Bit of advice about friend in abusive relationship

[OunceOfFlounce]

A friend who lives abroad has been in an abusive relationship for over a decade.

At first she thought it was her fault/different circumstances causing his behaviour. A few years ago she began to put it down to him having a personality disorder but still blamed herself for missing red flags and bringing children into the relationship. She felt like she owed it to the kids to tough it out and thought leaving would cause them many times more trouble than staying.

Recently they've been going through a prolonged bad patch and she's thinking maybe it has to end.

All this I know from our relationship over the years and recently some whatsapp messages that she's said she'll be deleting (she's already explained he goes through her phone so nothing is private). She asked me not to reply. I called later when I thought he'd be out but she rejected.

I don't know if I'll be able to get through to her but if I do, I'd really like to hear some ideas about anything I could say to convince her to get help.

When they visited a while ago, I mentioned a great and very effective sounding charity I found based where she lives but she didn't seem to take it on board.

Do you think there's any way, if I can speak to her soon, I can get through to her that there is help out there for her and the kids, and it won't be impossible to leave?

Sorry if this is long and rambly. Also, I know there is lots out there to read on this subject in general but it weighs so heavily on my heart and I find it so hard to engage with.

Is there help out there for her and the kids?

What are the laws of the country she lives in with regard to his access to the children if she leaves?

Where they are domestic violence is one of the things a judge will consider when deciding custody. She can get some kind of order to stop him seeing them immediately but I don't know how long it lasts for.

But I meant help as in counselling, legal advice and just not having to everything herself without guidance.

Do you think there's any way, if I can speak to her soon, I can get through to her that there is help out there for her and the kids, and it won't be impossible to leave?

No, this isn't fair on her. She needs to be realistic to be able to leave safely. You can help her find resources but you need to trust her to manage things.

The starting point then is how she is actually going to leave. Where will she live? Does she have any money? Does she have a job?

The point after that would be how likely is it that he would get unsupervised access to the children during their childhood.

Those are the big issues- how can she leave and what happens to the kids if she does.

I don't want to manage anything for her. But as she's pretty crushed by it after all these years I think she might need some support.

I don't want to pressure her though.

The consensus is it's best to ignore it?

Endofthedays, I think that's what the charity can help with but it seems to hard and terrifying for her to contact them.

It’s not best to ignore it, as she needs you there to continue to be a person she can talk to honestly about her life.

But if you can’t physically or materially help her leave, and you’re not sure that she is in a position to leave, there’s not much point advising her to do so.

Okay. Thanks for your advice everyone.

She's asked you not to contact her so it sounds like she is managing a volatile man, its best to wait until she gets back in contact with you and see what she has to do next.

In the meantime, it might help you to read Lundy Bancroft;
Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

OP please listen to Theinebriati statistics tend to show a woman is in the most danger in days after she has left the abusive relationship. She is incredibly lucky to have such a supportive friend and I empathise with your need to help. Gut reaction will always be get out as fast as you can, ideally that's how should be. It's not always practical, particularly with children involved.

Be aware that a victim of domestic violence will not always react in a way that we would expect them to. In your first post you alluded to times that your friend seemed to make excuses/justify what was happening. Then begin to reach out for help only to then withdraw.

It's a common pattern, something those of us not in that situation could begin to understand.

Research help and resources, have these ready for when she reaches out again.

*cound not begin to understand

I wasn't asking for help to encourage her to run now but to encourage her to contact the charity. They provide counselling and also legal advice. She doesn't have any family or friends where she is so I thought it would be a good idea for her to have some support. Just to be able to talk to someone understanding.

As I can't reply to her messages, I don't feel I'm able to provide any actual support and worry about her dealing with this alone. All she hears about her situation and options is from him which I think will make her more hopeless, more fearful and blame herself more. I feel like I'm giving up on her.

But I will take on board that there isn't really anything I can do. I have worried that I would come across as pressuring her.

Thanks again for your advice.