Why do we bother?

[JessicaWakefieldSV]

I’m mid 40’s now and for as long as I can remember I’ve been a feminist and rights campaigner. I’ve marched, written letters, seen MPs, shared my story of DV with loads of men, all sorts. Recently I’ve just got really down at how bad things are for women. It doesn’t feel like anything’s improved, it feels worse in some ways.

I guess I just want some success stories to keep me motivated. Otherwise I’ll just retreat and never care about any of it again. I could so easily do that. Or some reasons to keep going. Is there really any point? Nobody seems to give a shit about important things like domestic violence & our basic right to privacy and dignity away from males. I’m tired enough without this constant battle for every little thing, even healthcare!

My mother worked for the civil service in the UK and was strongly invited to leave when she got married.

I worked in construction in the 80s, and every time I mentioned a new boyfriend, there was the expectation within minutes of marriage, babies, and leaving.

My mother worked for the civil service in the UK and was strongly invited to leave when she got married.

Thanks Timeforakinderworld. That's what I forgot to mention. My mother had been in the civil service of that country and was supposed to resign on marriage. I'm not sure what happened, but by the time I was aware of what she was doing she did still work in the civil service and did so all her life.

Married women were not allowed to work in the Civil Service in Britain until 1946.

Part of the civil service had a marriage bar till 1973, which I think was the last in the UK, but plenty of professions had marriage bars into the '50s and '60s, which isn't actually that long ago at all.

Some women have always had to work, married or not, through economic necessity.

Jessica, the feminist current roundup this morning was all stuff that I consider to be good news, albeit much of it is putting right serious wrongs

www.feministcurrent.com/2019/07/03/whats-current-ontario-court-rules-man-who-refused-to-wear-condom-after-agreeing-to-committed-sexual-assault/

• An Ontario court has ruled that a man who had unprotected sex after agreeing to wear a condom committed sexual assault. Ontario Superior Court Justice Nathalie Champagne determined that Anibal Rivera’s actions amounted to fraud and caused a significant risk of serious bodily harm.

• Manslaughter charges against Marshae Jones, an Alabama woman who miscarried as a result of being shot in the stomach, have been dropped.

• PinkNews has issued an apology after publishing a defamatory story about SNP MP Joanna Cherry, claiming she was being investigated for homophobia.

• Amsterdam’s first female mayor plans to end “street window displays” in the red light district, saying, “I think a lot of the women who work there feel humiliated, laughed at…”

• The Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms will be representing three more of the BC estheticians who face complaints for “declining to perform waxing services for a trans-identifying individual who possesses male genitalia.”

slowly, slowly, we turn the tide

Adverts portrayed women as dim housewives or sex objects.

This view is still alive and thriving today. I always cringe when I see references to "1951's housewife" because in my experience they were anything but dimwitted doormats. Very often they were the resilient and very assertive centre of the home and family, who determined what went on within the house. During the war in Britain it was the "dim housewives" who were the very backbone of society, keeping things going when Britain was under siege. I have great admiration for British women of the 50's. They were strong,

And we are certainly still regarded as sex objects. Just look at the way we are supposed to beautify ourselves and keep ourselves sexy and desirable up until old age!

Those are the two areas where I feel there has been little progress.

I left my husband snd got legal aid to divorce him. This was first set up to allow soldiers to divorce their wives who were cheating on them in the second world war.

They might not have helped women a lot, but we have had two prime ministers and several queens running the UK. The firstborn in the royal family can be the regent, rather than the first boy.

Jessica, I really value your contributions to this board and your passion and determination to speak the truth.

I don't post as much as I'd like to, because of my own personal situation and all the emotional energy that takes up.

Coming here to read the sane thoughts of so many wonderful women literally keeps me going and helps me fight another day.

It feels like a community and reminds me how wonderful women are. I get so much confidence and determination from posters like you. I've learnt so much.

For me, that's a success story. Sharing the truth, the facts, the reality, joining the dots, seeing the biggest picture. No more
collusion, no more shame and guilt and buying into the projections of others. No more gaslighting!

