, which is terribly, terribly hard.

And I felt sorry for the wives of these appalling egotists who’ve lied to their wives and children for years, yet want their egos to be massaged for coming clean about it.

@TinselAngel I do believe you, all of you. Its shocking how low an abuser will go, but shouldn't be a surprise. Nothing is sacred to us.

Oh you awesome women

We see you, men who demand to be women.

We see you.

I saw a group of male transitioners on Twitter whining yesterday about how awful it was that people empathised with their wives and children and acted as if this was something awful that had happened to them.

They'd love the women - wives, partners, sisters, daughters - to be invisible in their stories.

Which is precisely why our feminism isn't up to much if we don't look for, find, and centre and support the woman's narrative in all this. Their stories are worth far more to feminism than any male narrative is.

This is a great article, I was at the event in Manchester when it was raised and found it really helpful. I'm so sorry to all the families of late transitioners, I hadn't taken it all on board before.

Thank you DJLippy for such a clear piece of writing. Your comments at the MMN event were appreciated - we don't talk about the effect on the lives of those involved in the transitioner's life anywhere near enough. I think your comments struck a chord with many many people in the room. It has certainly made me think about this in greater depth.

One of my social media contacts responded to the video of Mridul with big hearts - I believe Mridul calls themselves the mother of their children now? It makes me despair. I don't think I could ever call a MtF a child's mother, it feels like colluding in a great deception.

[Edited by MNHQ at posters request]

Bumping for anyone who hasn't read this article yet.

I'm sorry I couldn't finish reading that article. It made me feel physically unwell.

The huffpost one i mean.

to all the trans widows you are amazing.

This was such an honest and open account to read and I will bear in mind if and when i speak to any trans widows irl.

A great article. My brother, in his 40s, has recently told us he wants to become a woman. I’m so glad these threads have made me take a long hard look at the whole issue. Ashamed to say I had accepted without question the whole self-identity and trans rights narrative up until last week. Thanks to all those who are opening my eyes (I posted my story on another thread started by someone with a trans activist sibling but didn’t realise OP was 2 years ago so I may never get a response).

So I don't imagine we'll see any transmen called Dad.

A small child I am closely related to was forced to call her mother a foreign equivalent of 'dad' for several years. It was fucked up. It's rare, but it happens.

When OH first came out and was getting advice from dubious quarters, I was told it was unreasonable of me to expect the DC to still call him Dad and that it was obvious that they would have to call him Mum.

Also our neighbour, who works in some NHS policy setting role, let me know that she had, quite unprompted, told her DC that mine "now have two Mums". She was very surprised when I objected to that. It seems the official policy in NHS circles is that we should be regarded as a lesbian couple and addressed as such.

@Tyrotoxicity so I'm afraid I don't think it's rare

WifeOfTiresias I know it's common when men transition. Much rarer to have an instance of children being expected to call their mother "Dad" - because women transition for very different reasons and generally do it much younger and pre-children.

The transwidower in my family highlights the sexism though - he got sympathy and support when his ex wanted their child to call her daddy. No one told him he ought to be supporting her to find her true self. People recognised that he was going through a very difficult situation. Very different to the typical transwidow experience.

Seems to be:
He transitions, he's brave and stunning; she's not supportive, she's the baddie;
She transitions, she's obviously got issues; he's so brave, she's the baddie.
Patriarchy in a nutshell, really.

Defend our use of the term “Trans Widow” as some people question its appropriateness.

Given the opprobrium meted out to those who "deadname" trans people, I think Trans Widow is the perfect term. If their former self is dead, so is their former relationship.

I may be being silly here, but it seems to me that if someone who existed says that the name they used is now a dead name, they are now dead.

They can't have it both ways, surely? Either that person is dead, or he isn't.

And mourning them as dead would be easier all round. Also, if the person who was a child's father is dead, how can he have access to the child? He no longer exists. A stranger woman demanding access to children seems very dodgy to me.

(I feel a bit strongly about this: the first trans widow I knew eventually killed herself. The ex-partner is still throwing considerable weight around in the Cause of Trans, very obviously.)

NotAtMyAge, I wrote this before I saw your post!

Thats why I dont understand the whole deadnaming thing Askthequestions. Either your "previous self" still exists and can be referred to - and you keep any qualifications, experience etc that qualifies you for jobs for example. Or - "born anew" and you don't. You surely can't pick and choose?