First time pregnant, dont want my mother involved

[Dolly415]

Hello, something has been bugging me and bringing back bad memories. Ive never got on with my mother, she emotionally abused me and was never a nice mother but more of a bully, she has created problems for me in later life such as anxiety, BDD, trust issues etc. I wont get into it to much but she just was not a good mother. I pregnant and have not spoke to her in five years nor my sister who wasnt much better to me and is very close to my mother. Im worried they are going to demand contact and even try court, mainly out of my mothers need to control everything.
Do they have a right? when my mother is around me I get so depressed and have been so low tried to harm myself. Im happy now with my partner and bump, and want no negativity or drama in my new families life. I never want my baby to feel how i did growing up, but also dont want my mum manipulating and controlling everything. Im in the UK and if anyone knows or has similar story I thank you. Xx

Im worried they are going to demand contact and even try court, mainly out of my mothers need to control everything.

Why would they do that and if you've been NC for 5 years how would they even find out? No judge would grant that even if they ever did try it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, try to enjoy this time and not waste your energy fantasising about unlikely and distressing scenarios.

If you haven't spoken to her in five years, will she even know you're pregnant?

Your mother, or your sister, will have no legal rights to your children. None whatsoever. Grandparent's rights are not a thing, and on the rare occasions they are - it is because the grandparent has a pre-existing, long-standing and very good relationship with the child. Hope that puts your mind at rest.

Yes that puts my mind at rest thanks love, and she finds out everything I do. Shes apparantly even made a facebook account in my name, I'm not even on facebook. I want my grandma involved, she is my mums step mum, and has divorced my granddad because of my mothers controlling ways with her father. They threatened my grandma and she moved away, I'm trying to get her moved back here for support. My mum lives not to far from me and the likelyhood is that someone we both know will spot im pregnant and tell her. She knows where I live too, but i will be moving before baby is born. My mother has to control everything its a illness in a way. I know my sister will be upset not to have contact, but I have no bond with these people and they make me unwell. I feel selfish not letting them have contact, but deep down I know its for the best for my family. Xxx

You can have a note put on your medical records that your mother is not your next of kin, must never be allowed to visit or contact you, and must never be contacted in an emergency.

Ive done this, she isnt my next a kin now I dont think, but she has changed my address to hers at my dentist! I got a slip through door for check up before xmas and she must of posted it as had her address on, where I swear ive changed it twice now. I will express to dentist and doctors again that she has no involvement, thank you xxx

Echoing that grandparents have no automatic rights over grandchildren. I know from days as a midwife that lots of women don't want their mother involved much in their pregnancy and even more for her not to be there in labour. That's when they have a good or good enough relationship.

Stick to your guns and don't worry.

She sounds a nightmare OP. Tell your midwife, and have a note put on your maternity notes too.

Just tell everyone, basically. Good luck with your pregnancy! And try not to worry too much about your mum.

Hello. I am also NC with my parents, but it came to a head for me just after I had my first child. Years of abuse (emotional and physical) but what finally did it was the appalling way they acted while I was pregnant and after. I feel for you.

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said: they can't insist on contact. However. That doesn't mean that either or both won't try while you're pregnant or after, when you're vulnerable. You should be mentally prepared for that and decide what you're going to do if doorstepped, say. As someone says above, you should make the situation clear to your caregivers - they have GDPR obligations in any case. I would suggest accessing some counselling, if you can, as giving birth can bring all of these things to the fore. I started to have flashbacks and panic attacks after having my child. Also, I found that becoming a mother made me really want TO BE mothered. Not by my mother, obviously, but it made me more conscious of what I had never experienced. I didn't actually have post-natal depression, but, looking back, I think I was a bit bonkers there for a while.

Good luck.

If she doesn't live at your house, but is using the GP or dentist to send you letters its harassment. You can start to escalate if thats the way you want to go. Have a chat with the police and see what your options are.
And yes, alert the GP and dentist. She isn't supposed to use other peoples address.

Thank you so much everyone, you have all put my mind at ease, I have seeked counselling for tomorrow so thank you for that Suggestion, I'm preparing myself for them getting intouch whilst im pregnant and before I move, and spoke to my partner who is aware of situation and very protective over his girls :). So glad I joined Mumsnet, What fantastic people you all are xxxx