Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Can you help me out...

16 replies

plasticpotato · 21/05/2019 22:07

I have an older child, about to go to uni, who has been trans (MTF) for 2 years. He disagreed with my GC views about a year ago and went NC with me and lives with his dad since.
His younger brother (50/50 with his dad) who is 11 confronted me this evening, saying he is v confused & v upset, he doesn't understand why everyone in his dads house refers to his brother as his sister and uses their preferred pronoun. I had no idea how to discuss this, other than a light chat about biology is reality - this seemed to reassure him a little. :/

Can you advise me how to proceed. I want to be gentle and kind and not cause any further distress. I am secretly really angry and upset about all of this. I don't want to make it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticpotato · 21/05/2019 22:08

FYI, the older child has been through Cahms and there was no diagnosis of dysphoria etc

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticpotato · 21/05/2019 22:43

bump etc

OP posts:
Barracker · 21/05/2019 22:46

Can you clarify; has your younger child been referring to his brother as 'sister' for the last two years? Or has his older brother only just 'come out' to his brother so this is all fresh news?

RedHoodGirl · 21/05/2019 22:59

I don’t think Camhs are qualified to diagnose dysphoria? Isn’t that the Tavi’s domain?

Original poster
plasticpotato · 21/05/2019 23:31

@redhoodgirl - they are covered by the Tavi, yes

@barracker - apparently the older child has been telling the younger one this since 2017 but the younger one was so conflicted/confused didn't know how to speak to me, I'm devastated by this tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticpotato · 21/05/2019 23:32

sorry to be clear @redhoodgirl the local GIDS was involved

OP posts:
over50andfab · 22/05/2019 00:01

So the older child has been asking those around them to use she/her for the last 2 years? Of course this will have confused your 11 year old if no-one has explained anything about why to him.

Has his dad tried to explain - or has he asked his dad? If you and he have differing views on this could you get together to decide how best to help as I’m guessing different parental views will only be adding to the confusion.

Can I ask what it is that you are really angry and upset by? I’m sure it has been a big shock for your child to tell you they are trans and perhaps you could do with some support in this in how best to understand them so that you can still maintain a relationship with them?

Original poster
plasticpotato · 22/05/2019 00:13

thank you for replying @over50andfab , I am upset at the whole deal. It is a big shock and continues to be so. I am finding the whole thing very hard. There is NO support outside of FWR. I have been GC for more years than he has been trans. I hate saying this, and its goes against Stonewall training but I fully believe it is a phase. His dad enables and encourages this non-contact. It'd not about me tbh, its about my two children. It is breaking my heart.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 22/05/2019 00:15

Wouldn't it be easier to teach dc2 that dc1 wants to say she etc and be called sister but they are the same person that loves them and that pronouns and names aren't all that important.

BlackForestCake · 22/05/2019 02:07

“X is pretending to be a girl and wants everyone else to pretend he's a girl too, but you don't have to if you don't want to."

Original poster
plasticpotato · 22/05/2019 05:59

@BlackForestCake - that's basically what I said

OP posts:
sashh · 22/05/2019 06:21

I was going to say the same as Blackforest but maybe with a bit about being kind, so if dc said he was a dog you could play along and call him 'good boy' and serve his dinner in a dog bowl.

Maybe time to read a couple of Famous Five books. Not great messages in them but George might be interesting to discuss.

Sorry you are going through this, you cannot be the only one.

BessyK · 22/05/2019 06:22

Hi Plastic potato, there is support outside of FWR. Check out 'Parents of ROGD kids'.

AnyOldPrion · 22/05/2019 07:21

Were you refusing to use preferred pronouns and so on? I’ve often worried what would happen if I found myself in similar circumstances. Are you still trying to make gentle contact with your elder son? No contact is so difficult to bear when it’s your distressed teen, I know from personal experience.

I suspect I would try to have an age appropriate explanation with my eleven year old, but I would also the alternate view that some people believe it’s possible to change sex and that currently some medics feel it’s the right thing to do. I’d explain I didn’t believe they were correct, but that only time would tell.

I would be very wary of presenting your views as definitive (even though, like you I believe they are) as your elder son (and possibly his dad from the sound of it) will be doing that in the other direction. I think I’d be trying very hard to appear to be the gentle voice of open-minded reason.

BlackeyedGruesome · 22/05/2019 07:44

I think I would use the same sort of explanation I use in schools abt religions. Some people believe that... other people believe this. We often do this... because it is kind. It is rude to....

over50andfab · 22/05/2019 09:52

OP I think try to work along lines similar to what the last 2 posters have written.

I don’t think using the word “pretending” (or for that matter likening someone being trans to thinking they are a dog) helpful at all. This would only alienate your DC1 further if he knew what you were saying, and also continue to confuse your DS2 rather than reassure. Did he seem to find this helpful that you explained it to him like this?

I do think that getting support and advice from other parents of trans kids might be your best bet to be able to help both you and your kids.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page