Blamed and parenting classes

[incallthebloodytime]

I don't really know where to post or what to do but I suspect I'm not alone

I left an abusive relationship that was impacting on both me but also my male child badly

I have been trying to access support for my child who really needs something in the way of support

I'm getting nowhere with CAMHS etc

And I'm offered parenting classes (?!)

Now whilst I have nothing against parenting classes and have in fact volunteered myself and attended several

It's not my parenting that caused the problems in the first place. It's the abusive man who caused them

I can take responsibility that I should have left sooner but it's taken 5 years really of leaving. It just wasn't that easy to leave and 5 years after I began I'm finally hopeful the end may really be in sight of this man leaving me alone. 5 years of trying to be free, trying to move on, trying to heal

But it's my fault. What happened to my son is my fault. The blame is not placed on the man but on me. I may have parenting classes.

I'm really fucked off.

Men aren't told to go on parenting classes until they are at the point of having to fight in court to see their children once we flee and discover we actually have a right to boundaries

Where are the letters to him telling him that they suggest parenting classes? Where have they been?

All through it I've been told... leave, do this, do that... and I've done it.

But never has he been told to stop being abusive, stop harassing, (well unless I first went to somebody like the police etc and asked them) stop refusing to parent

Women seek help... and are blamed

It adds insult to injury, doesn't it.
If we want women to leave (and I think we should) then as a society we have to provide practical support and resources; and do something about the men who wont leave them alone.

It does add insult to injury

I have the job of distracting myself from MN now and reorganising my home so my son doesn't notice that his father has sent all the posessions he ever had when he did used to sometimes bother with him

His father has cut him off

I have the responsibility of protecting my son from noticing how cruel his father is that when he finally clicks that I have boundaries and I've learned to keep them... he doesn't want his son in his life

But you know... I can go on parenting classes, that will solve it!

Worst part is I have an adorable little boy in a lot of emotional pain who I know without help will grow up and be an abuser or suffer severe problems himself.

I'm sick with worry that he is so angry and the shit he has learned from his father.

It's one thing to have a primary school child hit and kick you, it will be another with no help when he's as big and strong as me.

Cheers CAMHS.

Good God, in Switzerland children get sent to children psychiatrists by teachers for not calculating fast enough (my sister works there, so I know). Surely there must be psychological support in the UK for children who show signs of troubling behaviour (like the kicking you describe, for example), even more so, when there are risk factors (like growing up with an abusive parent, separation...)?

Can the school refer for counselling? Or have you already tried that?

I really should stop distracting with mumsnet. He's at a club hence the ability and kind neighbor will have him after to give me some time to finish unpacking and hiding this lot.

I have asked so many times. And yes there IS support... but to get it is like drawing blood from a stone

Factors like the fact his father was abusive are ignored and it's simply down to my parenting... I've done several classes. Fantastic courses. But they don't change what he feels and what he's witnessed and learnt

I get labelled overanxious and told he will grow out of it

Or I can sit and chat to family support workers who do puzzles with him and tea with me and are lovely but not what we bloody need

And I'm told how resilient he is. Great 👍 what you're not hearing is that he NEEDS support. That all the praise in the world and ten minute attention slots etc don't change the angry little boy who still thinks it's okay to kick and hit mummy because his father taught him mummy is stupid and wrong and to blame for everything

What they don't see is a child who has been taught by an adult he loved that some things that are NOT okay... are acceptable

Or a child who cannot regulate his emotions and shakes and sobs but won't let me near him to comfort him because mummy isn't any good

Some days I am good enough. But I can't undo this alone

School are trying to help... they're actually very good... my only support really other than anonymous posts on MN and a friend here or there I've met on the freedom programme. You lose everyone else though

I am so sorry you are having this fight it is so wrong and unfair

I'm so sorry you are not getting the support you should.

However, you can be his support and his therapist, but it is bloody hard. Look into therapeutic parenting. You may even be able to get them to fund a course for you instead of just a parenting class.

Women’s Aid have children and young person’s workers. They work with children and help build up understanding of to deal with the emotions caused by separation after abuse. If your local WA cannot help you, they will put you in touch with someone who can. For example, CEDAR which is children experiencing domestic abuse recovery.

I am sorry I have only read your post quickly, so I do not know if you have tried this already. It is a dreadfully hard situation to be in, but it gets better

Here is the link for the Cedar Network
Cedar

Thank you that's really helpful to know. I did have a DV support worker who was fab but to be fair I was concentrating on CAMHS with my son so I may not have even asked her 🙈

I will look up therapeutic parenting too! Thank you!

I've moaned about my situation but I think really I posted here because it's absolutely shit that men cause things like this and women are blamed for it!

As much as I've heard "it's not your fault" from DV services, this parenting classes suggestion really pissed me off!

SO sorry you're dealing with this CAMHS are fucking useless and will offer parenting classes as a way to a) save money and b) pass the buck. MH care in this country should be a source of national shame, IMHO.

Oh I know. Social work were only concerned whether I was protecting DC, they never even spoke to abusive ex. Long enough file on me though, as resident parent.

I did not ever go to a parenting class although this may have also been suggested, I forget now, we did get support from the DV services which work with children though.

But yes, I hear you

Should have added that I asked WA about this as I knew they had helped a friend who had DC which needed support, there was a short wait time as they were between staff but it was fairly straightforward to access.

