Being single

[Companion42]

I suppose this should be in relationships really but I really wanted a feminist perspective on the situation (and this is where I spend most of my mumsnet time!)

So, I've recently found myself single again after a long-ish relationship. I'm 31 and this is the third relationship I've had that I genuinely thought was going to be 'it'. As in, the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. Obviously, I'm not a good judge on that score.

I'm quite introverted and I have lots of hobbies/friends/things to do so I'm not lonely as such. But I am of an age now where lots/most of my friends and collegues are getting married, buying houses, having kids and generally settling down. I've never wanted kids - and don't think I ever will - but there's something about seeing everyone else becoming a family that's really bothering me. I'm really unhappy at the moment

This is a bit rambly, sorry, and I'm not very articulate, but I was just hoping some wise mumsnetters could help me unpick these feelings a little bit and maybe suggest ways to get over it or otherwise feel better?

I'm single. It seems the least worst option at the moment. I do have a teenager though, which is great.

What messages do you think your upbringing gave you about relationships and is that affecting what you feel now?

Concentrate on you and your happiness, do the things you enjoy. Be happy and confident as an individual.

If you meet someone so be it, at least you will be happy in yourself and wanting rather than needing the relationship. I think a lot of people go into relationships for the wrong reasons.

I wish I'd questioned myself about my motivation with regard to relationships when I was 31.

What bothers you about the way other people's lives develop? Do you feel you are missing out or do you feel that others will judge you as a failure for not partnering up and having a family? If you feel you are missing out then what is it specifically that you feel will be lacking if you are single and child free?

I think feeling sad or unhappy when a relationship ends is normal. You thought you were going to spend your life with someone so your imagined future is gone and I think we grieve for that even if the end of the relationship felt right. It takes a little time to adjust and reimagine our future without that person in it.

I was compliant with societies expectations for many years but find I'm actually far happier when I'm true to myself. I'm single and really enjoy life. I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship, I'm not looking and I'm not sure I have room for one. The truth is that whatever the circumstances of our lives, good or bad, nothing stays the same which is what keeps things interesting.

I hope your questioning helps you to find some contentment.

I'm widowed, and have chosen not to have another relationship because I lose so much of myself in them. I have a terrible habit of forgetting all about my wants and needs to concentrate on the man's.

If I could go back in time and have a word with myself, I'd have said leave the relationships alone, just stick to fuck-buddies.

That's me though, and it's just because I really did live by female socialisation 101, and know I would revert back to that if I were to have another relationship as it's very strongly ingrained.

Check out Catherine's Grey's book the unexpected joy of being single. It will help you unpick some things. I loved it

Is it because you feel the odd one out?

I’m 43, single and child free. Till mid 20s I thought I wanted a partner - never marriage though. Then I realised I’d just swallowed the “most people want...” thing.

Do you actually want a partner? I just found it all really hard work with no reward.

I have a terrible habit of forgetting all about my wants and needs to concentrate on the man's
^^
This
Companion42 I would enjoy this time to be yourself and please yourself

I agree with you about the discomfort and anxiety that watching your friends dutifully pairing up and having children can cause when you're in your 30s and there's tremendous social expectation that you will do so too. But if you don't have an urge to have children perhaps, like me at your age, you can begin to see how incredibly lucky you are.

Being single is no longer the stigma that it's been for centuries – or even 50 years ago. You have freedoms that generations of women have craved. You have the freedom to concentrate on your career without distraction if that's something you want to do. You live in a world where you can have sex without being required to be in a committed live-in relationship if that's what you choose to do. You can choose where you want to live, where you want to work, who you hang out with. You don't have to confront the daily 'Why the hell is it me who washes the sheets and changes the bed' sort of issues that come up even in egalitarian and thoughtful relationships.

I'd suggest googling for women's social groups and meeting up with other single women. Some of the happiest women I know belong to groups where there's always something on at weekends, always trips away being offered. I have a divorced mate who says that if she'd had any idea of how much fun life after marriage might be she'd have left her husband earlier. She does now have male friends and casual relationships, but she says she fits men in at the edge of her life now. They are no longer the centre, she's at the centre of her own life.

Do you actually want a partner? I just found it all really hard work with no reward.

Absolutely this and yet so few people believe you can prefer being single.

I have a terrible habit of forgetting all about my wants and needs to concentrate on the man's.

