Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Flip

Original poster

Was this really Rape?

18 replies

BUTTERFLY2019 · 12/03/2019 23:13

My previous boyfriend used to refuse to take no for an answer, he would tell.me I was being silly and that I was weird for not wanting to be intimate with him. Don't get me wrong there were times when I did but equally times when I did not. I have a child and get tired work demands and also losing a family member slowly during our relationship often left me feeling shattered and certainly not wanting sex. Early on in our relationship he wanted anal sex I said no however on one occasion he forced it in and I shouted out as it hurt. He told me I would get used to it or have drink as it relaxes you.
Other times especially towards the end of our relationship he would indicate he was up for sex but if I was not he would continue and make me feel embarrassed or ashamed I diodnt feel like it. He would carry on having sex telling me I needed the release or that I wasn't normal for not always wanting him. He would accuse me of being unfaithful. Sometimes I said no other times I zoned out and other times I cried. He continued. On many occasions I would try to fall asleep before he got home if he was out but he would still try having sex with me and on occasions I did fall asleep I would wake up to him having sex with me.
Is this really Rape though because I was with him. On alot of the occasions my body reacted to what he was doing regardless of weather I was crying my body still reacted which left me feeling confused and ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

Shortandsweet96 · 12/03/2019 23:14

Rape is: when you say no, they dont listen.

What else is there to explain?

Drizzlehair · 12/03/2019 23:15

This definitely sounds like repeated rape throughout your relationship, no doubt at all from what you've written.
I'm sorry you had to go through that

Shortandsweet96 · 12/03/2019 23:16

Sorry to be blunt. But noone should have to um and ah over whether it 'counted as rape or not'. If you have any doubts then something obviously wasnt right.

mrsdavys · 12/03/2019 23:16

Hi OP, so sorry you went through such horrible experiences! It’s normal that you might doubt yourself and what you’re feeling or make excuses for the perpetrator but it is 1000% rape. Really hope you get the support needed don’t doubt what you’ve experienced; he’s a vile human being and your feelings are valid

PickAChew · 12/03/2019 23:17

Yes. Rape is sex that you don't want.

dragonsfire · 12/03/2019 23:17

Yes this is rape and you need to report it! I am so sorry you went through this!

Sex is not a right boyfriends get, you get a choice.

The whole point of the metoo movement is to stop this crap!

Report it but also get yourself some counselling to understand why you felt could not speak up as that’s important to xxx

nocoolnamesleft · 12/03/2019 23:18

You said no, he did it anyway. That is rape.
You didn't want sex, he coerced you into it. That is rape.
You were asleep, and couldn't consent, and he still did it anyway. That is rape.

I am very sorry that you were raped. You deserve better than this. It was not your fault, it was his fault. He is the one that should feel ashamed. He is the one who should feel disgusted with himself.

It is not unusual in rape for the body to respond. It was still rape, even though you had an involuntary physiological response. You could not help that.

Drizzlehair · 12/03/2019 23:19

And rape isn't 'not listening when someone says no'

It's sex without a reasonable assumption of consent.

Very clear here that your ex could not have reasonably thought you wanted sex every time it happened.

It might be he genuinely did think you wanted it and were playing games etc but that is not a reasonable assumption to make given what you've written.

Shortandsweet96 · 12/03/2019 23:25

And rape isn't 'not listening when someone says no'

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/03/2019 23:27

As everyone else has said, this man has repeatedly raped you. It's very clear, and not at all questionable. He is a disgusting individual.

The physical reaction is not something you can help, please don't beat yourself up about that.

mrsdavys · 12/03/2019 23:28

Shortandsweet96
I think the pp maybe missed out the word ‘just’ in her sentence. I hope (!!) that was supposed to read ‘rape isn’t just not listening’

Shortandsweet96 · 12/03/2019 23:30

@mrsdavys

Quite possible as pp then goes on to say the exact same thing just more dressed up.

No means no. It really is that simple. You cant possibly get consent without asking. It's a yes or no question.

Drizzlehair · 13/03/2019 07:34

I think from the rest of my replies it's clear what I meant.

Rape isn't defined as not listening to 'no'. It is the absence of a reasonable assumption of 'yes' which is a much wider definition.

Please please don't take a fraction if what I said massively out of context.

I also said This definitely sounds like repeated rape throughout your relationship, no doubt at all from what you've written

No room for ambiguity here at all

I agree I could have added a just to my previous sentence to make it clearer

Drizzlehair · 13/03/2019 07:40

My point, and IMO it's a really important one, is you don't have to say 'no' for it to be really clear you aren't consenting.

Ie someone so drunk they pass out isn't consenting. Someone sobbing but unable to talk isn't consenting. Someone who shouts 'stop' isn't consenting.

If we define rape as needing the word 'no' then unfortunately legally all these wouldn't be rape. This is why I explain to my children and anyone else I discuss this with that the definition is important

I once saw a definition, I think on MN, that 'enthusiastic consent' should be the bar. I think this is great - there should be no question that both parties want sex. If there is no enthusiasm then you really shouldn't bother tbh, and that's also IMO a good way to teach boys - it's only fun if the other person wants to join in

Back to OP I really hope getting a clear answer from MN on this enables you to process / move forwards in whichever way you want to next

cherryblossomgin · 13/03/2019 07:47

That's rape and he used coercion. The body reacting to rape is normal and happens more then you think. I would report it.

crosspelican · 13/03/2019 07:49

Definitely rape. I went through similar and was nearly 15 years before it clicked with me.

Shortandsweet96 · 13/03/2019 08:05

It is theabsenceof a reasonable assumption of 'yes' which is a much wider definition.

exactly a wider definition of exactly what I said. If youre not saying yes, your saying no.

Original poster

BUTTERFLY2019 · 13/03/2019 08:16

It has been reported but what I was reporting was something totally different and a question the police asked was had he ever been forceful with me sexually. To which I responded yes. Which is true he had been forceful in that there were times I clearly said stop and no but he carried on using words to make me feel small and stupid. Other times I zoned out and other times I was asleep and just cried. I had never seen it as rape because I was in a relationship with him and also because my body had often reacted to what he was doing I just felt it was not rape. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I've only told a few close friends and can't tell any of my family. I feel so confused by it all.

OP posts:

Flip