Gender ideology has its claws in my family

[ContentiousOne]

And I just want to scream.

Have had 3 years of my eldest, now 21, being trans masc. I'm relatively at peace with that now - I made sure she did not make any drastic life or physical changes until I had her in treatment for her co-morbid mental health issues. She seems pretty sane about it all, and as she's getting older and her brain more mature, I do feel it becomes less and less my business. (She is classic ROGD). What she chooses as an adult is her business and I can live with that.

But now I have my 15 year old son telling me he is dysphoric. I am stressed out of my brain because my dh has been in the ICU this month (long story but he nearly died) and our financial position is dire...ds and I had some convos about it in the past and he is weirdly GC in some ways (doesn't believe in gendered souls) but he is still sucked in to this idea that the discomfort he feels about his maleness and his male body right now could mean he is meant to be female.

He is pretty disappointed that I affirm the feelings but not the narrative. He's upset. He says his counsellor told him he is dysphoric (he's supposed ot be seeing her for low mood and anxiety, which I attribute to family history, social difficulties, and some vicarious trauma through the last few years of dd being in and out of hospital, and a distant relationship with dh).

I can't even type the words I want to say, but I am so sick of dealing with this social contagion.

And I just feel totally a failure that this thing has hit my family twice. I feel like I must have invited it in somehow.

I know all the things to do. He already knows that he can be gender non conforming and I will support him. He knows that I won't allow hormonal or medical input, or affirm social transition in the home. I gently challenge some of the cognitive distortions he has, and give him lots of hugs,

I've told him how normal these very intense feelings around our bodies can be, how there are ways to cope with that distress that don't foreclose early on one's life choices. He's still crying and upset and I feel quite worried for him.

I am exhausted. I mean, Im exhausted anyway - the last few years with dd, dh, serious illness, financial woes - but this. This gender poison. I feel sickened with fear and sorrow and distress and also anger. Genderists, get your claws out of the world my kids live in.

I know there's no advice anyone can give that I don't already now. I just had to get it off my chest or go mad.

No advice but massive sympathies. A friend's daughter announced her transition while her father was in hospital for serious health issues too. For at least some kids, it seems to be a sort of coping mechanism when their world is in upheaval for other reasons.

Plus, teenagers can't look very far ahead! Relieving today's painful feelings is always going to outweigh trying to second-guess what they might feel like in future.

The inability to look ahead is why I have to do it for him. I've told him that; he gets it. He still wants me to say 'Oh, yes, obviously you are a girl, let's - idk - change your name and buy you a dress.'

I just don't know if I can handle the sheer insanity of it all again. And I am worried about ds and his mood.

The teenage years are a time of massive emotional challenges and general angst anyway, OP. His low mood is not your fault and you're doing the right thing. Maybe ask him how he thinks his life would be improved if he were to start living as a woman- if that's what he wants to do- and why that would be different from now. What does he view as the difference between men and women? Why does s have feel that changing would help?

s = he

And the word have shouldn't be there.

I wonder if there's an element of seeing his sister present as male, knowing that doesn't make her the same as him, and thus - by some subconscious logic - in order to accept his sister as male, he must be female?

I have no advice and my kids are still very young. Yet somehow the four year old gets told she is a boy for wearing trousers (the uniform rules state only boys can wear them and I challenged it) I’ve also had to really reinforce that she can play and like anything as a girl and boys can do the same. It’s crazy how stereotyped things seem to become once they hit school. I’d just keep saying to your son that stereotypes are just that and don’t mean anything, if he is feeling uncomfortable about not seeming as manly as others then just keep explaining that, he’s uncomfortable because of other people not himself or his likes etc. That’s what I keep doing and it seems to have helped. Sorry you are going through all this, it must be so difficult given everything else going on.

Plus pushing against a boundary (which he knows you will hold firm?)

for you OP.

That was difficult to read so I can't imagine how hard it is to live with it.

You sound like you are doing a great job so hopefully in time it will pass and your son will figure his feelings out.

