How do you cope with the hate?

[cherryontop00]

I usually post on tumblr rather than mumsnet but I hope people don't mind me posting here. I wanted advice from people who are older and probably know better than people my age (late teens).

For the most part, what I read doesn't bother me, but sometimes things get stuck in my head and I can't shake them off. I've read that "lesbians are just broken transmen" and that's stuck in my head and made me wonder if there's something wrong with me. I've been called 'creepy' and 'gross' for saying I wouldn't have sex with anyone with a penis. There's a post going around saying that same-sex attraction is disgusting (because it's transphobic) and that hurts me too. Then there's countless posts calling lesbians creepy vagina fetishists and that really gets to me because even though I know there's nothing wrong with being attracted to women, I really struggle already with feeling predatory or creepy in general when I'm around my crushes and to know then thousands of people genuinely believe I am a creep because I only like women makes it even harder for me to accept that I'm gay and that it's okay to be gay. People (on tumblr) act like the biggest crime is not having sex with a man and sometimes it makes me feel like there's something really really wrong with me because I'm not attracted to men at all.

Then, I also don't understand why radfems/terfs are hated so much. Again, for the most part it doesn't bother me (well, it bothers me that people talk so violently about hurting 'terfs', but it doesn't usually bother me on a personal level), but the other day someone called radfems "scum of the earth" and that's stuck with me. Why would you call someone who believes women don't have penises the scum of the earth, when there's rapists and murderers and abusers out there? There's people who bend over backwards to defend bdsm and prostitution, but the minute you say you don't support porn they act like you're the worst person on earth and tell you to kill yourself.

This is a vent more than actual feminist discussion, but I'm hoping someone has some advice. If I don't read anything then I don't get upset like this, but I think it's important to be in the loop with everything that's happening (+ I think it's important to read what TRAs have to say because I think it's important to hear both sides of the argument), so I don't want to just stop reading forums.

OP it’s not you it’s them. They get off on the knowledge their words hurt and demean. So I’d suggest you stop feeding their needs by interacting with their bs.
Also people tend to be more extreme and outlandish online than in real life, I’ve been amazed to meet some rather kittenish people IRL who were depressingly hateful online.

I’m in my mid fifties. I used to go on marches for gay rights before it was remotely ‘acceptable’. I’ve seen everyday sexism as a young woman and a middle aged woman. I’ve seen the cultural shift such that the sort of sexism visible in the 70s does not happen today. Yet there is STILL sexual harassment, and assault. And now, the attack on lesbians and women in general by the extreme trans ideology. All it is is the same old misogyny and homophobia dished up in a woke, lefty presentation so it brings in the academics, it brings in youth culture and it grooms.
Other posters have given good advice. Well done for questioning what you are seeing. Find yourself a healthier network. There are so many who find all this disturbing.

it really is them not you that is wrong.The idea of lesbians being somehow broken transmen is abusive and homophobic. There is nothing creepy about being attracted to another woman.

Women's bodies are strong & soft & beautiful & awesome and the thought of mutilating them to try and mimic a man is horrific.

Stop allowing them to make you feel you owe them something. You don’t. You don’t need to listen to them, or understand them, or compensate for their inadequacy. You are not responsible for them or their problems and there is absolutely no need for you to engage with them. In real life, when you deal with people face to face, your instincts often tell you who to avoid. I think online we often switch off those instincts because we feel we need to be open minded, but those instincts are there to keep you safe and comfortable. The people saying this to you are likely creepy weird fuckers or bullies or both, and you’d cross the road to avoid them in real life without a second thought. There are loads of proper feminist women’s groups out there- online and increasingly reaching out into the real world now. Find those and stay away from the TRAs. There’s nothing wrong with you, so stay away from people who say there is.

I hope the OP read the responses even if they didn’t feel able to post again.

Hi all, sorry for not replying sooner. Thank you for your messages. I've been reading everything but was working out how to reply.

I do browse here and on r/gendercritical and r/truelesbians pretty regularly, but I like tumblr as a platform much more than anything forum-based so I'd rather not leave. I don't actively seek out TRA blogs or posts, I mostly follow other radfems, but sometimes posts appear on my dash of radfems debating TRAs or they post receipts, like this (66.media.tumblr.com/f04f74d2788e66af1d6857d99cca1b57/tumblr_pj63hego0V1w3ryav_540.jpg - I know someone asked for links). I'll have a look at afterellen though. I'm not in any real life groups or anything, I would like to be but I'm kind of scared to do anything in real life and those groups seem to mostly be older women and I don't know if I'd fit in.

@CottonTailRabbit, you're right that it's a form of self-harm, but it's the least harmful form I know. Ideally I wouldn't feel the need to punish myself for being gay, and I hope one day I'll accept myself more, but I'm not at that point yet and reading what TRAs have to say is so much better than the other things I could do/have done to myself.

66.media.tumblr.com/e5f6b9a2ad0e68edc0c88dca5a186273/tumblr_inline_pfw667VAqB1v575ry_540.png another link for the person who asked

also this 66.media.tumblr.com/e028ca9966b27bad4d8649da443a0d13/tumblr_pj6nd3HTlp1w3ryav_540.jpg

I don't think anyone should take that idiot boy in that link seriously. Transphobic is a completely meaningless word now.

Tell them to fuck off.

cherryontop00 Dr Julia Long's lecture worth watching:
'Transgenderism & Lesbian Erasure'

Have you seen Nanette by Hannah Gadsby?
www.theguardian.com/stage/2018/jul/16/hannah-gadsby-trauma-comedy-nanette-standup-netflix