Tools for recognising manipulative abuse

[PickledGulag]

I had to learn normal after years of extreme abuse.

One of the best tools I use to stop second guessing myself against manipulation is to extract and categorise the relevant statements so that I can fully recognise them for what they are. A way of unmuddying the waters.

The following categories work for most scenarios I have had to deal with and by taking a comment or statement and putting it under one of these headings I am then able to understand it for the manipulation it is. This stops me being harmed by it and allows me to stay centred.

SHAME / DISGUST

BELITTLING / MOCKING

PATRONISING / RE-EDUCATING

MINIMISING

GASLIGHTING / IRRELEVANT

When I can't sleep I can use this process to help my brain understand what I have heard or read. I did this yesterday for a discussion on the removal of single sex toilets that I found increasingly frustrating. I took 12 hours and categorised, I feel the results shared might help others?

These are very good headings.

You are right that understanding how you are being manipulated is the key.

The only thing I would add is DARVO (Deny Avoid Reverse-victim-and-offender) which is what my son’s dad used and uses. It is just easier not to raise something with him because of the utter volley of abuse which comes back. I realised I am still walking on eggshells after six years of separation, court and endless mediation (which is a forum for him to continue the abuse and manipulation). The law allows this to happen.

I think the problem for me and it applies in the OP is when this is not just happening at a personal level but institutionally as well. In other words, when the protective function of the state and the law is used to denigrate and abuse one group in the interests of another. One cannot leave - or at least one could if one were childless and had the means.