Don't tell me to LTB-I thought I had peak transed him, but no.

[GoldenPomBearBadge]

Anyone got an idea how I can confront this issue with my husband? He is a bastion of male white privilege, but gets upset if I mention it.

He was on the transvestites are my friends thing. He works in the arts and has done for years, so most people aren't very conforming.

He and I have had to agree to disagree on many things but he was slowly climbing the hill. He agrees that he wouldn't want a penis in the changing room or toilet with his mum or daughter.

Both his brother and I are staunch lefties. I was talking to him about the fact I had cut my Labour card up because of the Labour's treatment of women. He hadn't heard of Lily Madigan but said it was fine for a Trans person to be a Women's Officer, and then asked if she had already had the op?

DH has asked me not to talk to his brother about this issue anymore as its very sensitive. DBIL has a male friend who wants to come out as trans but has a wife and children.

Now I am not happy about being told what I can and can't talk about but have agreed that I will just keep the peace.

I said that it was probably awful for the mans wife and that how can he think he is a woman unless he believes in souls? DH is not religious and is very wary of religion. DH said that the man can't help his compulsion and how he feels being trans is just like how a gay person or a paedophile feels-it's a compulsion they can't help

At this point I told him we shouldn't talk anymore and we are both working from home in separate rooms.

I am upset and gobsmaked and don't know what to think anymore. I am not articulate or intelligent enough to have the argument with him but I need to. Any basic pointers would be appreciated.

So...

He thinks that sexuality is just how you are made. Some people are heterosexual and society sees that as okay. Some people are homosexual and society sees that as okay now, but didn't used to, and other societies don't. A heterosexual couldn't change who they desired and nor could a gay person. A paedophile is on the spectrum (?) and that they can't help feeling like that but it is bad so "good ones" don't do anything about it but bad ones do. But they can't change their desires.

I think he does care about his daughter and his mum, I don't know about me at the moment. I suppose he would say he does.

YY, I think he does think the same as Amity and Blanchard. If that is what they think. I've not listened to the talk.

He hadn't heard of Lily Madigan but said it was fine for a Trans person to be a Women's Officer, and then asked if she had already had the op?
I hope you explained that darling LM has not intention of having "the op" and it's a common misperception that males who identify as women actually want to. Something as low as 5% have "the op" (penis inversion) about 20% get fake tits or a facelift the rest are fully male-bodied. I hope he knows this?

Wrt trans being something they can't help, sure. People are who they are. (Like gay or a paedophile ) but identifying as a woman doesn't make you a woman, humans can't change sex. The bottom line is it's fine to be trans but it doesn't mean a person has changed sex or even changed anything about themselves.

It's out of order for him to say what you can or can't say! I just hope you aren't talking at cross purposes, or you're both agreeing but phrasing it all badly.

Where do you want to go from here?

It's out of order for him to say what you can or can't say! I just hope you aren't talking at cross purposes, or you're both agreeing but phrasing it all badly.

It would be easier if that was the case. I think we will talk about it calmly another time.

I do think DH just doesn't want me to talk to DBIL about it at a "family" time. I don't suppose he would care if it we were alone. The whole "don't talk about it" felt so condescending.

I did tell DBIL about LM briefly but the conversation was shut down at that point.

I think maybe DBIL and DH are of the generation, and type of "job" where it was usual to be with transvestites and they are equating old skool with new skool.

Who knows. I am bored of thinking about what he thinks.

It's out of order for him to say what you can or can't say!

A friend recently instructed me to not mention the war because a guest has a 'non-binary' sister - I suppose they should have said sibling.

I still haven't forgiven him. It would have been better to openly clash and cause an akward moment than carry around all this festering resentment.

Paedophiles won't be a single hive mind any more than feminists or trans people, though there are patterns of behaviour. I think it can be said that some paedophiles may feel strong compulsions that they may end up acting on, without condoning or forgiving these heinous actions. If compelled and out of control is how they would describe their own thoughts and feelings, I think it would be foolish and arrogant for us to say "we don't believe you. You just have to help it" only then to find a child has suffered the consequences of when they haven't, and we were warned but did not properly listen. We should step in and help restrain what they cannot. But that to my mind is only to do with prevention, treatment aims and reducing re-offending, and nothing to do with more lenient sentencing or any of that manipulative, minimising shit. Others may make conscious deliberate choices. It depends on the individual and any overlapping conditions.

Though none of that has anything to do with gay people so he is taking out of his arse just to dismiss you OP.

Sounds like he just doesn't want to open his eyes and brain and make his life complicated by having to really think about it. If you can't motivate him to pro-actively and rigorously care about his daughter's future, then I am not sure what can be done. Sadly it seems as though he does not have any respect for your feelings or beliefs. Saying there is a time and a place may be just an easy way to shut you up.

I find too many men put on an act but underneath is the same selfishness and misogyny that other men happily show. It is shit.

Neither of us got much work done today.

We had a long talk about feminism and the issues with self ID. We are on the same page. There were a lot of issues I assumed he knew about and words we were using with different meanings. I think we are clearer now.

That was a frightening moment though. I’ve had some awful experiences with men in the past and I’m constantly worried I’ve got this one wrong too. I might have. Always vigilant.

As for being quiet in front of his brother-it does say more about his brother than if does about me. Family dynamics. A poorly phrased “request” from DH.

If there is a natural opportunity to talk to DBIL about this without all the rest of the family I will.

Solidarity. This bit of your op sprang out to me:
DH said that the man can't help his compulsion and how he feels being trans is just like how a gay person or a paedophile feels-it's a compulsion they can't help
This annoys me. Being a woman is a material reality, not a feeling or a compulsion. I get really frustrated that so many men seemingly have a blind spot about this.
I had a similar argument with STBexH about trans issues and it is infuriating. They cannot seem to appreciate that it is offensive to some women to be told feelings trump reality, yet expect women to be shut up about their own feelings (,such as the wife in your example).

Unfortunately most men seem to be unable to see women as fully people, even somewhat enlightened ones. DP the other day compared prostitution to sweat shop working. Has a total blind spot that a human body isn't s commodity. I was proper

Sounds like he just doesn't want to open his eyes and brain and make his life complicated by having to really think about it. This too!

. Being a woman is a material reality, not a feeling or a compulsion.

Thanks, that’s broken down another issue for me. We will have that conversation too.

I’ve had the horrible realisation recently how much society puts men’s right to orgasm how they wish above absolutely everything else.
Men genuinely believe they are entitled to it. That it’s their right and everyone else’s rights stop at that line.

Nail. Head.