Empowering Women & Girls to say No

[GreenHats]

Subject says it all really, Throughout my life people have had a problem with me saying No because I'm a woman.

I want to be able to say 'No I'm not going to have sex with you' and be listened to.

I want to be able to say 'No I'm not going to do the difficult work in the background and let you get the praise for it' and be listened to

I want to be able to say 'No I'm not clearing up the dishes after dinner everyone must help' and be listened to

I want to be able to say 'No I'm not going to get undressed in front of a man' and be listened to

I want to be able to say 'No that space is designated for women for our safety and you're not a woman' and be listened to

I want to be able to say 'No' and for that to be a sentence in itself.

And I want other women and girls to be empowered to do the same. And when I ask is this too much to ask for ? I want the answer to be a resounding NO it is not too much to ask for.

I agree. I spent so much of my youth being ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ and it’s taken a lot for me to be more assertive.

I don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling the same. We already have very clear rules that if she says ‘no’ to a game or tickling, we stop. If she doesn’t want to kiss or hug a relative, that’s fine. It’s so important for her to have bodily autonomy or feel that she doesn’t have to be ‘nice’ to someone making her feel uncomfortable.

Don't be silly Racecardriver. Women have been assaulted and murdered for saying 'no' and its been reported in the press so there's no excuse for being goady.

2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

Racecardriver I suspect you are being deliberately goady there, read what I said
I want to be able to say 'No...' and be listened to

I liked the idea I came across on here of testing how someone reacts if you say 'No' to them about something trivial.

Absolutely.
Feminists have been doing a pretty good job of debunking the "No means yes!" rape myth over recent years, but this issue of having the right to refuse is pivotal for feminism and women's rights.

The chant "whatever we wear, where ever we go, yes means yes and no means no!" was adapted by second wavers (I can't remember what documentary I saw it on) to "no means no means no means no!".

Girls & women have to stop pandering to WATM NAM fellas with the unnecessary 'yes means yes' bit.

The crucial message is "no means no!".

And not just sexually, in all areas of life.

We feminists need to work hard to create conditions where it is safe for all women and girls to say no.

We feminists need to work hard to create conditions where it is safe for all women and girls to say no.

I see this as the first step - ideally, in many cases we want men (and many women) to stop asking the questions in the first place.

I want my MiL to ask my DH what the kids want for Christmas, rather than default to "it's kid's stuff, so that means the mother must take on the task".

I want teen girls to feel able to say no to requests for nude pictures, but I'd rather that teen boys didn't feel it was OK to pressurize girls for the pictures in the first place

I want all work places to stop putting all the shit work onto female employees but heap the man who presents the proposals with loads of praise (and promotions)

I know, I'm feeling very optimistic this Friday! Maybe I've still got some vestiges of the #ManFriday campaign swirling around in my head

I want men (and some women) to respect my right to say no to sharing my body with anyone ever again. Especially as I’m not even talking about them. Ffs!

Utterly agree.

Another one here who has only just started saying 'no' to shit. You know what? I ain't doing that. I'm 30 fucking 6 and I don't need to put up with this shit.

I am teaching DD to say no : she's not yet 2 but by God she's gonna be a little fireball.

These coquetteish pictures on face fuck /social media of these little girls preened to perfection in prissy dresses drives me up the wall : they are being taught to be docile, coerced and overall look pretty.

It's not just me either : it's other women too. Who perhaps aren't as confi9, educated. That's not a stealth boast, that's objective.

I was brought up in a family that valued equality, education and bodily autonomy

Oops, meant to add and I still have trouble saying no!

Confi9 = confident

Agree. It is important we instil this young.

My younger DD (2yo) loves to say no!

My 7yo worries about being rude. I find the balance hard. There is a boy in her class who likes her, he follows her everywhere and watches her working/playing, writes her name on things. I'm sure he's just a sweet boy who likes her and isn't very social skilled yet, but it annoys her. I have told her it's fine to tell him to go away, but she has tried this and worries it is rude to keep saying it. I want her to learn that sometimes it is ok to be rude, but of course don't want to be too hard on another 7yo, who may have additional needs for all I know. Hard one.

It's hard thing to achieve because as halfwitpicker says, girls are taught to be docile, be obedient, please everyone - and too many men (and women) continue to regard that as how the world should be. It takes a ridiculous amount of resolve to stop saying yes to quite ordinary things - an unwanted invitation, requests for participation on committees. We also need to teach both girls and boys that everyone has the right to say no - and that "No" means exactly that.

It would be interesting to have a Hollywood film to answer "The Yes Man" called "The No Woman"... exploring all the interesting places she would end up if she said no to everything. ...

It also means teaching girls from an early age the practical strategies of how to stand up to someone being upset or angry about their no, trying to appeal to guilt or shame or to them to be the 'bigger person' (which often means doormat), or recognising when someone responds to no as the starting point for negotiation.