I completely agree that your abusive ex is to blame. But I think there comes a point where you need to stop focusing on what caused your son’s problems, and start looking at ways to heal both your son and you.
Yes, your son has learned to disrespect you and hit you, from his dad.
But with help - which may include parenting classes, therapy or counselling - you can be taught how to establish strong healthy boundaries, how to be the adult and take control of your relationship with your son, how to make him feel secure within your rules and how to teach him respect and trust for you and how to give and receive love.
It will be hard work to unpick all the bad role modelling from your ex, and you need support to keep your own self esteem and confidence up while you “retrain” your son in normal family life.
You sound strong and insightful, OP, and I’m sure you can do this. It will take time and be tough at first, but grab all the help that’s offered. Even those parenting classes!
Sending you a hug, and my best wishes and prayers that you and your son come through this and build a happy loving bond for the future.

Thank you all.

Babdoc... I've done the parenting classes. Several times. Off my own back. It's not quite the solution.

The therapy and counselling I've been trying to access... I can get it for me, but not for him (or us together) just offers of parenting classes.

And yes KataraJean I hear you too... long file on me too and it really stinks that the men don't even get spoken to 💐

How far out the other side are you? WA worked with my DC separately and me for about a year. One of the things the children and young person’s worker said was that we had to rebuild ourselves as the family unit (me and DC). It is very hard when you have been abused as you still think in reference to the abuser (who is now absent day to day). I think it is telling that you mention counselling for your ex, that is not your responsibility.

I want to strongly say that it is not your parenting which is the issue here. The ‘bad mother’ trope is used by abusers (or at least my ex used it all the way to court and back), whereas you are the one who is doing all the day to day work and picking up the emotional pieces. That is an enormous challenge as a parent and it is an additional burden to have the implication it is somehow your parenting at fault. Therapeutic parenting classes I could get on board with, but generic parenting, where you have tried all that and it does not work because of the complex circumstances, that would make things worse. It is being offered as a sticking plaster because services are underfunded.

One of my friends accessed play therapy for her DS who had an attachment disorder and that helped him. So that may also be worth thinking of.

Sorry not meaning for my ex meaning for my DS

It's actually been a few years since it was meant to be over but it's never quite so smooth is it? They find a way of dragging you through stuff with all the ends to tie up (contact/divorce and so on) 5 years since I began trying... I'm nearly there

I know it's not my parenting at fault... which is why it's so sickening to be told to do classes... up to now, there's been another parent involved with him, an abuser who weaponised DS against me. Makes me mad that all the time you're running around to people saying this is happening to my kid... nobody sends them letters about parenting classes, or meetings etc when actually they're the ones who really need to learn what damage they're doing to their own DC. Us mothers already know!

Sorry you're going through this and not getting enough help. I've been through similar with my DD; behaviour issues as a result of her dad being abusive to me plus attachment issues from our custody arrangement when she was very little. Although it was his fault she had her issues, the only way to help her was to change my parenting so I can see why they are suggesting parenting classes but I don't think a generic class is the right approach. I changed my parenting style with the help of a child psychologist who met regularly with me and DD - it's the individualised approach that is needed I think because each child that has been through such trauma is going to have their own reactions and coping methods and the approach has to be tailored to that.

The other thing that really helped was when pretty much all contact (except for the occasional phone call) was stopped but it did take time because at first that made things worse but then they slowly improved.

I'm sorry I don't have any further help to offer, OP. Just wanted to offer virtual support. You're being badly served and it's not your fault. Best wishes to you and your son.

Thank you, yes I absolutely have to adapt my parenting because of the circumstances

It just fucks me off that the assumption is my parenting isn't good enough. Mine was fairly good considering the circumstances... whereas the mans was absolutely shit and undid much of mine. Without the man... mine didn't seem too far off the things I learned in parenting classes I did anyhow

Nearly went down the road of a diagnosis at one point. It would have been a lie though... there's no diagnosis just an abused child who the effects of abuse can mimic some diagnosis'

There can still be a diagnosis, trauma can cause diagnosable issues (DD got a tentative diagnosis but we couldn't carry on seeing the psychiatrist to get a proper one because her dad withdrew consent). Maybe getting a diagnosis might get you better help? Or at least stop people from implying that you are to blame.

Much strength to you, I hope things turn around for you and your son soon.

My situation isn't quite the same but parenting classes were 'prescribed' for me to help my dd with her meltdowns. I didn't push the issue or go to any in the end.
What has helped her is one-to-one support from a school nurse and an ELSA assistant at school. I could parenting class until I'm blue in the face and it wouldn't have helped. natsku is right about the individualised support that helps. probably costs less in the long term too.

I remember women's aid told me to change my mobile number so my XP couldn't pester me. I refused. I wasn't going to be further inconvenienced by his behaviour.

op and for your son.

Could you find out if there's any where or body who could offer play therapy for your son? Some is done together.

OP,

You have raised issues here that feature regularly in my work.

With regards to being 'prescribed' parenting classes, I agree with you. This is a common theme throughout mothers that are on the radar of services.

Within the CJS - women and mothers are often 'taught' how to thinK and readjust their thinking patterns. Thinking Skills courses were often used in women's prisons. What these courses were suggesting were that women's thinking was somehow 'faulty' and this needed to be 'corrected'

It's not too dissimilar to the prescribed parenting classes of which I know and work with many Mothers that are almost coerced into attending these. As though their parenting skills need to be 'corrected'

My analysis of the impact on such 'classes' is that often mothers feel as you have described.

It's a weak system of support and while these classes may well be excellent, it's a short-term response doesn't address a long-term need. The effects and impact of abuse on children. Parenting classes are doing nothing for your child at this moment in time. I agree with a PP, you're going to have to take your own counsel on this one.

What is evident is a huge gap in the provision of services for children.

But certainly, you've raised some valid and arguable issues.