Strangulation

[HeyDuggeesCakeBadge]

I just read a post on Facebook about a girl who had met a guy on tinder, seemed nice so she spent the night at his, the next day she woke up to him touching her and he then went onto strangle her and saying 'you do what I say' (apparently in a kinky way) until she went dizzy and nearly passed out.

The girl got away but he's apparently texting her still like nothings happened. What the hell is wrong with boys? Seriously, porn has a lot to answer for and no doubt, if she does as everyone is suggesting and report to the police, he'll just say it was consensual.

I feel sick for my toddler DD who will grow up in this world. Vile.

I think the police will take this pretty seriously.

You would hope so Golly, but someone else on that post said this happened to her and the police dropped the case for lack of evidence despite having texts to prove.

Along with the ridiculous cases where men have got away with murder by saying its sex that's gone wrong - I don't hold out much hope for a conviction.

Its a dangerous world. All we can try to do is fight its insiduousness and teach our daughters that a boy / man who tries to hurt you does not and never has loved you.

Theres a thread on FWR dedicated to women who were murdered this way. Many of the men involved have walked free.

I was in a relationship with a guy who'd told me he was a bit kinky, but that we didn't need to do any of that stuff if I didn't want to. He started choking me mid sex one evening, had not asked consent (I know that seems obvious, but he prided himself on being one of those "safe, sane, consensual" types, so I thought things would be fine, but he was sketchy as fuck on the consensual bit), and I had a massive panic attack because I couldn't breathe, so couldn't use a safeword (which he'd kindly explained to me in a theoretical way previously), and was too scared/panicked just to hit the fucker. I just froze.

He managed to gaslight me into thinking it was my fault for not using a safeword and for not being explicit about my "limits". Although I had been explicit that I'd never done kink before. In retrospect I'm ashamed how long I continued that relationship for afterwards. With even greater distance and with a lot more experience of life, I can identify the grooming techniques that made it happen.

I'm now utterly clear about my non consent to kink, but I'm also sure that that wouldn't be enough to keep me safe if some entitled, porn-addled prick wanted to abuse me for his pleasure.

I'm a secondary school teacher and I teach SRE. Some of the questions I get asked are really worrying and horrifying. I wish I knew what I could teach girls to keep them safe. Because it doesn't seem to matter how much we reinforce that they don't have to do anything they don't want to, they're still being made to feel that they must.

So sorry that happened to you Fing

Some of the things that my DNiece tells me about what boys day and do at secondary school it makes me feel ill, don't get me wrong boys have always been full of bravado in school but not like this.

That's scary Fingon Teaching SRE must be such a mine field, I feel so worried about my DD's. Thankfully DD 1 is in her first major relationship with a young man who doesn't approve of porn as it is degrading to women. Let's hope that relationship lasts long term. Just DD2 to worry about then.

New Zealand has recently passed a law criminalising choking/strangulation. Apparently it is often a feature of DV, used to intimidate and terrorise a woman. It also frequently escalates to murder. Which seems fairly logical. I would really like to see such a law introduced here.

yes, it's often a feature of DV but is being 'normalised' through porn, so that women often don't recognise it as unusual and abusive
it's a very high risk indicator for homicide

I actually hate the way choking has been normalised in sex, it's actually terrifying - it can so easily go very wrong very quickly.

I agree, that a law should be passed the same as NZ, and that it should go further. I think that any violence in sex should be deemed non consensual - I hate that fetish has now become so widespread that people think strangulation is acceptable.

What I find terrifying is how little common sense these people can apply to a fantasy. It should be fucking obvious that choking someone could kill them or leave them brain damaged, but they only see their next turn on. The lack of care and concern for their partners is just staggering. It needs a law change and some high profile prosecutions. I was under the impression that you couldn't legally consent to real harm being done to you. IMO choking should be in that category.

As to it being terrifying, absolutely. I have never felt in more danger in my life than I did right then. Who the fuck assumes they have the right to make someone scared like that, to act like they can decide if you live or not? I learnt a lot about "nice guys" in that relationship.

I used to think "what two consenting adults do..." but now have a total horror that kink is taking over to such an extent that it's no longer about "two consenting adults", 14/15 year old girls (year 10) have asked me questions about choking and bondage. I find the bondage really worrying to, as that's widely perceived as a bit of harmless fun, but can go south incredibly fast and leaves women and girls at the mercy of whoever has attached them. Often with "but she agreed to it" as the men's way out of prosecution.

Most of my students have read and seen 50 shades. I tell them that it's a book about an abusive relationship. It's not properly consensual, and so what happens in it is unacceptable. That usually makes the girls reflect a bit. But we're fighting an uphill battle...

I think we should also be educating them on the realities of the porn industry. The best situation would be for boys to think like your DD1's bf Iused2. I have 3 boys and I'm certainly going to make sure they understand about exploitation and sexual violence.

I came of age in the 60's and was a genuine card carrying hippie for a while -- I turned on, tuned in and dropped out, traipsed around South America for a year, no income, no job, free love,cheap pot, everything. I even landed up in jail in Colombia for a while. My mother was a ground breaking feminist before I was born (in a tiny third world country) and my father was a Marxist, right hand to the Marxist opposition leader in my country. So there's no way you could call me right wing.

It was after I was left no choice but to have an abortion when i was in may late 20's the guy liked the sex but didn't want children that I switched tactics. I desperately wanted to keep that baby but couldn't.
I made a new rule: I would only ever have sex again with a man who loved me enough to have a baby with me, if it came to that. In fact, I was never much of a sex addict: I was aware that what I really wanted was to love and be loved, so it was easy to I keep that rule. It made life so much easier. and I was so much happier.
I found someone. Our son was born when I was 34, our daughter when I was 39.

I brought them both up with that very same guideline. I didn't hammer it into them, I just let them know that love should be the prerequisite, but they must decide for themselves.

It worked! My daughter was extremely conservative when it came to relationships. She had her very first boyfriend when she was 18 and they stayed together for 6 years. They broke up then, and two years later she met the man she eventually married and had a baby with.
As for my son -- it's a long story but he too is conservative (with a small s) when it comes to sex, only wants marriage now.

What I mean to say is: I believe more than ever that we women went overboard when we tried to catch up with men re casual sex. It was always to THEIR benefit. It was like Christmas and Birthday rolled into one and now they take it for granted. It is to our disadvantage.

Before I became a hippie (at 19) I was of that generation that believed in no sex before marriage. So in my teens sex just wasn't an option, same with all my female friends. WE laid down the rules and boys respected it. There was kissing and hugging but no sex, or if there was sex it was after a lot of begging and truly long term relationships. No boy expected a casual date to have sex with him. We would have slapped them into kingdom come.

I imagine that younger women here might think this all very odd but more than ever I believe in my rule. I have two granddaughters and I will pass it on to them. I cringe at the thought of some of the men I slept with when I was a hippie -- some were real creeps and I didn't even want to but I was just going with the flow. It's what you did. It's what men wanted.

conservative with a small c, that should be!