Being a mother of girls

[kelliewellie]

I have 2 girls- 5 and 2. What the hell do i do to protect my girls when they grow up? In the past my mum was sexually abused as a child by a family member, i have been raped in my early 20s, assualted several times, the first being in the lunch queue at high school. I love my kids so much but when my eldest was born i was sad she wasn't a boy because i was so anxious about history repeating itself.
So question, how the hell do i bring up my girls in a society where every female person i know has been assualted in some way? I think it would be so much easier to teach boys how to treat other human beings than teach my girls how to survive in the world

Sorry to hear about your horrible experiences op.

I think the best thing you can do is teach them to have boundaries. Not just around their sexed bodies, but around things like having to kiss relatives goodbye or having to smile to order, for photographs or random strangers in shops or whatever. And, in school, against falling into the female socialisation traps of accommodating, being quiet, sitting nicely. Make sure they're not put in the position of 'performing femininity' as little girls, and hopefully they won't do this as they grow into adolescence, and feel that casual sexual harassment is something they have to just accept. Teach them that they have a voice and using it to say NO is perfectly OK.

Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush just now and this is a swift rather than a well-thought out response, but wanted to bump for you. Others will answer more articulately than me.

I don’t think the world is a safe place for a child of either sex anymore.

My DS is in infants at school and an older boy grabbed his crotch area in the playground last week. We’ve had the private parts chat and DS was very upset about it.

I don’t know what is going on with the world

Fight the stereotyping in every way you can. It’s insidious and much more restrictive than it was twenty years ago.

Teach them how to use their voices and their minds. Remind them that they allowed to say no and some things are worth standing up for.

Buy books and consume media that feature girls being bright, brave, bold and clever, not just ornaments or side kicks.

Teach them about their bodies, how they work, how to protect them, who can touch them and where and why.

Find them lots of good positive role models.

there was a thread just before Christmas which may be of interest:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3453616-so-young-and-it-s-starting-already

Keep them away from screens and phones for as long as possible. I know girls that developed serious problems including eating disorders and their mums felt it was a lot to do with their dds obsession with social media/Instagram at age 12.

Get them involved in sport, that builds and protects girls self-esteem and body image.

Thanks AbsintheFriends. I try to do those things but sometimes feel I am fighting a losing battle with everyone else who surrounds them. Stinkytoe I am sorry to here about your son

Hi OP, you're wise to be aware but try not to worry too much. I also have two daughters, and like you I also depressingly experienced assaults as a teenager and a date rape as a young woman. My girls are in their early/mid 20's now and I can honestly say they have never had a problem. They are both strong minded, independent women and as the PP advised, they have very clear boundaries and are not people pleasers as many girls are socialised to be. My inlaws used to complain DD2 would refuse to kiss MIL - I never forced or encouraged her to, and made sure she knew she didn't have to please anybody by doing things she wasn't comfortable with (even when MIL cried about it). Both learned self-defence and martial arts when they were younger which helps build confidence.

That sort of conditioned submissiveness was rife when I was a young woman in the 70's and 80's. You just have to look at the goings on at the BBC in those days that has come to light now. Much of what I endured while in subordinate roles at work back then would get the perpetrator sacked today, but was commonplace then, so things have improved and hopefully will continue to improve.

The fact that you are raising this now shows you are aware and alert to the problems women face, with is brilliant for your girls as you guide them to adulthood. It would be great if parents would also teach their sons how to behave towards females. A recent thread left me open-mouthed, as a mother was defending her son who had harassed and acted very aggressively towards a female student he had dated briefly at university, leading to her submitting a formal complaint about him (including a complaint about physical violence which he denied). Apparently by dating other men in full view of her son, this mother believed she was provoking the lad to be aggressive, and the mum wanted a restraining order placed on the female student! You can imagine the responses she received on here, but sadly worrying that the mother blamed the victim, and one or two posters agreed with her.

Thanks for the reassurance RedBerryTea. Maybe I need to calm down a bit. I have thought about martial arts for my 5 year old. I would like her to be able to defend herself. I have just frozen whenever anything has happened to me then blamed myself for not fighting back (even though logically I know that freezing can be a normal response). Am open mouthed about the thread about the boy at uni and the mum defending him

I think the additional question that needs to be asked is what can we do to end violence in men, male entitlement and the patriarchy?

The onus is always on females to protect themselves, to not put ourselves in 'dangerous' situations, to not 'provoke' etc. I'm sick of it.

Great timing, this thread.
I'm increasingly worried about this very same thing for my DD's (13, 10). I teach and have recently learnt about a high number of relationships
In my year group (year 10's) that are dating. Many of them are having sex and I've been
Told, being coerced into it. The porn culture is rife (what these boys laugh and talk about is just awful) and girls who I would least expect (think sensible, strong) to be coerced, are getting sucked in and used. I fear for my own girls in this culture, where access to porn and social media influences have changed the landscape
Of adolescence. DD (13) doesn't have social media at all and she feels left out.

I don't have tv's in their rooms
and I keep a tight control of the internet. But I can't monitor friends and I know most of them have free reign. This kind of stuff keeps me awake at night.