Porn chats with young DS'

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

My son is nearly 11, he's in his first year at secondary. At home and on his mobile we have parental controls, but I'm not so naive to know that everyone is the same.

I know he will see porn and I know how vile modern porn is. Which is why I feel I need to start the conversation with him around the issues of consent, respect and the fact that women are as individual as men are and their voices are as valid.

I was admonished by a family member though for 'telling him too much, too young'.

My thought was, if I don't, and I don't open a dialogue that's honest and open, someone else will. And when you get there too late. It's too late.

I think as a mother (and father, DH was also involved in this conversation), it's my responsibility to teach my son to be good.

I see so many threads on here about dick-head men and wonder 'where did they come from?'

Dick-head blokes are not born in isolation. It has to come from somewhere. Surely?

DS is nearly 12. Sorry forbthe typo.

Don't have sons but I think your family member who told you 'too much too soon' is totally wrong. Lots of parents think that and the conversations get more difficult the longer you leave them. Plus, he's your son so it's up to you. Loads of boys are watching porn at 10 years old. They have no context to put it in, they do seem to believe what they see is a real representation of adults' sexual activity. If you don't tell him otherwise how's he to know different?

Well done. It’s hard to have these conversations, but we do have to realise that times have moved on from discussions about the birds and the bees and maybe your relative does not understand this.

Thanks Ancient, I agree.

We have to talk about these things.

I think it is sadly necessary to have these conversations quite young nowadays. There is such variation between the control parents set on phones (personally I’d like phones with access to the internet banned for children under 16 or an alternative contact method for parents and children and no phones in school at all) that once they get to secondary they may well be exposed to all sorts of stuff by peers and you have to get in early to frame it in a useful way.

I’m psyching myself up for more conversations about pornography etc than I’d ever like to have in a few years time (DS is 8) and getting my husband involved in these conversations as well. I think this might help. I was with some friends when we ran into some anti-Page 3 protestors and my male friend was quite surprised when he made light of it that my husband was not going to ‘banter’ with him and that he felt the same as I did about it. My other friend later said she thought the only reason male friend started with the ‘banter’ angle was because he thought my husband would agree with him and was sort of trying to fit in and not alienate him. That really exemplifies the toxic masculinity that the Gillette advert addresses (whatever I think of its motivation). I think for teenagers that is so hard. But we can minimise the damage in the family I think.

I was recently told by a pshe teacher that more often it’s too little too late rather than too much too soon

I do have a son and 12 isn't too early at all.

I've also told mine that porn and prostitution fuel the trade in human traffic and slavery. That conversation was easy, because I use a local taxi firm that refuses to carry trafficked people, and they all display stickers.

Sadly if he’s in secondary school he’s probably seen porn whether he wanted to or not. There will always be a least one who delights in showing the others on their smart phone.

Your family member is hopelessly naive about what goes on in modern schools. Well done on your parenting and good luck.

HairyHands I have all the same worries.

How do I explain any of this to a little boy (because they still are at 10/12)?

At present my plan is to start small; we reenforce that no means no, encourage them DC to talk about anything new or unusual & hope that they understand nothing is taboo. So when it happens, we can talk about it.

Ignore the people giving their opinions - especially if they don't have small children. It's your call.

I found that having "spontaneous" (that is to say, entirely pre-planned) conversations about it with DH when they were in the room was a good way to go at first. That way, they absorb via a bit of osmosis and can ask questions without feeling embarrassed.

I mean, I’ve basically never seen pornography (except for a lot of ancient vase paintings!). But I’ve read enough about modern porn and the internet to feel I have to address it and the reality of it quite openly and explicitly however distasteful I might find that.

I am angry this is necessary. I often find Years 7-9 vary widely in how much they even know about sex and porn and it is sad how the ‘innocent’ ones end up being disabused of their innocence. I’d rather they could stay young a bit longer but I’d also rather get some earlier words in.

Most boys see their first porn now in year 5 or year 6 do he has probably already seen some.
Talk to him now!
Definitely not too early.

This is my worry Scarfell and Scipio.

DS is extremely sensible and grounded, but, he will be exposed to material that's unpleasant and in some way appealing. And I've tried to tell him that I am always available to speak about anything.

@LangCleg that's a marvellous suggestion. My DS is 11 and likes to listen in on all our chat. Great way to introduce some of these trickier issues!

I was a nineties kid and in year 6, the boys in my class were googling page three models in the school computer suite. 10+ seems an appropriate age to begin the conversation.

DS knows he can talk to me about whatever. I've framed it as when I was young and confused and didn't know. And that I will never laugh at or judge anything you ask me. They know I will answer honestly.

If you don’t talk to your kids about sex, someone else will.

Quite!

SpunWriteRound - same thing with politics or any other issues, really. There's always something going on that you can hang a conversation on so that they can hear it. Half the battle is showing them there's no problem in having the conversation. They'll pipe up when they're ready and until then, they're taking in the message without feeling lectured cos you're talking to each other and not them.

Hi we have a 13 ds. We do have chats about all things. There are never seat down conversations we just chat.
He knows about porn as what it is but up to this point I have no evidence of any curiosity. I just told him that my problem with porn and many other things is that that's not real life and I want him to learn about love and sex in a normal way way.
We do laugh a lot when we talk about things because I always say that I'm not experienced and he needs to help me out.
Just don't make it a lecture o talk too much.

This is though one of the benefits of single sex education for girls in that they genuinely don’t get exposed to it in the same way via their peers.

I realise that doesn’t help your DS though. But 11 is not too early. LangCleggs suggestion is good. Most 11 year old boys will still think it’s dusgusting if they haven’t been exposed to it so that’s something to build on. Kids get a bad rap about this but most of them do have a moral compass and the hormones won’t yet have kicked in. You definitely need to prep him for what he might see.

Thank you.