How do you refocus on women?

[FloralBunting]

In a cultural system set up to default to men, what are some straight-forward ways in which we can adjust our thinking/behaviour/whatever to put women in a place of significance?

For myself, I've just spent a few minutes choosing the words in this OP to try and offset any rabbit trail derails, and I realized what I was doing was thinking about how men might take offence at women being prioritized, or how women might perceive men not being prioritized, and I decided to stop pissing about being worried what blokes think or feel and press the 'create' button.

Women, how do you put women at the centre of your stuff?

It's a really good question, Floral. We are drawn into centring the thoughts and feelings of men just by standing up for our own rights.

I think putting yourself forward for committees for things you are interested in helps - if many women do this, it automatically become more centred.

However, this does not always work - most of the things I am involved with are mostly women anyway, and if you get a man on he automatically becomes Important . So probably more important for organisations like Parish Councils and School Governers.

Yes. And my first reaction now when I see something ‘women-only’ is ‘Actual women?’ That’s just wrong - it should be a given that women means adult human females.

I seek out women's opinions, female documentary makers and that sort of thing. You get a very different slant.

I think it is also important to have women-only spaces or discussions. Even if they are impromptu they are very enlightening. You realise how much women hold in when men are about.

I'm finding myself being very deliberate about choosing to listen to a woman, even if I disagree with her about almost everything. Even where a man might be more naturally part of my general worldview, I am deciding to insist on women having the space to speak.

Even where a man might be more naturally part of my general worldview, I am deciding to insist on women having the space to speak.

Yes. And it is interesting how much male domination actually frames discourse that it even frames the way I think about things and that perhaps 'more my natural worldview' might actually be 'more my falling in line with what men say and think'.

Good question. I find I often come to it from the other way: I notice when I'm putting men first and then question it.

I went into a hardware shop to pick up something I didn't know the name of for a friend (who'd drawn what they wanted on a piece of paper as they didn't know the name either). There were two staff there, a teenage female and a slightly older male. Immediately I went towards the male. Then I noticed what I was doing and asked the girl instead. She knew exactly what it was I wanted and advised me the best one for the job. When I gave the item to my friend he said "I hope you went straight to the girl? The boy doesn't have a clue".

And I could've got it so wrong.

I've been reinforcing other women in meetings to make sure they are listened to and their opinions aren't automatically disregarded. I've also been deliberately choosing a woman where there is an equal opportunity, for example a female solicitor during a house move, a female dentist etc.

this is such a good question. I'm reading with interest and thinking. Thanks for starting the thread floral. I'll be back when I've had more of a think!

One way to centre women in your life is to fill your imagination with them. Some people have tried a period (a month or a year) of only reading books by female authors, for example.

Alice Fishburn:
What I learnt from a year of reading only books by women
as the number of female voices in my life has expanded, one thing is very different. No one is trying to explain women to me. Female characters and viewpoints suddenly simply exist: whether flawed or flaming, badly drawn or richly nuanced. There they are without spin. Unexplained. Unfiltered. Understood.

A self-described cisgendered white male:
I Read Only Books by Women For a Year: Here’s What Happened

Watching films by women (directors, producers) is harder:
Birds' Eye View

I only support charities for females and I do tiny stuff, like if I see a film & it's male-centred, I make sure my companions know that I think that it doesn't represent my interests well. Often they wouldn't have noticed, since male=default. I have pictures of women on my walls, books by women on my bookshelves. Not big things, but people sometimes notice and their reactions can lead to a conversation.

Like Barelove I had a recent experience test driving a car with a young female salesperson. Her older male boss came over at the end of the conversation and he was patronising to me and the act itself seemed dismissive of the woman who had handled the sale well, I had no problems with her, I didn't see the need to talk to him at all.

When leaving I directed my decision to her, smiled and shook her hand and not his. I may have seemed rude but he popped up out of nowhere and seemed irrelevant to the process so I basically ignored him.

Being a feminist and thinking about women and girls' issues and needs over a long period of time changes your mindset so it becomes automatic to centre women,.

I decided to stop pissing about being worried what blokes think or feel

This certainly helps. Men prioritise themselves, so they definitely don't need women doing it for them too.

What a great thread, thank you. reading everyones thoughts with interest.

This isn't new at all but Twitter is a good place to be women-centred. You can folllow feminists, women's charities, women's organisations, high profile women, any interesting women at all doing so many different things. For example I love, love, love the Women's Art twitter account. It opened my eyes to the beauty women create, kept almost hidden from us by the male art establishment:

twitter.com/womensart1?lang=en

I've also been making a real effort with women at work who are more senior to me. I've always felt protective and supportive of women who are on the same level as me - there's an easy sense of sisterhood in stressful situations for low paid work that you dont have to work too hard for.

