Families of trans kids/teens/adults

[Moominfan]

Anyone in need of a support thread? I know I am. My sibling is f2m and it's devastating. They want to mutilate their body beyond recognition because they hate it and everyone else in the family is cheering them on. I'm the bad guy because I'm not supporting them how they want. Would love to hear from others and how they're coping. In real life I only know one mum who has an autistic daughter who's currently on puberty blockers, even though puberty has been and gone. Said it's making them really ill and is putting a brave face on.

That reply was to SoloClarinet, I should have written that, I'm not sure how to do the "quoting" thing.

Just popping in to say Hi from the Trans Widows thread. Solidarity x

InterestingNC, I think it is hard for AS teens because it is almost a perfect storm for them. AS (autistic spectrum) folk often prefer online stuff because it feels easier than face to face and a lot of tran ideology is spread online. As an AS teen you often struggle with your body because 1) it's changing/changed and change is scary, 2) sensory issues mean that the body has never been very comfortable and most of us are a bit dissociated from our bodies and prefer to live in a safer fantasy world, 3) female AS people are especially vulnerable to sexism because we tend not to follow feminine conditioning so we are marked as 'not right' for our sex, and we are also more often victims of abuse and harassment because we don't understand neurotypical boys/mens manipulation, 4) we have often been socially excluded and so any social group which will accept us (e.g. trans activists) are appealing, 5) maybe we can be different in a way that is "in vogue" rather than just being then awkward AS kid.

Are you able to point her to some gender critical reading? Educate her in feminism? Question sex stereotypes? Appeal to her logical side? I'm not sure if like with cults it's best not to directly challenge the beliefs of the cult, though. It's a tricky one.

Sorry I am tired and the structure of that comment was off, you get my points though probably. Best of luck.

Thanks RedRosa I have tried to talk to her, especially about her online presence and the manipulation of others but she doesn't want to listen because 'they are her friends who understand her'. We have talked about feminism and stereotypes and I have always tried to instill in all my DC that they can be and do whatever they want, dress however they like and don't have to follow a path. When she was in Yr 11 she said that her group of friends were the queer group but it felt like they were playing roles because they didn't fit it anywhere else. She had one particularly toxic friend who I think has not helped, and I hoped when they went to separate colleges things would change but I think my DD has kept this persona to help her make the transition to college as it's easier than being who she is - which is different.

My (autistic) son told me he was transgender a few weeks ago. There has been no depression, no anxiety, no indications of unhappiness at all. I am usually quite good at spotting when something is bothering him and then work on finding out what it is. It usually turns out to be school or holiday (travelling) related. Apparently this started at puberty, which is about 4/5 YEARS ago and i had no idea here was anything wrong. I told him right from the start it would be ok and I would support them, but I am struggling to actually feel that it will ever be ok. I look at the future and just see how hard it will be for him. He said he wanted me to contact a gender identity clinic, but I’m terrified that will push him further in when what I really want is for counselling to get to the bottom of it and realise they are just ‘copying’ a recently out freind. But I don’t know if it’s copying or if he just got confidence to come out because of said freind. At 16 too I don’t get any say in what happens now. He has changed his name at home and with a few friends, we are respecting that because I don’t want the very small line of communication to close completely but deep down I’m broken by it all.

So many of us feeling that this thing isn't 'real'. I too think my 14yo DD isn't 'really' trans. She listens to me when I try and question things carefully but there's no shifting her at the moment. It scares me so much. I hate to think of the irreversible things she might do to herself.

Our kids really need to know that we will stick by them whatever happens. I was, and still am, worried sick about the future.

ASD kids I think might struggle understanding how other people see them, as well as struggling to understand themselves. Changing gender just adds a whole layer of complexity that is going to make everything more difficult.

And we all know that our ASD kids are in some ways years behind their peers in terms of emotional maturity. They may be older teenagers or adults on paper but 4-5 years younger, if that makes sense?

I really worry that adult gender clinics won't take that into account.

solo

I have done everything I can in terms of acceptance. I haven't questioned this at all, have ensured they know it will be ok.