Me too (curse that female socialisation). That's why when I look back on my life (in my 50s now) I think I've achieved far more and generally been far happier in the periods when I've been single. Have been single (with a child) for a decade now, and apart from missing sex, it's brilliant. (YY to previous poster's suggestion that if I could do it all over again, I'd have lots of fuck buddies!)

Thanks so much for all the responses! I'll try to answer all of your questions

EverdDigby Complicated ones I think. My nan is very very 'traditional' in that she maried her first love young and put all of her focus into her husband and children. She's very disappointed I don't have/want kids and often wishes I'd meet someone and get married. My mom is more independent but was in a few abusive/unhealthy relationships throughout my childhood and definitely did all of the child rearing and wife work. I'm much more independent than both of them but am at heart a people pleaser and I have an embarrising tendency to want to make others like me by baking/buying gifts/being pretty etc etc

TurboTeddy I'm not worried I'll miss out on kids - that's a definite no. It's hard to pin down but a feeling of being loved and secure? Logically I now that getting married is absolutely no garauntee of a happily every after but emotionally being single sometimes feels like being in PE where nobody wants you on there team. Does that make sense?

Thanks typicalme I'll have a look!

RosaWaiting Yes. Some of the 'wanting' is definitely feeling left out and the pressure of socialisation but I do enjoy being in a relationship. I like good conversation, I like someone to make last minute plans with, I like that companionship of cooking together and then sitting down in front of Netflix all cuddled up. Some of this can be done with friends to a degree I suppose but A) they're coupled up now and B) there's something about a relationship that can't be replaced I think

thatdamnwoman Brilliant point. And I am very lucky. I'm on a very low wage so don't have much cash spare but I can be flexible in terms of work/housing/travel/my spare time. And there are lots of advantages to that for sure. I do attend a few womens meetings when I can and I'm part of a few fb groups. I am autistic though so can find this really difficult. I rarely seem to get past the 'aquaintance' stage with new people. Which can be a bit isolating

You've all given me lots to think over. I know that being happy by myself and with my own life is the ideal. It's just the getting there I guess?

I'm mid 40s and single although I do have children.

I'm also autistic - I rarely get past the acquaintance stage with new people too. I'm finding a little more success with other autistic people (although the friendships can be quite unsatisfying) and NTs who have an understanding of autism. Not great though!

I've tried telling men I've dated that I'm autistic but because I don't 'look' autistic, they disregard it until I 'behave' autistic and then it's a problem

I'm finally at a point now where I'm genuinely content to be single long term. All the things you talk about wanting - e.g. someone who is, essentially, Your Person to do things with - are, I think, what everyone wants but I find that it's very hard to find someone who doesn't end up just being a 'buzzy' noise in my ear.

I have a terrible habit of forgetting all about my wants and needs to concentrate on the man's

I don't do this. Female socialisation has largely passed me by and I find it really frustrating/infuriating when I see other women do it.

But this also brings with it its own problems because men expect it. Even the ones who tell you they don't (and I think some of them believe it too) still expect it and so you appear doubly unreasonable to them because they think they have so few expectations of you and you still don't prioritise them.

I also agree with the fuck buddy comment upthread. My most fulfilling relationships have been FWBs - friendship; sex; none of the complication of emotional stuff and I find needy and irritating. This is where the future lies I think.

I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on the other stuff!

I felt the same as you when I was a similar age! I then made a big mistake so I will share what I learnt in the hope that it helps you.

My mistake was that I went on a dating site and started to lower my standards, since I was anxious about meeting a man and starting a family before I 'got too old.' The dating sites themselves didn't help my fear since a lot of men my age and older set their age brackets to filter out women over 30 (depressing). This contributed to my sense of panic. I dated all sorts of losers who I would never have considered before but I was worried I was 'being too fussy' (it turns out I wasn''t being fussy enough).

I met a man who turned up clean shaven, showered, was polite, clean and seemed normal and respectable and he actually had teeth (you'd think that is a given but nope) and I thought he was my last chance, since he was the only decent seeming man on there. I entered into a relationship with him and he ended up being a domestic abuser. I believe he was a psychopath - a lot of them use dating sites and are very normal seeming and convincing until the mask slips.

I now have PTSD from domestic abuse and it has affected my whole life, my ability to work, socialise, go out etc.

If I could go back in time I would not have gone on the dating site at all, although the painful experience did teach me some massive, vital life lessons I am now very grateful for.

