A little tiny rant in a safe place...

[QueenofallIsee]

My beautiful (bisexual) daughter has been happily in a relationship with her GF for 18mths, GF has declared herself Trans and is pushing ahead to get a medical transition.

GFs parents struggle with her being gay, they do try but it couldn’t be more obvious. GF herself is butch and gets grief about that...this could not more obviously be internalised homophobia and social pressure.

I have told my DD that her love and support should not be at the expense of her own well-being and that I, her terfy mother, will support however I can. I am raging inside that this is something on the table for a 20year old who should be supported in coming to terms with who she is, not being cheered on to make permanent decisions with life time consequences.

I needed to get that out.

It's heartbreaking. And the fewer butch young lesbians visible to those coming out and up, the more will feel that transitioning is the only option.

This is a good place to vent.

Why can't people see the fundamental illogic of it? If transgender were really like LGB then it's not a medical condition and you don't need medical intervention.

Transition doesn't actually do what it says on the tin: it doesn't transition you to the opposite sex, it just messes about with a perfectly healthy body that remains the same sex. AGPs would have us think you can have a ladydick or a mangina anyway, so why the need to change the body even if one does believe in a trans brain?

I have a health problem at the moment. Your daughter's GF really, really needs to appreciate that she currently has a healthy body (assuming no other issues obviously) and is about to throw it away.

I am actually getting increasingly angry with the medical profession about all this. They should be rescuing people from this not facilitating it.

I am actually getting increasingly angry with the medical profession about all this. They should be rescuing people from this not facilitating it
exactly this. OP I hope your DD and your DDS gf find a safe way through it all.

I like your advice to your daughter OP Have you and she seen the Pique Resilience Project?

www.piqueresproject.com

Yes. We have a transman in the family and he looks wizened and ill, a far cry from the beautiful butch woman he used to be.

Maybe you're the sensible, level headed, non-homophobic grownup this girl needs some common sense from.

Tell her you know (you've heard from other older women) being a lesbian is one of the hardest things to be. Tell her the truth about what female transitioners go through. Raise the sexist way transmen are discussed in the media- the only thing they ever seem to do is get pregnant and ask her why she thinks that might be. Talk about what the physical risks of hormones will be. It's all well evidenced by youtubers nowadays. You don't have to say it all at once or make it a lecture but ask the hard questions - be curious. Ask how she thinks her life will change. Hell, ask her if she's ever had to use the men's loos before and whether she's looking forward to it! It would be enough to put me off in itself not envy.

Thanks all, and thank you to the poster who shared the link - I will take a look. Selfishly, my main concern is for my daughter - she is under pressure to accept and be ‘ok’ with something that fundamentally impacts her whole life. I have pointed out with some force that under no other circumstances would anyone be expected to just go along with a life changing decision and have no right of reply so this is no different. Sadly, in their peer group, I am a lone voice I fear.

OP.
None of this will end well for these lovely young women as they butcher their bodies in search of a fantasy.

Your daughter may well need your strength in the future.

I am struggling with some guilt myself, I am very vocal in my ‘gender is bullshit’ views and have been very fierce with my DD and her GF about that - as 2 young women in a gay relationship in this time of woke madness, I wanted to say these things out loud for their benefit. DD struggled to tell me and her GF couldn’t face me at all. I did also say that my opinion matters not a jot, nor anyone else’s but that I couldn’t apologise for my views as I stand by them and hope that they both understand that this is a hard path. I am glad that they both still agree that self declaration is insanity and that GF has been in counselling for gender dysphoria - no internet pills or anything. DD and GF are working years for this plan, not monthes. I just hope that this stays the case and that no permanent decisions or body modifications happen any time soon.

I remember the struggle for lesbian and gay rights back in the 70s. It was all about liberation: the freedom to be true to yourself, the freedom to love who you wanted, to express your truth.

The push for lesbians to transition is the precise opposite: the adoption of ever tightening stereotypes, a decision to put yourself in a box.

I have read a number of blog posts from older butch lesbians grieving and stricken by the loss of young lesbians to the gender cult. It's heart-rending.

this young person may or may not transsition or decide that this is what they need to do. they may find another path that is right for them. it's upto your daughter if she want to continue on that path with them or not and there is no judgment in that, we love who we love I suppose and i wish them both well. I can imagine it's hard with the views you hold and you sound like you are doing the best you can. none of this is ever easy for anyone so hugs to you too.

My 19 year old niece is determined to transition. She won't speak with me because I don't agree she's a young man.

Hi OP. I just wanted to offer some solidarity from a Trans Widow. The situation is not the same but there are similarities with regards to the pressure your daughter may feel to put up with and/ or celebrate her partner's transition.

