I have been left ruminating over a couple of (minor) incidents that happened to me over the past 5 days that involved men.
These have left me pissed off on one hand and also slightly bewildered about my increased awareness to women's issues on the other.
On Friday I got off the bus from work in the heatwave wearing a top that accentuated my large chest. I walked about 2 metres from the bus and a man approximately 3 decades older than myself walked very closely past all the while staring at my chest with a presumed leer on his face. I found this unnerving.
I crossed the road and another man in roughly the same age bracket as letch number 1 walked towards and passed me within the same proximity (i.e. too close). Again staring at my chest, this time he made an audible (disgusting) noise in what I assume was appreciation.
I felt very vulnerable on the rest of my walk home and mightily pissed off. Another man, maybe a decade older than, the others walked towards me again and I was thinking ffs not again however he walked passed me, a normal distance away, with his eyes facing straight on. Yay.
The next incident was a couple of days later when I went food shopping. I was coming out of the supermarket and a (scruffy - I actually thought junkie at first glance) young man - maybe 18 give or take - shouted at me from the other side of the automatic entrance doors to open them for him as he didn't buy anything and wanted to leave the shop. I swung my trolley towards it to open it and he came through them. I think I may have said no problem when he thanked me. That was that. I then went to my car at the opposite, quieter end of the car park to fill the boot with shopping, took my trolley back to the store and went back to my car.
At this point I had my car door open, my bag in my arm and was about to get in when someone shouted hi to me to get my attention. I turned and saw it was this young man with 2 of his friends. I felt on high alert at this point especially with my bag in my hand and that my first impression was that he was a junkie. I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to ask me something, I replied what and he started to walk towards me from about 3 car lengths away. I told him to not come any closer and asked him what he wanted to ask me and he repeated questioningly with a laugh what I said about staying where he was and said again about wanting to ask me something. I asked him what he wanted to ask me and he said your name. At this point I shook my head angrily and tutted and got in the car quickly and locked the doors. He and his friends then went off in the other direction. I checked around me to make sure they were away and then drove off. He was polite and not aggressive although I felt in danger.
As I said, they were minor incidents but it's made me think about the way I now look at these interactions with some men and how they make me feel in terms of vulnerable, unsafe and fucking annoyed that I am made to feel this way because I am a woman.
Over the past few years I have questioned and become more aware of what women have to put with, male privilege, the GRA reform etc etc. It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see it everywhere now.
My friends/family/work colleagues don't think like this or at least they don't talk about it if they do. And their stereotypical comments suggest they don't. I joined mumsnet when I was first pregnant 7 years ago and I suppose it's through here that I've been introduced to a new world that I didn't realise I was part of.
I sometimes think ignorance is bliss and I wish I could put the lid back on. Misogynist comments now make me stand on edge. I call them out where appropriate and safe for me to do so.
I have long conversations with my husband about it and he is much more aware also.
Sometimes though I wish I didn't think so much! I too have had the usual uninvited sexual advances/gropes of varying degrees from men over the years. Along with the catcalls and accusations of being frigid when I didn't suddenly fall down at their feet after some lewd comment.
I had been feeling strong in my feminism recently and proud of my new found opinions but these recent incidents have shaken me and made me feel like my power can be taken away at any moment by men and there is nothing I can do about it.
I feel resigned.
I don't know what I want from this post except maybe some solidarity as I feel quite alone in this.