Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Does he have misogynistic tendencies?

57 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 07:11

I wonder if you can help me. I know a man who I think is wonderful in every way except I have a fear that he may have some misogynistic views. He doesn't say anything outright exactly but there are some red flags. For example, when he swears he occasionally uses the words wh*re and b!tch which none of my male friends would ever do. He has commented on a woman's outfit (to me) and said it was inappropriate. To be fair it was but still.

We have great chats and I'm looking for some ideas of topics that might help me get to the bottom of this. For example I thought about asking him his views on whether a woman's sexual past should be looked at in rape cases. Can you think of other questions that will help me find out if he's a misogynist? He's intelligent and will be guarded so the questions need to be relatively subtle. Thanks.

OP posts:
Whowouldathunkit · 12/12/2018 09:35

Think you're giving this way too much thought OP.

Why just this man and not ALL men?

I may get flamed but if you HAVE to actively look for signs of misogyny, then perhaps he isn't.

Must be exhausting having to vet men like this.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 12/12/2018 09:38

I agree with you OP! I don’t think commenting on someone’s inappropriate attire always is misogynistic at all. That bit is probably a red herring. The whore comment is a bit different though.

UpstartCrow · 12/12/2018 09:39

What an odd post, this is a close relationship, not a stranger on a bus. And yes women always have to vet men because the bad guys aren't upfront about it. They hide.

Imnobody4 · 12/12/2018 10:08

Why not just wait till he shows a another 'sign' and then query/challenge him. There is no magic question to ask.

rememberatime · 12/12/2018 10:46

I've recently been in a similar position to you OP and in the end I had to ditch him. There were many things that made me question him but in the end it came down to him being very bitter and angry about his ex and that spilling out into a generalised rant about how women always get what they want because the court system is biased.

I was then unable to express a viewpoint that disagreed with his, because his opinion was firmly set. there was no give and take. This was my "no" moment.

I would talk to him about previous relationships and see if he talks about his ex with respect and care - despite the breakup. It's Ok to feel regret, disappointment and even some anger. But he also needs to be able to see her viewpoint and understand her motivations - while still being aware that there were good points.

BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/12/2018 12:46

Thank you. I have had some excellent, thought-provoking advice on here. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
ScottCheggJnr · 12/12/2018 18:03

I'm a bloke and wouldn't use the word 'whore'. The word 'bitch' is less offensive to me if not used to describe women - i.e. if it's instead used like "oo, you're such a bitch".

On the flipside it seems very commonplace to call somebody a "dick" or a "knob" - see it plenty on here.

LassWiADelicateAir · 12/12/2018 18:18

But she was doing the equivalent of wearing shorts in a court room. It was inappropriate dress

You said she had changed for after work drinks and was wearing a jacket over a bra top. Doesn't sound remotely equivalent.

But I was just concerned after the 'whore' and 'bitch' swearing that this could be part of a bigger misogynistic picture from him

I don't think I've ever heard "whore" used in real life. It is an extraordinary word to use. I don't like "bitch". I also don't like swearing being commonplace. He sounds pretty unpleasant tbh.

BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HestiaParthenos · 12/12/2018 21:46

I may get flamed but if you HAVE to actively look for signs of misogyny, then perhaps he isn't.

I would have dumped him for using the words mentioned. Even if it is "just" swearing.

So no, there's no need to look for signs of misogyny.

Only the question if his misogyny is still in the tolerable range, so to speak. As women who want relationships often feel they have to compromise and allow for some misogyny.

I'd just mention some recent controversial rape case and let him talk.
Perhaps ask some innocent questions if the mention of the case doesn't get him talking anyway.

KataraJean · 12/12/2018 22:11

I absolutely would not ask him what he thinks about a woman’s sexual history being used in rape cases - that is hardly something you drop into conversation and rape complainants are exploited enough without turning it into a litmus rest of a decent man.

I think the use of ‘whore’ and ‘bitch’ would put me off, to be honest, but I would also say that the point about how he reacts when you say no is a good one. Then also how does he treat women (or any people) in service roles? Is he willing to admit he was wrong rather than deflect and reverse blame in conflict situations? All of these things as well.