She shouldn't have to. It's not what she signed up for. She's lucky to have you to tell her this.

I'm sure this wouldn't happen- but just be cautious about your sympathy and attention being diverted away from your daughter and towards the transitioning partner. It's not your job to counsel the partner. It's your job to support your daughter

Thank you @TinselAngel, I have lurked on your thread and I am touched you took the time to comment. I am very ready for my DD to be at the bottom of her own list and everyone else’s and will be sure to make it clear that here and in our family, her needs are paramount. Weirdly, her GF who is very quiet and unassuming was very pushy and put her under masses of pressure to tell me and the family. Interesting as it is inconsistent with her personality as I know it. Mind you without sounding flippant, I am in ‘stunning and brave’ high alert to be honest so may be over thinking it

My 19 year old niece is determined to transition..

Is she also a lesbian struggling with homophobic parents/society?

There are also physical/sexual implications for your daughter's relationship and sex life; she got into a relationship with this young woman as a woman (and with her gf as a woman) and within that expectations and 'norms' of how they'd have sex, they've presumably established those in their sex. life.

Now, with transition, your daughter's partner is presumably going to have a penis and testicles formed, with a pump to simulate erection and will have expectations/pressure to have sex that way - which is completely different physically (and mentally) from what your daughter implicitly accepted and established with her. So your daughter is really having her partner replaced to some extent with a different version and will, even if she's not expected to have penetrative sex with her partner post transition; be intimate with a person with a very different body/sexually than she got into a relationship with .... Is it just me or is this very unfair?

It’s certainly not you, it IS unfair and is my daughters absolute right to say that it is not what she signed up for. It seems to be all bound up though in the idea that if she loves her GF then she has to be OK with it. I pointed out that my love for her father, and for my current DP (very real and valuable) was/is in fact conditional - no one has the right to say that if it’s ‘real’ it should endure no matter what. The person she loves may change so completely that it is no longer tenable...my intention is to help her face that if it comes, without shame.

Do you think she would browse the trans widows thread - it could be eye opening.

I don't envy you.

People, women especially, are put under such pressure to be understanding and compassionate and accepting; and I think young people in particular have difficulty with boundaries and being influenced. They also feel they're a bad person if they don't accept, support etc.

I suppose "it's not what you signed up for, you don't have to go along with anything" encapsulates it.

Morality I find it extremely unfair and tbh untenable.
OP you have great advice and support here so I just wanted to say hugs and strength to you. It is heartbreaking.

When the dust settles and the emotion has initially subsided, I will ensure that DD has access to resources that give a well rounded view. If her GF is interested, I will do the same for her. It’s all I can do and live with myself. I don’t want to push it too hard and alienate anyone - I am a known ‘TERF’ and going in too hard might mean my DD doesn’t feel she can come to me. She is ultimately more important than anything else.

QueenofallIsee - well, from where I'm sitting, you sound like a fab mum.

@LangCleg, thank you very much...I have never had to deal with someone I love being involved (even on the periphery) in something I am so opposed too so it’s new territory.

Horse I think she is. Her parents aren't homophobic but she lives in a small village where it's easier to be trans than a lesbian. She's currently dating a transman.

I realised belatedly that I'd thought the Op was talking about her daughter, not her daughter's girlfriend.

This may be a bit telling granny how to suck eggs but....You talk about finding a way to ensure that the girls are fully aware of the implications, but I think it is important that remind them that you think they are practically perfect as they are and give them opportunity to talk about the problems they face , how other people can be verywrong and stupid, and that those people don’t become any nicer if you try to fit in with them.
Er...hope that makes sense

I pointed out that my love for her father, and for my current DP (very real and valuable) was/is in fact conditional - no one has the right to say that if it’s ‘real’ it should endure no matter what. The person she loves may change so completely that it is no longer tenable...

I think your statement is one of the most important lessons/points during this volatile time. Because of my life experience I had the opposite perspective until my teens when I asked my mother some hard questions about her relationship experience (I had formed incorrect/cynical views on love and what love meant). She told me pretty much what you said above as well as reinforced "you are responsible for your own happiness - it can never depend on another person". I've always carried that understanding that you make your own happiness - that as well as the conversation about what love is and isn't are instrumental to my view on life as well as my 24yr-strong relationship.

my intention is to help her face that if it comes, without shame.

You sound like a great mom - I hope for your DD and you that however the situation plays out she is able to be strong and make decisions based on what will make her happy.

20yrs old is not an easy age, good thing she has you to help her navigate this crazy world!