Sex!

[Whyislarryhappy]

So my dp and I were chatting about all of things and he said (not aimed at me just passing comments ect) "just because you go back to someone's house you don't have to sleep with the person, and just because you don't say yes or no doesn't mean you have to"
Obviously I agree with this.
So I say "yes but its the same if you with a partner and they ask for sex you don't have to"
His reply 'yes but don't confuse it or complicate it"
My response "so obviously if you ask your partner for sex and they say no and you're persistent doesn't give them the right to just change their mind and feel like they have to"
Him "that's different. You expect to sleep with your partner no matter what"

Annoyed! I wouldn't want to be forced and I'm sure no man or woman would either!

Does he know marital rape is illegal? Pestering your partner after they have said no so much that they give in is rape.

If your partner thinks he is a good guy then he is kidding himself.

So do you think he is a good guy?

I honestly now think he is just not clued up with the definition of rape.
He has never been forceful, demanding or pestered me for sex so I can say he is a good guy, however, his words say otherwise

Disgraceful comments IMHO, but as a recent Guardian survey showed recently, he’s not alone in such views

Rape within marriage is a relatively recent offence but even without it actually being rape, it's scary that guys think they can ignore our boundaries like that when we're supposed to be in a loving relationship.

Men NAMALT seem to be fairly dense about the difference between sex being a normal part of a healthy relationship and having an expectation that it will occur at some point... and women having to have sex now because their husband wants it. Those are two extremely different things.

I'd be horrified TBH.

I don‘t know. If you have been a couple for a long time and it was never an issue, it may very well be that he understands it in his ‚gut‘, even though he does not agree with his head, when spelled out.
I‘ll always go with ‚‘actions speak louder than words‘ - especially (but not only) when it comes to men.

I'd be extremely concerned. I wouldn't want to be with a man that vocalised those views so easily to his partner tbh.

I suspect that many women, on occasion, have sex with long term partners when they don't really feel like it - and put it down to 'taking one for the team'. I've had conversations with friends about this many times. Maybe some men do as well - I don't know.

But to have an expectation from your partner like this? No.

I'm not sure what he really meant. He said, "You expect to sleep with your partner no matter what", but did he mean on any particular occasion that your partner wants to, or over the long term, in general? Most couples expect sex to be part of their relationship (at least, starting that way when they're young) and if one of them no longer wants to do it, it could be a fundamental change. If that happens, I think a person would be entitled to say, "You never seem to be in the mood any more." On the other hand, nobody should have to face a demand like, "I want sex NOW".

As for taking one for the team, the answer traditionally was "Just close your eyes, my dear, and think of England."

I'd be extremely concerned. I wouldn't want to be with a man that vocalised those views so easily to his partner tbh.

Yeah. He's lucky he is in a relationship already.

If I hear something like this from a man I am on a date with, I end things. I don't wait to see whether he's just talking or is willing to rape me.

This is the kind of thing we need to be of concerned about because not enough people are educated about this type of issue. No matter what no means no. Even if you consent to it then half way through you ask the person to stop and they don't it is considered rape. It's the same as this (which I didn't even know about until 2 years ago) but If you wake your partner up by giving them oral sex or touching them in Intimte places that also is considered as sexual assault because the person wasn't aware and couldn't give consent. There's so many different angles to this type of situation that isn't spoken about enough. Such a shame

I think we are in danger of conflating certain different issues at play. A seemingly good chap (according to OP) who has apparently always acted in the right way vocalised his support for no means no. I don’t see him being unreasonable here, he at no point was supportive of rape or pressuring anyone into sex, let’s save our vitriol for those who deserve it shall we? There are enough of them out there so I suspect we won’t have to wait long

What vitriol??

HirooOnoda
The point I'm making is that more people need to be educated on the boundaries in this issue. It's wrong for someone to think that just because they're in a relationship with the person that they expect to sleep with their partner no matter what. It's just more learning and educating that needs to happen for people who share that similar view

Are you sure he wasn't talking about the expectation?. As in, you can generally assume you'll have sex with your partner, whilst you can't with a date - which is a very different statement from saying you wouldn't stop if somebody asked you to.

Yeah, considering his ‚history‘ as a decent partner, I think it was a kneejerk reaction, possibly because he took it personally rather than rationally (‚what, you‘d equate me with a date rapist if I tried to persuade you to have sex?‘ which of course nobody said. Might still have been what he heard).