Truckingonandon · 12/12/2018 22:23

I would walk the very first time a man used those particular words. I have very low tolerance for that kind of mysogenistic language. Please do not really really like a man who refers to women in this way. It won't end well.

LassWiADelicateAir · 12/12/2018 22:33

I may get flamed but if you HAVE to actively look for signs of misogyny, then perhaps he isn't

OP didn't have to look - he set his stall out quite clearly and openly.

I would have dumped him for using the words mentioned. Even if it is "just" swearing

Me too.

Lettera · 12/12/2018 22:34

OP, have you posted this question because you're contemplating a relationship with this man? If not, why are you asking? I'm rather puzzled!

FlyingOink · 12/12/2018 22:39

I think that OP really likes him already, and wanted either enough justification to stop seeing someone she really likes, or enough justification to ignore something that worried her enough to make a thread about it. Skewing more towards the latter. The fact he's "intelligent" "guarded", used to be her boss and she wants a bit of back-up before having a debate with him worries me! OP, if you're about, make sure you approach any budding relationship as equals. If it isn't feasible, don't go there. video

Lettera · 12/12/2018 23:04

That's what I thought, Oink, but I was puzzled that Apples says she knows this man well enough to think he's 'wonderful in every way* (and he's her ex-boss, someone she knows him as a colleague) but apparently not well enough to decide whether he's a misogynist.

OP, you clearly realise that using words like 'whore' and 'bitch' is misogynistic - you refer to them as red flags, which they are! It's also misogynist to describe a woman's clothing as inappropriate when it's obvious that what he meant was 'sluttish' or something equally offensive.

I wouldn't want to have anything to do with this creep.

Branleuse · 12/12/2018 23:13

are you actually looking to date him?

All swear words generally come from misogynistic, racist, disablist backgrounds. Some more overt than others. Sometimes people use them because theyve never really looked that deeply into it or are immature, but the fact is, theyre supposed to be offensive and shocking.
I wouldnt see any of those things as deal breakers for an aquaintance, or even a friend, Up to you if you want to dig deeper and catch him out, but whats the point?

moofolk · 13/12/2018 23:01

Following on from what Bob says above and what others are getting at: everyone should watch this film

It blew me away and is very uncomfortable viewing (controlling relationship plot, not on the trailer).

ScottCheggJnr · 14/12/2018 00:53

Imagine someone beating a man viciously while saying you're such a knob/dick.

Now imagine someone beating a woman viciously while saying you're a bitch.

Different images conjured? Yup. Not the same.

I don't really see your point.

Both are equally reprehensible. It's just that we're conditioned to view VAWG as a much worse crime.

Materialist · 14/12/2018 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

endchauvinism · 14/12/2018 16:19

Hard to say if he's misogynistic or not so far. Some people use swear words without thinking about their meaning much. I think you should emphasize to him that you're independent and can get by on your own. Misogynists tend to see women as the counterparts of men, with a main role in life of meeting a man's needs and putting his before her own. I've been told outright by some really sexist men that "men don't like independent women." Because, obviously they don't. Sexists often make blanket statements about men and women, too.
Also you might consider pointing out some of the things going on in your culture that you find sexist towards women and see if he agrees or not. A lot of misogynists mock the idea that women deal with sexism in any real way today. Get him talking about sexism, the Me Too movement, etc. and try to get a general idea of where he stands on that kind of stuff.

starcrossedseahorse · 14/12/2018 17:38

I would not be in a relationship with a man who casually used the words 'whore' or 'bitch' when speaking about women. It would be a red flag for me and I would walk.

MargueritaPink · 14/12/2018 20:46

Hard to say if he's misogynistic or not so far. Some people use swear words without thinking

Is it just me but when did "whore" become a swear word?

It's an archaic word and I've never heard it used other than a historical context. I really can't imagine any situation where one would use it so from that point of view it strikes me as a very misogynistic word. I mean if I close a door on my hand I might turn the air blue with"fucks" but in what context would anyone be so angry they would use "whore"?

"Bitch" is awful, whether used by a man or a woman.

powershowerforanhour · 14/12/2018 22:37

How does he speak about/ treat his mum?