Dd has 'come out'

[JellySlice]

She has asked me to call her by a new androgynous name, similar to her nickname, and to use they/them. It's not entirely clear to me what she has 'come out' as, possibly agender.

I agreed to try and use her preferred name, but said that I could not use the neuter pronouns, which she accepted.

She's just a teen who is slower than average to develop feelings of sexuality. She's probably on the autistic spectrum. She's a normal, emotional-rollercoaster, half-grown-up-half-child, confused teenager. But everyone has to have a label. The only way you can belong is if you have An Identity. You cannot just be.

She's classic trans-ideology fodder.

One more thing to worry about.

I’m sorry OP for what is almost certainly going to be a difficult time for both you and your daughter. If you haven’t already, have a look at transgendertrend website, there’s lots of useful advice on there. Who are her heroes? Who does she admire? How much of an online “life” does she have? Offer her love and support as you would with anything else, but ask her (gently) to explore why she feels as does. Why can’t she just be herself, without a label? Help her to understand that many women are gender non conforming and many of us do not have a gender identity or accept that woman=certain behaviours, likes and dislikes. We are women because we have female anatomy (presumably as does she) and that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. And nothing that stops her being or doing anything she wants with her life.

How old is she? Does she spend a lot of time on the Internet?

Unfortunately trans is very trendy, a huge craze right now. Just nod along and say "ok whatever." Don't take it seriously and do not encouraged a medicalisation pathway.

Obviously the whole "preferred pronouns" will be annoying but just go along with it for the time being. Have a chat about the increase in TransTrenders.

I'm sorry you, like many others, are having this challenge with your daughter JellySlice but my gut feeling is that those 'coming out' now will be ok.

This fad is being exposed so rapidly that in a few months it will no longer be cool and everyone will scramble to distance themselves from this craziness.

Who is still on Minecraft or playing with their fidget spinners?

I'm in a similar situation. Autistic girls don't relate to the pink princessy stuff that's everywhere at the moment. Plus they're lonely.

We have support workers and my concern is not so much that dd would want to transition but that one of her support workers might get a bit 'woke' and try and encourage her.

Yeah, one more thing to worry about. I'm sorry it has come your way and your DD.
Be very strict with any 'allies' around dd. Many outstepped the line with mine to undermine us as parents. My DD was given a binder @15 by a youth club worker without consultation. Signed papers to change her name @16 and printed all paperwork to request referral to GIDS @17. Not sure how far out of the craze we are now. I'm scared to ask dd what's going on now in her early adult years.
Transgendertrend, gendercriticalresources and 4thwave were such a help to me.
Best wishes for the future.

I think you’ve taken a very sensible line that doesn’t buy into any falsehoods but allows her to make a change (what she’s called) that gives her comfort.

She’s very lucky to have you as her mum!

I didn't use the new name. I did use a less feminine shortened version of her actual name. I refused pronouns changes.

She still talks to me.

Gah good luck @JellySlice

My son is young (10) but so intrigued by it. He's always dressed up in girls clothes and been beautifully effeminate.

Recently I've been explicitly talking about the trans issue as he is clearly taken with the idea (bloody talk at primary school, don't get me started ...), and I've sad how sad it is that people think they can't be boys who like 'girl things' and vice versa. Bigged up how brilliant he is and how much better it is to but fall down the gender rabbit hole.

Lily Maynard on 4th wave now is inspiring on this. She removed her daughters Internet and was able to really focus on her.

I hope this doesn't sound trite, other peoples experiences are but the same as yours and IDK what will help with your daughter obviously but hope that you can get through to her that she can be wonderfully androgynous and still actually a female.

Hope your daughter gets better soon.

I'd recommend to let her socialise with other autistic-spectrum girls, but that might backfire if they aren't radfems so, really, I have no idea.

Oh this sounds so hard, I don't know how I would handle it personally 💐

So many girls on the spectrum! I hope we can win the voice in making it clear you can be exactly the way you are born, present yourself exactly the way you wish and it is okay if that doesn't conform to stupid gender stereotypes. I hate the idea that you must reject or change the body you have if you don't conform to them.

Be very strict with any 'allies' around dd. Many outstepped the line with mine to undermine us as parents.

I'm hopeful WRT to school, because I asked about a friend of hers who experimented with being a boy a couple of years ago. Apparently the school aren't supportive. They still use X's 'girl-name', and don't really acknowledge X as a boy. "Some teachers are cool with it."

In my view the girl has been trying on different 'selves', in a very normal teenage way, most recently presenting in retro 50s/borderline goth style, very edgy, very feminine. In dd's view 'they' are still trans, severely bullied by their family if they do not wear makeup and feminine clothes. I mentioned that, in recent choir performances away from school, where there was nobody to criticise or judge, X chose to wear dresses, bright makeup and styled hair, rather than trousers, no makeup and plain hair.

I pointed out that being non-binary meant that dd could enjoy both her femininity and her masculinity, so she did not need to reject either.

I've got no experience of this Jellyslice so nothing helpful to add, but just wanted to say it sounds like you're dealing with it brilliantly