But my managers are different, it's easy for me to fall into a trap of viewing them differently to my male managers - I have learned through decades of experience how to handle the male psyche, I can do personable and charming and ego pandering to get things done. You can't do that with women, and that's a good thing for me to develop a healthier way of interacting professionally. So when colleagues talk about particular managers in particular ways that denigrate them - criticizing a woman for not being warm and friendly, I'm sticking up for that woman, even though I don't particularly like her, because she is someone who works hard and long. In fact, just recently, I pointed out that the really charming, friendly male manager that everyone likes never gets anything done, and she does.

I also decided to engage with a women in business event which I'm actually quite excited about.

Some of the things others have mentioned eg Always choose a woman doctr, denitist, lawyer, accountant etc. I’ve tried without success to find women tradepeople.

If I don’t know the sex of the person, I assume they are female.

Eg DD says “ we had a really interesting French lecture from Professor Smith today “ I will ask “ Is that the first time she’s taught your year group ? “

I never EVER ask women friends “ what does your partner think ? “ . If people ask me this, I say I’ve not asked him. Unless it’s relevant of course ( it rarely is ).

When men have a baby I aways ask them if they are going to go back to work part time . When ( not if ) they say “ no my partner is “ I ask if they feel guilty about all the sacrifices she is making in her career for them. Then I add “ gosh you will be saving hard then to make up her pension contributions “.

When they get married I ask them how they will juggle work and the housework . If they have school age kids I ask them how they manage the school holiday.

They all say , to a man, “ oh my wife / partner does it all “ and I give them this face .

But my managers are different, it's easy for me to fall into a trap of viewing them differently to my male managers - I have learned through decades of experience how to handle the male psyche, I can do personable and charming and ego pandering to get things done. You can't do that with women, and that's a good thing for me to develop a healthier way of interacting professionally

Thanks for articulating something which I knew but hadn't been admitting to myself. I've always described my female boss as somebody I admired but found a bit tricky. But the problem is exactly as you describe - it's not her, it's me.

As for your question....Not an answer but I've just spent a few days in Brighton with some gay male friends. I was really struck by the way in which their lives are totally gay man centric (most definitely of the penis wielding type- I feel very sorry for transmen if they are told this is all going to be fully accessible to them). Not being able to get pregnant and not being considered property has shaped their culture enormously and there were so many spaces - both private and public, literal and metaphorical - just for men. And that's totally fine. But I came away thinking "but what about the Brighton lesbians, the becunted ones. Where are their exclusive spaces? Are there any?"

Oh, also definitely doing the female as default, and deliberately choosing to differentiate from the default and a male version - I've done in the above post without registering I've done it because I've been practising!!

So I go to see the doctor, but I also know there are male doctors. I see my manager, but I also know there are male managers.

It started as a bit of a joke from the Man Who Has It All posts, and from reading Invisible Women, but it occurred to me that my girls are starting to internalize a default female in conversation - using a generic 'she' and so on, and so is my 12 year old son, so actually the humour has become something effective in change, too.

Mines much smaller but I try to default female for animals / neutral characters in books / films.

Ooh look, I wonder what that squirrel is up to? Do you think she lives near here? Oh look she's got an acorn..

Which is your favourite alien in this picture? I like her with the sporty body.

Etc

Another couple of ideas:
When real-life events are advertised for women (e.g. an exercise class) or aimed at women (e.g. a talk by a female writer at your local library - it's sad but realistic that few men read female writers), go along to make up the numbers. It would be a net detriment if the people who programme these events decided to stop creating ones like these "because hardly anyone goes".

Also, find ways to write women back into history. Tell your children about Great Aunt Flora. Interview your oldest relatives about their female influences as children and young adults. Maybe you have suffragettes in your family, or someone part of other historical shifts. If you're into family history (and apparently genealogy is almost as popular on internet searches as porn), find out what you can about your ancestors, and write up stories to share.

If you have influence on education (school governor, teacher, lecturer, or even a parent), make sure there are girls and women in the curriculum and supportive books in the library. It all depends on the age, of course, but e.g. HerStory: 50 Women and Girls Who Shook the World .

I choose women at every opportunity, promote women to the girls I have influence over and I listen to those cleverer braver women who go before me.

I am not about to walk on eggshells.

I looked at the Womensarts twitter page and have now found Anne & the Willows homepage. She makes some lovely and intriguing things.

I read a sci-fi book recently..the tea master and the detective..and all the characters were women . I have read many sci fi books in the past with no female characters. INTEResting to compare the WAy I felt about the characters in the two cases. Highlights assumptions I make