So basically, focus on you, your career, your friends, travel, hobbies. Learn a new language, learn carpentry, go kayaking, join a walking group, take yourself out on dates by yourself, read the classics, learn to oil paint and basically do all the things you have always wanted to do. Volunteer with an animal charity, become a youth mentor, set up your own business. If you meet a nice man during your adventures then you're free to date him but you're not putting your life on hold for him. Even with the nicest man, a relationship is restricting in many ways (such as having to spend weekends with his friends and family instead of white water rafting for example) so it's worth doing all of these things now anyway because you probably won't be able to if you become a wife and mother at least until your children are older.

I know a lot of women who got trapped with domestic abusers and are still trapped and they'd do anything to be in your position right now. Society tells women we are sad losers for being single. It's a lie. There are huge benefits to it, mainly, freedom and peace.

Wishing you lots of good luck on your journey!

I'm 40 and have been single since I was 20, and nothing I've seen of other people's relationships has made me feel like I'm missing out. I have also never wanted children and I'm so unmaternal that none of my friends have had any difficulty in believing that I won't change my mind!

And yet... I do believe that the benefits of single life are romanticised on MN sometimes, or at least, it's spoken about with the underlying assumption that you have plenty of money. All this "You can go off for a long weekend to Paris whenever you like at the drop of a hat" stuff, when actually travelling alone is generally more expensive and the cost of living when you only have one income - your own - to rely on makes that sort of spontaneity difficult if you're not well off. I'm not, and I don't really spend much of my time swanning off on holiday or going out to the theatre.

I would also say that you do get viewed with, not exactly pity, but certainly some derision if you're a 40 year old single woman. People make assumptions about why you're alone. My friends with husbands and kids sometimes patronise me without meaning to. I'm sure they see me as being less of an adult than they are, and less wise and worldly. I have been told that I'm selfish for taking up a flat all to myself that could be lived in by a family.

I still don't want to be in a couple, because I've realised over the course of the last few years that I don't actually like men very much once I try to think about them as a romantic prospect. I probably ought to stay away from the Relationships board but I cannot believe some of the awful shit women on there put up with just for the sake of having a man. I read the threads on there and think, no thanks very much...

Society tells women we are sad losers for being single. It's a lie. There are huge benefits to it, mainly, freedom and peace.

I think research in terms of life expectancy found single single women live longer than married men or women and single men have on average the shortest lifespan of all. I have a recollection of reading that single women report higher life satisfaction too but I can't remember where.

Yes I saw the same study Teddy. Interesting the results showed the opposite for men, they were reported as being happier and I think living longer if they got married and the reverse if they stayed single. Which shows who benefits from marriage most of the time:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health

AnotherAdult I'm really sorry that you went through that. I hope you have some support and that your life has greatly improved!

I met my last partner through okcupid and actually I found it raised my standards a bit. At first I had an awful habbit of chatting to/going on dates with anyone who asked. To be nice, I suppose. And because I was scared no one else would want me. But over time I learnt to spot relationships that weren't going to work/incompatible men from earlyish on.

There were still bad bits. Of course. But I found the distance less pressured than face to face dating. I may do it agan in the future, though I need a break first.

Checking This is a brilliant point. Being single can be a good thing for women. And it definitely shouldn't be judged negatively. I thik no relationship is better by far than a bad relationship.

BUT there are downsides. I don't earn much. As a singleton I'm unlikely to buy my own home. I can't share hotel costs. If I want company I have to have the money to go out unless my friends are available to come over (which gets harder as they all start to have babies/get dogs etc)

I have had quite a productive day today though. i've enquired about volunteering with my local womens aid, looked at some professional home based learning courses (that are mostly too expensive!) and booked a councelling session. So, progress!

OP your money is yours though. That’s a huge plus.

So interesting to hear these different experiences

My late father had a female friend tell him she thought that women face more criticism for being single now, than when she made her choice in the 70s. I heard this conversation second hand, but apparently she said to him that her generation of single by choice women were seen as positive happy women who were taking opportunities that maybe they hadn’t had before.

I found that in a circle of acquaintances, hitting 40 and still being happy with the choice was a good moment for everyone to shut up about how I could meet someone if I wanted.

Male friend in his late 40s has been told by his dad “I’d rather you were married and divorced by now than just never married”. I suspect if friend dated his dad would be pleased, but he’s mostly a car guy and his dad sees him as a nerd because he likes working on engines. I don’t have a car but he’d work on it for free if I did!

