Does anyone have a good article on emotional labour?

[KaywinnetLeeFrye]

Nothing turning up on my searches quite hits the spot. I'm looking for an explanation of domestic emotional labour (most results are focused on the workplace), and something that goes beyond the definition of 'managing one's own and others' emotional state/responses'. Some articles touch on that expectation of mothers especially to do all the social organising, know everyone's birthday, etc, but I haven't yet found a piece that conveys that overwhelming feeling of just being expected to know the whereabouts and status of everything and everyone in the household at all times.

(Relatively new username, btw, but have been around for a while.)

Now I'm going to ponder the irony involved with asking other people to find me a good explanation of emotional labour

How about this?

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

(I didn't mind googling and taking another look at that!)

Actually can't do links you could google wifework that might be what you are looking for

I like Emma's You Should Have Asked comic, which posits wifework as being both project manager and labourer.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Men would never expect to both manage a project and do the labour for it.

Oh, sorry Errol! Same thing! Teach me to read proper-like!

Can’t do links but a few to google:

“She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink” (Blog Must Be This Tall To Ride)

“Women Aren’t Nags - We’re Just Fed Up” (Bazaar 2018)

“Women are just better at this stuff': is emotional labor feminism's next frontier“ (The Guardian 2015)

Oh sorry the Harper’s Bazaar one is actually from 2017 :)

Hi OP, are you looking for stuff around someone feeling responsible for another's person's wellbeing, beyond parenting?

I've read stuff around 'wife work' which to me is the mental workload of taking care of the home (as well as completing the physical tasks).

I often feel responsible for cheering up DH after a night shift and generally not letting his tiredness and understand my grumpiness impact on DS.

I'll see what can find and would be interested to see what others find...

Here's one from the Irish Times last week.

Thank you all, I shall look at the articles and follow the tips. I'll report back if I find anything that especially matches my criteria.

OhHolyJesus (great name!) not really about looking after others' wellbeing - more like the constant attrition of all those tiny, not-even-noticed microresponsibilities that are punted to (usually) the mother in a household. I mean the difference between (a) "I've looked all over for my phone and I can't find it anywhere, can you help me look?" - which includes personal responsibility for a situation, an indication that they've already tried, and an implicit acknowledgement that they are asking work from you in helping them. And:
(b) "Where's my phone?" - why do you think I would know where you left your stuff? Why do you think it's my job to keep track of your things? Do you expect me to either physically search for it, or to use my precious little mental energy in wracking my brain to think where I last saw it? With no acknowledgement that any of that is work for me and all takes energy. Etc.

I found this condensed MetaFilter thread helpful, with women talking about their experiences with emotional labour.
docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=ZGVmYXVsdGRvbWFpbnxpbnRlZ3JhbHdvbWVufGd4OjMwMTBhNGU5MTAxNTE1Mjg

Ah ok I'm with you - like a responsibility/mental load thing as well as physically helping to look for something that's lost.

I have no advice, but I have something similar - I've posted before about it. For me it normally centres around the contents of the fridge/freezer and how I am expected to know the sun total of food in the house at any given time! I also know the location of items of clothing and when they might be made clean and wearable again. It's exhausting.

You have my sympathies xx

HolyJesus "mental load" is exactly the concept! Thank you. I'm actually perfectly willing to bat it all back to them, but I'd like them to understand what they're actually asking of me and why it pisses me off.

MotherForkin, thanks for the article. I don't have an issue with division of household labour, but this sentence really jumped out at me:

"It suffocates us in a way, because the pressure to be the one who knows, remembers, and sees everything that needs to be done is overbearing."

Off to do more reading.

Being the locator of all things drives me crazy. Even when given a precise location of an item neither DH or DCs can find anything.

When they've decided it's not there I've now taken to escorting them to the item and pointing at it silently and judgementally as it sits in the exact place I described.

Also being expected to know the exact contents of the kitchen at all times, even when I haven't used the last of the chicken/rice/potatoes/squash.

I re read "Wifework" recently. It's entirely accurate but just enraged me further as I have no idea how to change things.

Ooh I am going to go all 'ask meee, mee mee, I know about this' here. (sorry but I am normally a bit awe struck by everyone's expertise). The term was coined by Arlie Hochschild in a book about the airline industry and she concentrated on aspects like how cabin crew had to be polite to less than charming customers but pilots were sheltered from this sort of work. There is a link to the pdf of her book. I hope it is ok to use it caringlabor.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/the-managed-heart-arlie-russell-hochschild.pdf but you can easily buy it second hand from Amazon etc.

As you say, the original meaning was located in paid work and was very specific. However, it is just such a fantastic concept that the term is used really loosely these days (often without any reference to Hochschild herself) and that is why you are finding it hard to find a really precise definition of emotional labour outside the workplace. It is often used just to describe anything that isn't physical exertion.

There isn't a great alternative term for people like me who like their definition of emotional labour to be pure. Sometimes people talk about gendered household tasks to cover the things like women doing all the present shopping and coordinating admin (eg dental appointments for family) but that confuses some people who think tasks/routines are only about laundry and ironing etc.

Anyway, you are right, women do end up doing most of this. The only person I know who manages this well is my SIL. She expects my brother to do all the present buying/card sending for his side of the family while she does it for hers.

'SHATTERED' is another good one.

Being the locator of all things drives me crazy.

I found a way that may work with offspring at least ... to: 'mum, I can't find...' I'd respond 'have another look; if you still can't find it I'll come and help you but if I find it easily I'll be very cross'. (Don't think my help was ever needed, funnily enough)

Ooh, thank you nettie, that's fascinating. Loved the cartoons, too! My DDs are older now, so I just tell them it's not my responsibility to keep track of their things. Maybe it'll sink in one day ...

Interesting how all the articles I've read so far talk about socialisation. Obviously this is extremely broad brush, but the conclusion I've come to is that in general most men will think "if I don't do it, someone will," whereas most women will think "if I don't do it, no one will."

I've started that too, Eroll. It's even starting to work

I came close to losing it over this issue at the weekend. Dh has been lurching from one crisis to the next with work since Christmas and I've obviously picked up all the pieces at home. Last weekend he was actually home and not working so I took myself, my book and a cuppa to bed for an hour. In the time I was out of the room, the children left dh's side to come upstairs to the furthest away room.in the house not actually that far, it's not a huge house but it is technically true to ask me what was for dinner/could they have a rice cake/where was a game they wanted/other head wrecking bullshit that even if dh didn't know the answer, as a literate adult who holds down a reasonably senior job, he could have fucking worked it out. In his defence, they they didn't ask him at all and he didn't send them my way, but it doesn't say much for his engagement in family life that didn't occur to them to ask him.