Daughters and their Boyfriends.

[PandorasBag]

My 21 year old has been in two relationships - both with 'decent' young men.

However, on each occasion they have reacted badly to her ending the relationship. Obviously it's not easy to be finished with, but in each case my daughter has done her best to explain why it's not working.

Boyfriend 1 wasn't giving her enough emotional space. He'd want to talk to her when she was trying to read and assumed that they would be together in the longterm.

He didn't react well. He was just a bit nasty for a while and said that he didn't have closure, though has now calmed down.

Boyfriend 2 recently 'shut down' and broke off communication when he'd been turned down for a job. He also failed to offer any support when my daughter's grandfather - my father-in-law died. This made my daughter realise that the relationship had run his course and when they broke up she spent several hours trying to make him see why this had been hurtful and difficult. It seemed as if the support was all one way.

But - guess what - Boyfriend 2 is refusing to accept this. He has decided that my daughter must have lost her mental balance as a result of bereavement and is telling everybody this, so now mutual friends are getting in touch to say 'Boyfriend 2 says you're really unwell at the moment.'

I am really pissed off at the moment and want to throttle Boyfriend 2.

Has anyone else been through something similiar?

Your poor daughter having to facilitate men's lack of social skills.

I hope she is answering "I am perfectly well, though I am questioning the mental state of Boyfriend 2 and his reluctance to accept that I no longer wish to be in a relationship with him."

I haven't experienced this yet but dread what will happen when my daughter starts dating. My own experience has led me to believe that a huge percentage of men are emotionally crippled.

Your daughter has to stop facilitating these men. She has finished with them nicely, explained herself. That is more than enough. Time now to block them & not engage any further. There’s no point.

I don't think this is just a man thing is it? I mean obviously not as I don't think things are man/woman things...

Anyway, breaking up is hard. This is why most people make a clean break.

If they had broken up with her when she was thinking it was a long term committed relationship, how do you think she would react?

Daughter has agreed to Boyfriend 2's request that they speak again - via Facetime or somesuch this weekend, so that he can 'understand'.

I very much hope this will be the end of it.

Your daughter doesn't need to justify her decision. This can be a very difficult thing to grasp when you are young and don't want to hurt people's feelings.

She needs a new way of looking at what those boyfriends are doing. Their attempts to discuss the end of a relationship is really a ploy to persuade her and pressurise her into reversing her decision. It is manipulative and it is disrespecful. In fact, the more that she engages with them the more they will twist her words. The more she stands firm, the more angry they will become with the perceived 'rejection'.

It is best to say something simple and final and walk away. When they pester, cling and demand more attention she'll know that she is being played and treated with disrespect.

Well yes, I know that Pam. But I can't tell her what to do.

I think her instincts are sound, however and if Boyfriend 2 doesn't get the point he will only succeed in driving a bigger wedge between them.

Mutual friends are also likely to support her too.

Spouse and I are on (protective) standby...

Perhaps it's more a generational thing as my Son has split with two girlfriends and neither would accept it, both tried to pressurise him to stay and then both turned a bit nasty /spread rumours when he wouldn't change his mind.

"I don't think this is just a man thing is it? I mean obviously not as I don't think things are man/woman things..."

Considering that there's lots of men who murder women who break up with them, and the worst I heard of women doing is damaging the ex-boyfriends car ... I do think it is a man-thing.

You'll find girls and women reacting badly to a man breaking up with them, but you'll find a lot more boys and men reacting much more extremely.

It's a matter of how entitled you feel to a relationship.

And then there's the fact that men rarely are brave enough to openly say they want to end the relationship. I'm not sure any of my (few) female friends ever was broken up with by a boyfriend.
If a man just behaves as if there is no relationship (and I don't even mean cheating), he can get a woman to make the hard decision for him.