https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/24/my-wife-and-i-dont-have-sex-and-i-have-been-buying-womens-clothes?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other
This made me feel very uneasy. One of the people who left a comment underneath (wellfitbooty), made a lengthy post; obviously from personal experience.
He writes.
Good advice.
However the odds are that his wife will more likely not be sympathetic to the news.
This is based on my knowledge of a great number - hundreds - of closeted crossdressers living with spouses. In fact it's a rarity to find a wife who does immediately accept the notion.
Most wives react the same way: this is not the man I married, not what I signed up for. And who can dispute that?
Many instantly assume that their husband/partner is secretly gay, which is also rarely the case.
The urge to crossdress is a complicated thing. Many of us only realise (or admit) the urge in later life, though once we do admit it and think back on our lives, the telltale signs are normally there, often from earliest memory. The feel of a mother's clothing; the swish of certain fabrics; the pretty colours and styles, in comparison to the drab offerings in men's departments.
We live in an odd time, where men are constantly being reminded that they should embrace feminist qualities; be less obnoxiously male; yet within the vast majority of marriages, signs of developing femininity in a husband (or a son) are viewed as deeply threatening, even repulsive, to many women.
This is not mere prejudice on my part - these are the facts, displayed in case after case.
For many crossdressers the best they can hope for is a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) relationship, with clothing and make up kept well out of sight, and no possibility of emerging into the light. For many this works, as the alternative is the destruction of the marriage, but it means that all over the world there are men living lives of frustration and misery; constantly feeling judged, scorned, rejected.
One emotion comes up again and again, when crossdressers talk about their feelings, and that is that putting on women's clothes and acting in a feminine way, brings comfort. It soothes. It just feels right. We don't know why - and many wish they didn't feel it, since it complicates life terribly - but it just does.
i too find the company of most men limited and boring. I loathe the leering at women, the bragging, the limited range of conversation, the crude physical ways, of many men repulsive. I hate pubs and other trad male hangouts. I would far rather talk about clothes, fabrics, art, interior design...yet I have spent much of my life wearing jeans and plaid shirts, and I've made my living as a builder.
A surprising number of crossdressers are or have been in the military, that bastion of ultra maleness. Many had fathers who beat into them trad male values, and mothers who backed up and affirmed the message: to be effeminate is abhorrent, perverted. Girls wear pink, boys get muddy.
I hope the writer finds acceptance from his wife, but frankly the chances are not good. I recommend he looks at a site called crossdressers.com, which has thousands of members and all the advice he needs to deal with his feelings on the matter. This is not a pick-up site, it's a support forum, and I have found it extremely helpful. There are others, but this site is far and away the best.
You'll note I use the pronoun he. Perhaps she would be more appropriate, but these are early days and he/she has much to learn.
I wish him/her the best of luck with what is likely to be a difficult journey. One other thing I've learned is that trying to suppress and deny the urges are futile, even dangerous.
Don't be afraid.
I appreciate wellfitbooty is giving advice specifically to the letter writer, but I must confess that (rightly or wrongly) nearly all my sympathy was reserved for his wife.