The reality is though, it's never going to be ok again. For me that was a life changing point that I don't know how to 'fix'. All I can see is my seemingly happy and rather well adjusted son is broken

I'm terrified of the clinic just going full steam ahead when actually, o think this is more of a masking type situation. 'Oh I can be X instead of me'. My youngest does it but he turns into a different version of himself which doesn't bother me, but full on MtF transitioning? Horrified that this is out of my control.

Need - I really do share your pain. In my darkest times I really see no good future at all (kid is currently not in education or employment despite v good A levels). In the good moments I have to believe that trained medical professionals working in an ethical framework will help my child work out the best thing to do, whatever that is.

As an aside - I don't think my kid has gender dysphoria in the way Polly Carmichael describes it in last nights programme. She has no problem with her biological body, just wants to be "seen" as a male person, if that makes sense?

In the good moments I have to believe that trained medical professionals working in an ethical framework will help my child work out the best thing to do, whatever that is.

This is what I am hoping. The idea that they can simply change is horrifying. I haven't made the call yet, because I am a bit head in the sand over it I think. I want to support my child no matter what; and outwardly, to them at least, I am. But my thoughts and feelings don't match.

I would be happy with him being 'seen' as female but I can't wrap my head around the permanence of the other.

We've been in this for about 2 and a half years and nothing in that time has made me think changing gender is the answer. Feels a bit like our kid has been taken in by a cult, frankly.

In the car tonight I asked my son how he was, did he still feel as if he was a woman, and he said no! He hadn't talked about it with me since before Christmas but had been very distant as he knew I didn't really believe that he was trans. I'm thrilled, although aware he may have just said that to get the subject changed. I'll find out more definitely in a couple of weeks when he has a CAHMs appointment. His counsellor had been suggesting family therapy so he could talk to me about this issue. I'm hoping he'll say he no longer needs to.
He's ASD and quite judgemental, I can quite imagine that he saw some trans stuff online that he found cringe and then the wool fell from his eyes. Fingers crossed!!

Good news Jam - and good that you are communicating with him. Let's hope CAMHS are cautious too.

Thanks Solo
I'm not quite sure what the CAHMs councillor really thinks, she's really eager to stress how long the wait ( for Tavi) is- don't worry..., Yes I still worry, I've just been quite supportive in my disapproval ! I hope this is the end of it and his story can be hopeful to others.

Hi everyone. I have a 15 year old daughter, she now believes she is transgender. She has always been a tomboy, came out bit few months ago. Now she cut off all her hair, and wants to be a boy. Her father is also transgender.

That's great news jam!

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in senter. Sorry to hear, 15s so young. I just wish there were more tomboy/butch role models around

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones

"I have been supportive since around 18 months into my child telling me they feel this way.

My support has helped so much, and my child knowing that I am there means I can discuss every single aspect if this without being accused of transphobia.

It's very difficult, but ultimately I think being supportive but questioning is the way forward. You don't have to agree with everything to be supportive."

I think that is the right approach when you know this is really happening and is not a phase.

May I ask, what was the turning point for your being more supportive, please, if you don't mind saying?

This recent conversation between a mother & daughter reflecting on their relationship during the period when the daughter thought she was trans and then post 'detransition' may be of interest.

They are the founder of 4thWaveNow & one of the Pique Resiliance Project (young women who have 'de-transitioned' )
4thwavenow.com/2019/02/27/a-grand-conspiracy-to-tell-the-truth-an-interview-with-4thwavenow-founder-her-daughter-chiara-of-the-pique-resilience-project/

R0wantrees thanks for posting that.

Thanks for that, I think the way I've responded to my sibling they won't consider anything I have to say on the matter

Been working my way through these ladies videos. 4 young ladies who have now detransitioned

Moominfan this is amazing. Thank you.

recent thread with other important voices describing their experience having 'de-transitioned'
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3507109-Pique-Resilience-Project-young-detransitioned-women-sharing-their-personal-stories

Wish I'd seen their stuff before I put my foot in it