Some people are just judgey as fuck. But I’ve noticed the tide turning as I got older, people can see I’m happy. I recently met a lady who thought I was a lot younger and it became necessary to mention my age in the chat - about career so she was very confused! - and she later said “oh you’re single with no kids? THAT’S why you look so young”. Others laughed and she said “no, really” and started going on about studies she’s read about happiness.

I haven’t read any of them, but generally I cant understand why people don't see the peace and freedom aspect.

Sorry, this was long but just to add - I do think relationships can’t work if there’s a constant trade off of white water rafting vs family visits. I think the relationships that work, or look to be working, are ones where people retain some independence. I couldn’t have taken on extra family, I’d have gone mad.

Hey Companion, I can relate to what you’re going through. I’m approaching the end of my twenties and it seems like everyone around me is settling down. My last long term relationship (5 years) ended last year, then I found out at the start of this year he had just gotten married to a woman he had known for six months. Not only that, but they were trying for a baby (something we always agreed we didn’t want). To say this left me reeling a bit is an understatement. There’s even more to it that I don’t want to get into now, but even all these months later it has destroyed my confidence. I don’t know what to do to get back to myself. And I genuinely don’t see myself in a long term relationship again. Sorry I have zero advice to give, I just wanted to say you’re not the only one doubting yourself.

I think the widowed Esther Rantzen summed it up when she said she didn’t need someone “to do things with”, she had friends for that. She needed someone “to do nothing with”. Someone as you mentioned, OP, to cuddle on the sofa watching Netflix on a wet Wednesday night, or whatever.
I’ve been alone for 27 years (widowed at 35), and although I’ve had a busy life (hospital doctor, single mum to two DC from babyhood), I do miss having someone around the house. Sadly, my DH was the love of my life and irreplaceable, so I just have to get on with things until we’re eventually reunited by God.
You’re still very young. There is yet time for you to meet someone, but whether you do or not, make the most of your life in all other respects. Don’t let the lack of a partner sour the good things you do have. My DH’s maiden aunt died recently in her 90’s. She’d never even had a shag, let alone a relationship, but she had a full life, travelled widely, had a graduate career at a time when few women did, was unfailingly cheerful, and a stalwart Christian, who was a huge comfort to me. She was definitely a “glass half full” type. Life is, to a great extent, what you make it.

The response to the “doing nothing” thing probably is key to how you feel OP. I hate having someone else around any time, but particularly when I’m trying to do nothing. I really struggled when dad died because I suddenly had - or felt I had - to go round to see mum much more often, initially, and the loss of alone time hit me really hard.

A lot of unhappily married people (most, I think) put on a front and pretend to be happier than they are. They also brag about their kids and hide problems their children are having, in part because parents are the first ones blamed for problematic children.
When I left my abusive husband, I can't tell you how many people told me we were the last couple they would have expected to split. We seemed great together.

It's fine to want a relationship, but don't ignore how fortunate you are right now to not be trapped, as many wives/mothers feel they are. A lot of married people are secretly craving to be single and free.

It's very normal to want companionship and a romantic relationship. And of course to feel sad and grieve at the loss of it.

I guess the tricky part lies in not lowering your standards / criteria for a partner even when you are feeling lonely and craving for a relationship.

It's important to keep living your life and not putting it on hold. Keep having goals and dreams. If you find a partner along the way, that's great. Any partner you decide to bring into your life should enhance it, rather than make it more complicated and stressful.
No one can tell how life turns out. Maybe you will meet someone lovely six months from now... Or six years.... Or twenty years..

Society is definitely structured around couples, hence why everything is much more expensive and inconvenient if you're single. There are holiday groups and travel agents for single people that you could look into... 'Solo holidays' is one that comes to mind. I haven't tried them but did contemplate it at one point.

There are government schemes that can help first time buyers or have shared ownerships. It will take a bit longer to save up on your own, but it might be possible to buy a small place for yourself eventually.
I'd highly recommend anyone under 40 to open up a Lifetime ISA and put in whatever little you can each month. It allows you to save for a home and/or retirement. The government gives you 25% on your deposits and you're allowed to save up to 4k each year, which means you get up to an extra 1k from the government for nothing!
So keep putting money away in the Lifetime ISA. Even if you don't buy a house, you are saving for your retirement and getting 25% on it.
Or look into other kinds of savings accounts.

Many men never find a partner, but still focus on securing a good job, buying a home etc. Prepare and structure your life as if you might never find a partner. That way, when you do meet someone, it's a bonus. That's been my strategy anyway.