Stigma against women proposing marriage

[Valanice1989]

Has anyone else found that MN has really opened their eyes to how reluctant women are to propose, even in the twenty-first century? You frequently see threads from women who are disappointed that their partner won't propose to them, and when they're asked they they don't propose, the answer is always that they're "traditional" (even if they're already living together before marriage, or even have children).

Even when women do propose, some of them deny that they did! I've read posts from women who say, "I didn't propose to him, I just asked him if he wanted to get married and he said yes." That's exactly what a proposal is! You might think, "Oh, she just means that she didn't get down on one knee and hold out a ring", but that doesn't seem to apply the other way around - I've read loads of posts along the lines of "My husband casually proposed to me one night while we were doing the washing up."

It's depressing. It's just another way in which women are expected to be the passive one in relationships, as though they need to make themselves desirable enough to "earn" a proposal.

I casually proposed one night while we were doing the washing up.

I know what you mean though.

Agree. But then I think marriage is incompatible with feminism anyway

I grew up believing that women could only propose on a leap year and was happily surprised to discover that leap years mean nothing and you could propose any time you want.

I do think that a lot of women are still limited by socialisation though and don’t understand that you can (within reason) break any of the fussy rules that you want.

I don’t know the answer. This is something that has always perplexed me. It is certainly not MN that opened my eyes to this though, it’s been something I have noticed ever since I started talking about relationships with anyone. A lot of women take a very passive approach to the path their relationships take from dating to “exclusivity” to marriage; not for me thanks, I like to share the wheel as to where we are going :) But I think there are women who see being asked as validation of some sorts as to being “chosen”.

I don’t get the big hoopla over proposals themselves anyway - don’t most people talk about marriage before an actual proposal? If they don’t, they ought to - a proposal, which ever person is asking,
in my mind should not be a surprise in the sense of “I had no idea he wanted to get married!”. I mean, the answer should already be known.

So why the big need to pretend it is all a surprise? Don’t you both already know or don’t if you want to get married? And if one of you does and the other had made it clear they don’t, why lament over the latter? Neither person is wrong for what they want or don’t, just means they aren’t compatible and need to re-evaluate being together rather than lament something that is not going to happen. I know it is difficult to end a relationship but if marriage is that important to you, and not to them, and it is just causing you stress that they aren’t prepared to get married, then why keep putting your hand in the fire?

I would have asked my husband but he ‘beat’ me to it (by text message while he was being wheeled onto an emergency room, super romantic ha ha). We both knew we were planning to spend a life together, married or not. Actually being married was not that big of a deal for me (grew up with a mother and stepfather who did not marry by choice until after 25 years, etc). I mean I suppose that the fact that the proposal came that way was a bit surprising, but he says the circumstances highlighted for him he really wanted to get married and the fact he asked well, that was not exactly a surprise as I already knew he was interested in marrying me.

I think there should be a lot less emphasis on proposals as being a significant thing. I think couples should be able to discuss whether or not they want to get married without it being a big deal or of massive significance.

I also think that engagement is an outdated concept that needs a lot less emphasis. It's simply announcing that you intend to get married. That's all. It no longer has any legal meaning or any binding qualities. Just announce you're going to get married and that's it.

I really don't like these elaborate public proposals, either. It puts the woman (usually it's a woman) in a very awkward spot.

I wonder if TV has a lot to answer for, actually. On TV, it's almost always the man who proposes (excluding same-sex couples!), even if it's in a low-key manner. Off the top of my head, I can only remember ever watching one female TV character propose to her boyfriend (on Home & Away when I was a kid ). It might sound trivial, but the media does play a massive role in how we view the world, whether or not we admit it.