Sarahjconnor

Oh thank you I’m very nervous and careful talking about surrogacy in real life, my friends are all very lefty

I’m in my mid 60s and I think you should not be depressed. There have been huge improvements in my lifetime and my mother has seen unbelievable changes in hers. In every walk of life, changes are incremental. You also have to remember that not everyone is quite so determined to bring change about and there still seem to be mothers and fathers who are unable to bring their sons up to be caring young men. If people cared about each other, many issues would be solved.

My mother was required to leave the family home at 15, despite going to a grammar school. She entered the nursing profession. It’s what girls did. Very many professions did require married women to leave. Women had no income and men controlled the money. Most big family decisions revolved around men and they certainly didn’t cook or help with housework. I think many women were exhausted and “career women” (as they were known) were few and far between. All senior teachers were single women or men. Girls were taught ironing, even at mum’s grammar school.

Times have changed, and we have changed. Women now run marathons, can run more than 400 m at the Olympics and even play football at a World Cup. Try looking on the bright side and choose battles wisely.

My mum, divorced in 1965, could not get a store card from John Lewis in the late 60's. She was asked for a male guarantor- her father or husband.

This reminded me that last year my best friend in NZ told me she couldn’t get a mortgage without her step father being guarantor even though she had the money. I mean, what?

Thank you Sister Wendy & Jessica and so many many marvellous women on here and everywhere fighting to retain our sex based rights. :

Sharing the truth, the facts, the reality, joining the dots, seeing the biggest picture. No more collusion, no more shame and guilt and buying into the projections of others. No more gaslighting

A good start to the day

BernardBlacksWineIcelolly

Thank you, that’s really helpful. I’m not on social media so I must remember to visit feminist currents site more often.

During the war in Britain it was the "dim housewives" who were the very backbone of society, keeping things going when Britain was under siege. I have great admiration for British women of the 50's. They were strong,

I still think housewives, or I prefer women in unpaid work who work in the home and community, still are the backbone of society in many ways. They are still also thought of as inferior, layabouts who have coffee mornings and cruisy lives- I am one so it’s been my life! Nevermind I run my husband’s business for him as he’s autistic and care for my autistic teen, volunteer regularly, rescue animals, and study all while coping with horrible hormone disorders. I’m still considered a privileged middle class housewife ( who got booted out of home by an alcoholic dad at 16 without so much as a sleeping bag, middle class? ).

Coming here to read the sane thoughts of so many wonderful women literally keeps me going and helps me fight another day.

Thank you SisterWendy, I feel like this too. It’s why I posted today.

Just wanted to say it myself, this board sometimes is all that keeps me going. That’s why I get very cross at the strange moderations and nervous about staying within the rules and not getting banned. See, even here we are not truly free.

I can relate to what you say OP. I sometimes wonder why I bother with the trans widows stuff. Just when I think our voices are being heard there is always another stunning and brave onslaught, or somebody else will call me bitter and bigoted.

I try and tell myself that I am helping to very slowly turn the tide- just as all feminists are, and that this is a drip by drip effect. (Not sure if this is a mixed metaphor). Progress seems slow when you're in the middle of it.

I'm also trying to get involved in some grass roots helping of other women (where I will hopefully be able to see me making a difference) to counteract the feeling of battling a huge immovable force.

JessicaWakefieldSV

We bother so that we can sleep at night, so that we can say we didn't stand by and watch whilst women's safety was compromised and their rights eroded, so that we can look the next generation of women in the eye and honestly say we tried, we tried really hard.

This forum has been an incredible source of education, support and inspiration. Having discovered MN FWR I found the confidence to visit my MP, to discuss the proposed changes to the GRA, and to insist on that meeting when they tried to fob me off. I've developed a habit of politely (and sometimes not) telling men to shut up when they try to talk over me or down to me. I insisted on a referral for a longstanding health issue that many GP's had dismissed and went to that appointment with a clear agenda for treatment and a determination that I would be listened too. I got what I wanted.

Without contributors like you none of these things would have happened. They are small acts of demanding to be heard, on their own they make little difference but forums like this swell the number of belligerent women who are not prepared to take shit lying down and together we bring about change.

Please don't become disheartened and stop, your contributions matter more than you know.

