How to help my daughter?

[livingisnotfortheweak]

She's 17. Has a short back and sides haircut. Wears everything from the mens section. Has never used make up or nail varnish, and has never worn a dress. Studies sciences and plays sports. The vast majority of her friends have always been boys.

She's struggling with her self esteem and confidence, along with some MH issues. She's struggling to fit in. Started college last September and every girl there has long hair, wears make up etc - which is good for them, but dd has no one to relate to. People assume she's a boy when they see her, or if they know she's a girl they'll assume she's a lesbian - which she isn't, she's straight.

She's always been an anxious/worrisome kid but it's gotten a lot worse since college. She says stuff like:

• Everyone thinks I'm weird.
• People always assume I'm lesbian/bi/trans/non binary, even when I tell them I'm not.
• No guy will ever like me.

And a lot of other things.

It makes me sad because when she was little she was so happy and content with not conforming, but now it "others" her and makes her feel like there's something wrong with her. She's a sensible kid grounded in reality, but due to some body image issues she has I'm worried she may think identifying as trans is her answer.

If anyone has any advice on what to say/do to help her that would be great. I'm relatively new to feminism and dd rolls her eyes when I mention it (as do most teens), but I want her to feel confident within herself as a female doing what she wants to do.

Thanks in advance.

Could you encourage her to broaden her interests outside college?

If she's keen on sports could she join parkrun, athletes, roadrunning? Could you join together?

Mixing with adult women who look more individual, have achieved more and have different perspectives, might boost her confidence, sixths form cliques can be quiet toxic

Persuade her to come to the next Woman's Place UK meeting (in London, about sports, on 10 July)? There is such a MASSIVE diversity of women at the meetings, all shapes and sizes, make-up, no make-up, old and young, feminine and butch. And the atmosphere is absolutely electric, seriously buzzing (and Sharon Davies will be there!!!!!). She'll see women are so diverse and hopefully gain inspiration from that? You can say that in return you will do something with her that she wants to do? Mum and daughter bonding!
www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/a-womans-place-is-on-the-podium-tickets-62871342879

I'm a bit surprised at your inclusion of studying science and playing sports in the list of how she isn't like other girls (and tbh it irks me the way those are always included in MN lists to show how non- gender conforming posters are) We are in the middle of the Women's World Cup at the moment so it seems slightly othering in itself that you see these as setting her aside from other girls.

Anyway that aside does she have friends from her participation in sports? I appreciate it is college rather than university but does the college have sports clubs? The University hockey club was very popular with several of my female friends and they had a great socal life via their sport.

As JamB4 says- could you encourage her to broaden her sporting interests? Get involved with adult , female teams?

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Her problem is that all the other young women are acting like sheep.

I have always had short hair, no makeup, no high heels, liked science. But in my generation (I'm in my 50s), that wasn't considered massively unusual.

I also have a husband and 2 children.

By the time she gets to university there will be more stereotype-busting women around.

Has she lost touch with her school friends?

Does she belong to any sports clubs outside of the college ones? Might be worth looking round to find one where she feels she fits in.

There are so many amazing role models in women's sports - at professional levels and all through grass roots too.

Her problem is that all the other young women are acting like sheep

No it isn't. Her problem is a lack of confidence. The OP's daughter needs to have the confidence that not looking like the majority or liking what the majority like is fine. That is not , however the same as dismissing the other young women as "acting like sheep"

I was in sixth form in the early 90's an age of grunge, androgyny & 'ladettes', in that era I'm sure your daughter would have felt less alienated.

We only really wore make-up on nights out, nobody contoured, nobody straightened their hair, no selfies, no social media, no acrylic nails, no fake tan, no eyelash extensions, no brows on fleek!

Please emphasis to her what strange times we are living in.

Are there any local volunteer opportunities that might suit her interests? If she's science focused maybe something environmental? If she can bring herself to do it, she might find it ends up being an enormous confidence booster as well as a chance to meet a wider and more diverse range of people. Great for uni applications or CV.

And please give her a cuddle from all of us. I wish she knew that life won't always feel this difficult and that there's a whole big world out there of people who aren't so different from her.

Show her Annie Lennox singing "Sisters are Doing it For Themselves" or anything else really. Or Laurie Anderson, or the many other androgynous female artists who are straight & super-sexy.

Your story reminds me of the time I had my (usually very long hair) cut short like a boys, and was wearing an old "grandfather" shirt and man's baggy trousers with braces. I was 20 (it was 1980) and I had my first boyfriend and he was dumbstruck at how fabulous he thought I looked. He really did gasp when I walked into wherever I was meeting him. And I am not beautiful by a long shot. But I was skinny and I could pull off the Viktor/Viktoria look!

Who would have thought that 40 years later, the late 70s/early 80s would be more radical and accepting than 40 years later? We had feminism then. We could tell people they were being sexist pigs if they commented on how we looked or what we wore.

aaaaah, I"m getting all nostalgic.

But please please, tell your daughter it does get better. I was a girly swot at what we'd now call a "bog standard" comprehensive. I then got into an elite university which had a very arty crowd. And found my people. She'll find hers.

School is awful if you're not totally conformist. Give your DD my best wishes It will be OK, assure her.

Definitely get her to join some clubs outside of school. I was lucky in that my sixth form was very diverse, but going on the people I knew at secondary school you would think that girls only came in one type! Thank feck I had outside interests, which happened to filled with stereotype-busting women. She sounds fab by way!

Thanks everyone for the replies, much appreciated.

Lass I mentioned science because of her year group of over 1000 people, only about 6 girls are studying Physics, and not many more are studying Chemistry.

She has a small friend group. She's been friends with one of the lads for over 5 years now, but he's off with his girlfriend a lot. She's not really close with the others.

Re sports: she does football and basketball in college. She does speak to people there but finds it difficult to make friends and the other girls usually come in a big group.

Volunteering is a good shout. She's mentioned a youth club recently so will see what's going on with that.

Sun That's a good idea. We have a lot going on this summer but will check dates of things and hopefully we'll be good to go.

I find it very hard to believe that in a college there is absolutely no one else similar to her - how small is it? I suspect lack of confidence is the root of this. You could also encourage her to make friends with some of these girls with long hair etc - their choice is as valid as hers, they will be nice, intelligent girls too and perhaps stopping the judgement from both sides would be helpful.

Explorer Scouts is good fun, and pretty gender non conforming. Might help meeting some more non girly girls.

Big hugs to you both xx

Wearing mens clothes will result in some unkind reactions from others - this is not fair but it's reasonable to expect those unkind reactions and then either not give a toss, or change your style to fit in.

Is she possibly on the autistic / aspergers spectrum and finding it difficult to predict those reactions? MH issues often go with it. As does academic achievement.