It really seems that for a lot of kids dysphoria and related feelings have become the new eating disorder or self harm technique in response to difficult situations and complex emotions that are often part of growing up.

He's upset. He says his counsellor told him he is dysphoric (he's supposed ot be seeing her for low mood and anxiety

I would be looking for a new counsellor or therapist OP regardless of anything else. What does he say if you ask him if he thinks he is dysphoric? You really have a full plate and this is the last thing you need, I hope you have support weathering the storm. It may even be as simple as a quick route to attention at a stressful family time.

I would focus on keeping life as steady as you can, don't get too drawn into details as you have been and wait for him to work himself out. You sound like an amazing mum dealing with a difficult time, I don't think you have invited this in, it is a cult leading children away from themselves at the most vulnerable part of their life.

I think we need specialist services to support the families of people who swallow this ideology. It is all about manipulating and gaslighting the people who care about you into taking leave of their senses.

I want to tell all these ideologues -
Keep your trans off our kids!

Gah! I know you don't need advice and I probably wouldn't have any that's useful but glad you can vent.

How fucking annoying.

Hugs, flowers and gin.

I hear you and stand with you and understand

What you're going through is unbearable. I know.

Genderism, especially in the form of ROGD, turns day into night and spreads its poison through everything. It is utterly pervasive.

We have been gaslighted and manipulated and had hysterical
accusations made against us simply for refusing to affirm a sudden and rapid pathway to physical transition. Or to agree with the euphoric and fixated narrative that goes with it.

So we are now the enemy, the abusers, and have been cut off - in the most chilling way.

We entirely accept the right of our young adult to make their own choices and decisions. And to believe what they want to believe. But we will not be compelled to collude with lies or delusions. Or be forced to say that their truth is our truth too. But that is a crime and has to be punished in this bizarre totalitarian world we find ourselves pushed into.

The thing about being a parent, and especially a mother, is that we do know the truth - the physical and material reality of our children. We have given
birth to them, fed and nurtured them, know their intimate history and every aspect of who they are from the beginning onwards.

Yes we can't know the feelings that belong only to them, but we know when they are traumatised and hurting and when they are escaping from a frightening and challenging reality into an identity that seems to promise
them salvation and acceptance
within the 'safety' of no debate.

We know that what seems so urgent and unbearable now, will likely pass if they are given time and loving neutral support. A one way path of affirmation, speedily taken and leading to lifelong medical treatment and surgery, is not the way.

You so clearly love and want the best for your children and are holding onto reality and loving boundaries.

Who else will do that? Who else will truly love them enough, and risk everything, to show them that there is a bigger picture?

I think you're dealing with this nightmare admirably. And it's okay to feel angry and terrified and helpless.

Keep holding onto your truth. There is still time with your youngest child.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk privately.

SisterWendyBuckett

No words

SisterWendyBuckett

Yes. You get it. I may take you up on the message later. It's just so fucking relentless.

I'm so sorry X

My 19 year old niece had dysphoria after her dad left. She starts t this month.

We're not talking because I refuse to collude in the lie. She's not a man and she's not my nephew. I call her by her new name and use her preferred pronouns but that's not enough. Apparently.

Massive sympathy. It’s hit my extended family: niece who’s had a history of mental health issues (on anti-depressants since 13) has now announced she’s the rams and is starting hormone therapy - she’s just shy of 17. Wants to be known as male, new name etc etc.

That part of the family is in another country so I’m hearing this at a distance and so can’t really do much except look on in despair.

Neither parent (one with a lifelong history of eating disorders) is particularly gender critical to put it mildly.

I despair really. What are we doing to our teenagers?

Yet somehow the four year old gets told she is a boy for wearing trousers (the uniform rules state only boys can wear them and I challenged it) I’ve also had to really reinforce that she can play and like anything as a girl and boys can do the same

whaaaa?

Those of us who were feminists in the 1970s did not "burn our bras" ** for this.

We need another Women's Liberation movement ....

** We never did actually burn our bras, it was a symbolic action.