Thanks

We bother because if we didn’t things would be so much worse.

TurboTeddy

Thank you so much. I get what you mean, most days I think like you. But I still don’t sleep well right now.

Maybe it’s the menopause or just the images and memories the All Blacks situation have stirred up, but I thank all of you for your help in keeping me focused and positive. It means a lot xx you awesome adult human females!

Oh Jessica. I think at times we all need to take a step back, just to breathe. This fight, and it is one, is both mentally and emotionally exhausting. There is no shame in taking some time out to regroup, because there is a continually growing number of women willing and ready to take up the slack.

Plenty of us have done it. You take the time you need then you see “something” that will reignite the passion and the anger. It is infuriating to need to do this, but do it we must. The tide is turning, oh so slowly, but it is turning.

Because of these boards and all you dedicated women, I've been 'radicalised'. My eyes have been well and truly opened and I have learnt so much.

A few years ago I used to work with a transwoman (ffs my phone autocorrects that to remove the space!) who introduced herself to the company by linking to a video of herself before her transition as a man being very successful in his career. I wondered at the time how someone with such extreme dysphoria that they needed surgery and lifelong drug regime managed to overcome this to be so successful. I now know that surgery probably doesn't feature at all!

I also now see her shouting on Twitter about 't*rfs', getting involved in shutting down women and women's meetings left right and centre. Horrible person. And everyone fawned all over her. She was the only one in the entire HQ building who ever wore a skirt and heels (very practical industry where the uniformed lot including me wore safety boots every day as normal gear). If I knew then what I know now I would have been a lone dissenting voice in the worship and would probably have been sacked 😄

My DH used to roll his eyes at me groaning about yet another 'trans thing' until he too started noticing the prevalence of the narrative. Once seen cannot be unseen and he is now very GC to the extent of challenging 'gender' training at his work. I'm so proud.

And it's because of these boards and the tireless work women on here do. I mostly lurk but I read and I listen and I quietly spread the word.

It really is worth it. Someone has to stop the transborg and it's going to have to be ordinary women being determined and extraordinary.

Hey you, don't you retreat - I love your posts

But seriously - I really do understand. Sometimes it all feels so futile and lost. I read story after story of violence against women, I read about what is happening in the US, India, Canada, here ... everywhere (!) and I sometimes feel pretty desperate to be honest.

And then I meet other women and we talk and plan and act and listen and I remember I keep on for them and for all the daughters and because I believe in women and their strength.

I was out with a load of women for a feminist event and one of them said - this is why I bloody love women and I thought 'me too'.

So, I suggest taking little breaks away from Twitter, social media even here and do something frivolous, meet up with like minded women. Allow yourself time to recuperate and well, we have to take it one step at a time don't we?

You aren't alone in sometimes feeling like this - and you aren't alone at all, as we are here for you. We need to be here for each other and to keep fighting for each other.

My gms worked in manufacturing mainly. I didn't know about the civil service married woman ban. See then, things have changed an awful lot in a relatively short space of time.
I did know about women struggling to get mortgages. One of my gms bought a house on her own. I'm not sure how she managed that..some dodgy deal possibly! Or naybe she paid cash. Lots of resourceful women in my family.

My dgm had all her teeth taken out before marriage as a "gift" to her husband so he wouldn't have to pay for future dental treatment (1929)
This though!

And we are certainly still regarded as sex objects.

I remember looking through a stack of my dad's 1970s car magazines and there were women draped over the bonnets on almost every page. Even advertising car wax - bikini woman holding a bottle.
In the late 90's DH used to read a car mag and in one episode they had a pull out poster with bikini models on - well there was outrage from their (mostly) male readership that it was sexist and not acceptable.
If it happens these days, it's rare, and it's immediately criticised widely.
I'm thankful for this.

Another thing, in my GPs generation there was a (male) "head of the household". Even on official forms. This has gone now (even if banks sometimes defailt address to the man).

Jessica I am very grateful for you posts on so many threads.

I live in Scotland and the trans jugganaut has received a huge blow recently because of women fighting back. There is so much more to do but I do genuinely believe that we will see a light at the end of this horrific tunnel. Once one country sets a precedent others will hopefully follow.