Looking for a reality-based sexual trauma counsellor

[bd67th]

I've been off here for a while because my mental health took a turn for the worse. I'm posting to ask for help.

I'm trying to find a UK-based sexual trauma counsellor who is friendly to, or at least tolerant of, the gender critical view. My local Rape Crisis accepts transwomen as clients and I don't know whether they have gone as far as having transwomen as staff, so I'm scared to even phone them in case a male voice answers. I don't even dare ask the question "can I be seen by a female-born counsellor" for fear of being judged adversely instead being understood as someone who is scared of penis owners for a good reason. Plus, my view of a penis as a potential rape weapon regardless of its owner's gender identity is unlikely to be well-received by a therapist who thinks that penis owners can become female, especially when the Rape Crisis counsellors are all BACP-accredited and so likely to adhere to those unscientific and sexist guidelines by Meg-John Barker. (Page 19 still has that nonsense about measuring penises to determine sex.)

Recommendations?

I was doing fine until EVAW published a report showing that a third of men believe that a woman can't change her mind during sex. I have medical reasons why I might need a man to stop. I am already sick of how often men make me ill (cystitis and BV) during sex and I realise only now that I've been risking my health and actually getting ill by not saying "that's enough" because deep inside I've suspected that my refusal will be ignored. I found out during the last bout of sex-induced cystitis (thanks, ex!) that my bacteria are now resistant to nitrofurantoin. I cannot just keep getting sick, so I have to start saying "stop" and I need the man to obey. Knowing that ONE THIRD of men think I have no right to say "stop", how am I ever to trust any man ever again? How can I trust a man with my health? How do I know he's not one of the one-in-three? The thought of ever having sex with someone who has a penis makes me feel sick. If I see a good-looking guy, I feel attraction, then I remember that there's a one-third chance that he wouldn't respect "stop", and I feel sick. This has been going on since December and I'm stuck, I don't know how to stop being attracted to men nor how to stop being afraid of them.

I need to talk about this to someone who understands what it is to be raised a girl, who understands childhood sexual assault, understands that boys assault girls because of sex (not gender identity), and understands why women have a structural fear of men anyine with a penis. And I can't find anyone. Every counsellor I can find online is BACP accredited and so likely to take the view that I was assaulted because of my "gender identity", which not one of my assailants asked about.b

I'm sorry if FWR is the wrong forum for requests for help like this. I don't know where else to turn though.

The vast majority of BACP accredited counsellors do not believe this

I'm one, I know about 80. So don't write them off, email a few and ask if they're gender critical.

I am truly sorry for your experiences. I am also sorry because I could only read half your post because I don’t want to get triggered.

But I want to say I was supported by Women’s Aid who then referred me on to a local rape crisis centre. I knew that way I was going to be speaking to a female person because they facilitated the original contact and told me who it was.

Women’s Aid have drop in sessions where I am as part of their outreach, so you can talk to a person. Although here I was referred on by the legal centre, Rights of Women.

I had been supported by WA for quite a while before I moved to RC.

I did have a conversation with my RC counsellor over my concerns about coming across a transwomen in the bathrooms at one point. I told her that I felt having to be silent about this was the same as having to be silent about what had happened to me.

She said it was an issue they had to deal with in their service and she understood my views. Actually she said enough to reassure me that I was not saying something too ‘out there’ from her point of view.

Not sure if that is any help. She was an excellent trauma therapist and really helped me - although I cannot countenance having sex with anyone at all yet, it is more a choice than a fear, if that makes sense.

Thanks Laurie and Katara. I feel more hopeful now.

Sorry about your issues.

"Every counsellor I can find online is BACP accredited and so likely to take the view that I was assaulted because of my "gender identity", which not one of my assailants asked about."

I disagree with the above statement, though.

I'd recommend the therapist who helped me with my childhood abuse and subsequent sexual assaults, who is humanist in perspective and therefore very pro people accepting themeslves (their bodies) as they are. But he's male and therefore you have valid reasons for not wanting to see him.

Please don't assume that all BACP accredited counsellors are pro-body modification, though.

Freedom Programme & Victim Focus may be good points of contact & can hopefully signpost. They will centre & recognise your needs.
FP has a helpline

While it will no doubt become a risk that more males will be entering these spaces, the rules around this are only very recently changing so the truth is you are highly likely to only ever meet a female. I'd be surprised if any hiring is being done at all with the very tiny amounts of funding they are all working on and the constant cuts to services. More likely it will be the same lady who has worked there for 47 years and has stayed put because she loves the job and not because she can really afford to live on the catfood budget they have given her.

If you call and say you need to speak to a female they will know that sending you to "Susan" of former SAS fame is a bad idea.

If by some chance you do get Susan, you may put down the phone or walk out to "use the toilet" and never deal with them again.

But don't let this be the thing that stops you getting help.

Also maybe speak to some of the women at Radfem collective and see if they have specific names? I feel like they might have contacts or can ask around on your behalf.

I don't know about your particular rape crisis, but do know that rape crisis basically had to make those policies or they would have funding cut. There are a very wide variety of views within rape crisis, I would be very surprised if you felt penalised or judged for your views and you could always ask to speak to a staff member who shares your views if you felt it had become a barrier with one particular member of staff. I would also be very surprised if your request to only speak to an actual female was denied. RC in my experience are client focused and feminist and would not put you in an uncomfortable position. If they did it would be incredibly wrong and would warrant a complaint to the national RC. I'm not saying that all rape crises have only adopted those policies for funding but the individual members of staff who didn't agree have probably gone along with it because they care too damn much about women to risk their funding.

I agree with the above posters, contact your local service and talk about your concerns. The service I used counselled both women and men and I was offered a male counsellor and said no way and that was respected. They generally have a policy where you can request a new counsellor for any reason.

I'm also now a trainee therapist, and have seen discussions of the BACP guidelines on various forums, and not all are happy with them. Some therapists are gender critical, and even those who are not should respect your views. Counselling is about meeting the needs of the client, not a place for the counsellor to talk politics.

Also many counsellors are deeply critical of BACP in general, but need to be registered to be allowed for the NHS or employee assistance programmes. There are other accrediting bodies like the National Counselling Association but don't know what their policies are.

A great feminist resource for survivors of sexual violence is Victim Focus. www.victimfocus.org.uk/blog

I hope you find a good counsellor who will truly understand your perspective and help you get to a point where you feel safer.

I keep typing stuff that worked for me, and then deleting it because obviously I’m not you. And really the main thing I want to convey is that you’re not alone.

More

I called them and the lady was great with me. I never said thank you to you all. Thank you.