Girls and women need to be able to see someone pushing their boundaries and call it straight out for the unacceptable behaviour it is, and it needs to become socially unacceptable to do it.

I wish that I could go back to being in a bubble, it’s true ignorance is bliss. I’m sorry for my rambling I just need to dumb my crap somewhere, I just want to scream. Feel broken all over again. I’m sick of being broken. I want to be angry at someone but I’m angry at myself. If I stuck to my bubble then none of the shit I suppressed would all come back.

I refuse to be a victim, I hate self pity got no time for that shit. I just need to offload. I’m sorry. Trying to make sense of stuff.

All my fucking life I’ve been abused, because I’ve never been taught no. That it’s ok to say NO. That I don’t have to tolerate it.

At 15years old my classmate attempted to rape me, I remember that night in October 1988 to exactly what I was wearing, to him putting my hand over my mouth telling me to just stop screaming, I remember the bruises, the walk home, I can still remember the wet mud on my legs, I remember how it effected me at school after. I can’t remember how I broke free. To this day I have never told a sole.

It got me thinking why and that was because I never knew about abuse, I never knew what was wrong on right, otherwise I would of understood that at age 11 I was being abused by at 23yr old and it wasn’t that he loved me. I not ready to deal with the stuff from when I was 11, I feel broken at the moment as it is and I kind of need to hold onto something at the moment.

Back then I could of told my parents but say what? Nobody has ever taught me no means no, what signs of abuse was or more to the point that I was fucking worth more. I thought I was over my blimp the other day and I was back to being me, independent reliant on no one, plodding through life.

Fuck that one more chance.

I’ve be derailed again another ex rears ugly head and I bitch because I won’t give another chance, because the fucking arsehole mind games and decided to remember his kid this Xmas but using my best friend who being taken in by his shit.

I’m fucked off having to prove myself it’s always fucking abuser that gets another chance. She see this time what bastard he was yet getting sucked in by his bullshit.

I’m sick of picking myself up, Ive never being happier than when I’ve been single which is for 8years just ex rears ugly head whenever suits.

I don’t tolerate anyone giving me abuse anymore but here I am again having to justify myself again.

Tired of all.

Sorry I know this is long rambling. I just need someone to listen but not. I will fix me I always do, I just fed up with it.

Dump not dumb. Apologies my spelling is as bad as me making sense

No need to apologise for offloading.

Emotions so sad to read about how you've been abused and yes if you'd been encouraged to say 'no' and known you'd be supported in setting your boundaries as a child you'd have most likely suffered less.

Don't feel guilty or that you have to justify saying 'no'

I saw this story about Ronaldo. He admits she said no several times but raped her anyway.
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6447649/Ronaldo-admitted-rape-accuser-Kathryn-Mayorga-said-no-multiple-times-apologised-sex.html

He apologised after so that's OK then

So many people teach their daughters to be nice & compliant. I have a colleague, known to be mouthy & never slow to tell someone they are out of order. She has a dd age 12. She told us the dd went on a date to Mcdonald's with a boy from school. When colleague picked her up she asked how it had gone. DD told her it was OK but boy was very shy & she didn't like him much. He wanted to go out again but she wasn't keen. Colleague persuaded her dd to give the boy another chance

It just seemed wrong to me. I have a dd 13. I would never encourage her to date someone she didn't like. Luckily she has not quite reached that stage yet. I'm trying to teach her to respect herself, listen to her instincts and not be pressured into anything she is uncomfortable with. It's so hard but hopefully I am getting the message across. Her 2 brothers are getting the same chat. I just wish other parents would put some thought into what they are teaching their kids.

DD does not need to give boy another chance. DD needs an adult figure in her life who will tell her so as unambiguously as possible (so no "well you could tell him no, but...").

hope you're ok emotions

Thank you and yes failingatlife I’m ok, everything will be good again, think just having a wobbly month, old habits creep in shut down & distance myself whilst I understand stuff but this apparently makes me psycho on one (means I’m disappointing others) Funny how easy they forget the bastard that had hand in that, maybe I should use that to my advantage with next reared ugly head bastard to just say no fuckoff.... but I won’t not until I learnt to stop justifying everything again & again.

I don’t blame my parents for way I am, same upbringing as siblings and one heartless sell u for a £5. Parents would be devastated if they knew & it wouldn’t serve any purpose. I don’t want to excuses for way am way am, just for me to understand.

On paper my life looks one pile of shit storm after another but it has had good times & usually quite happy.

I know I say too much online, in life I’m very closed book but it’s because kind of feels safe that I can slip out unknown (I know, I know but I holding onto that thought)

Failingatlife, that’s a very sad name... So long as you trying no matter how small or results you can’t fail. (That’s what I tell me & drum into kids)

Sorry waffling again.

I read that about Ronaldo

The footballer's team of lawyers silenced Mayorga with an out-of-court settlement of $350,000 (£266,000) - but they insist the payment doesn't prove his guilt.

Doesn’t prove guilt... well I can’t think of anything else says.