I'm okay with looking 40

[Flamingoose]

I'm turning 40 this week.

My (much, much younger) colleagues have been falling over themselves to assure me that I don't look it (#humblebrag) and that they never would have guessed that I'm 40. And they're meaning to be nice so I say "haha, thanks!"

But actually, I do look 40. I literally am a 40 year old woman and so by definition whatever I look like is what a 40 yr old woman looks like. And when I was their age I would have thought that was a compliment too, but now I'm sort of, a bit thoughtful about the fact that 'looking like a 40 yr old woman' is a bad thing, and it's a supposed compliment to pretend that I don't look 40.

I look in the mirror and I don't look like I did 20 years ago, but I still have eyes and a nose and a mouth and a decent haircut and I like how I look. Crows feet and sun damage and all.

Totally relate! Lovely not being ogled at too

I’m in my 60s. I always smile and say ‘thank you’ when people say I don’t look it because I know it is kindly meant, but one of these days I’m going to ask them why they think it’s such a compliment.

Isn't it something women just say to each other to be nice?

But why is it deemed to be a nice thing to say? It's because women are judged by looks (youthful looks in particular are tied to potential fertility) not by our experience and wisdom.

Old is ten years older than you. I'm 67 but that's not old - I might be old when I get to 77! (But old will be 87 by then!)

Isn't it something women just say to each other to be nice?
Yes I think they do, which is why, as I’ve said, I’m always nice back. But why is it always this particular compliment? They could just as easily say ‘I like your coat / hair /‘ etc or even ‘you look good today’ (if they think I do). But nope, they seem to think the highest compliment they can make about my appearance is that I don’t look my age.

I'm in my 40s and look it, I have grey wisps spread through my hair, and my skin condition fluctuates as I work outside. I also work with lots of colleagues in late teens and 20s.

I'm happy with the age I look, same as you OP I've lived this long and have the experiences of my age. no one comments on how old I look. Although one person a while ago when finding out the ages of my DC did say she didn't think I looked old enough to have teens. I didn't believe her but took it in the way it was meant.

I do look after my skin with decent skin products, because I want my skin to be healthy, as it gets damaged through working outside all day all year.

Happy birthday!

I'm also fine with looking exactly as my genes made me and exactly as many years of life I have.

I get this too - turning forty next year and having given birth for the first time this year am spending a lot of time with new mums 5-10 years younger than me. I try and acknowledge the kindness that is meant but being contrary also think “what’s wrong with looking forty?”.

On the other hand I’ve said similar things to women ten years older than me (having perhaps internalised what singlenotsingle says about old being ten years older than you!). What I mean is that they look great, but why do I even feel the need to compliment them on their appearance?

I'm happy at forty, too. I'm fitter, stronger and far more capable than I was in my twenties. Actually I'm surprised at how little I did to take care of my body between 20-35, despite having been a sporty teen. These days I do look after myself more as I appear to come from a long-lived line.

The only thing it's taken me time to come to terms with is my hair, which is long, thick, wilful and always something I loved. I absolutely hate going to the hairdresser as I don't like to sit still and make small talk, so dyeing away the badger stripes that appeared at 37 started to become intolerable and I was very resentful for a long time. I swim a lot too, so the dye rarely lasted long and cost me money I'd far rather spend on books.

Then something happened which made me see it in a new light entirely - this silver is a mark of my experience and maturity; if I wasn't my age I wouldn't have been able to step up and deal with an event that took courage, strength and knowledge. So I don't resent it at all now - my silver stripes are meaningful and something to be proud of when I look in the mirror.

What I mean is that they look great, but why do I even feel the need to compliment them on their appearance?
But why wouldn't you compliment them? We don't stop appreciating compliments just because we've turned 50. It's just that sometimes it would be nice to be told 'you look great' instead of 'you look so young', which is clearly a lie, however well intentioned.

Somewhere around age 40 (for women), looking good and looking younger become intertwined and, by the time you're 60, it's nigh on impossible to disentangle them.

I’m 45 and I look great. I’m also very fit - far more than I was in my 20s when I drank and smoked.

I think it is genuine surprise when people find out my age. I agree being 40+ shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing. I don’t get pissed off about it, but I hate it when people say “21 again?” Thinking they’re tactfully drawing a veil over my shameful age. It’s better than being dead.

I am aware of my eyesight getting crapper though and stiffness and aches plus obviously there’s changes inside my body I’m not fully aware of yet. I also have a nearly 5 year old so I’m quite tired.

I try to look after my skin which may not may not help. Aging is t so bad as long as you’re not I’ll or infirm.

I look forward to my 40s, in the same way I looked forward to my 30s.

I'm barely halfway through my life (less, if I'm very lucky). I have a lot I want to do, and I need the age and wisdom to do it.

But why wouldn't you compliment them? We don't stop appreciating compliments just because we've turned 50
I mean I’d always say “you look great” rather than “you don’t look 40/50/60/70” but I suppose it’s not wanting to sound patronising or gauche and not wanting to imply that looking great and looking young are the same thing

Well personally I wouldn't find that in the least bit patronising . But if it feels awkward, a specific compliment e.g. about clothes/hair/shoes etc - feels much more genuine than 'you don't look....' (insert age).

I was always being mistaken for being much younger right up to my mid thirties.

When I turned 40, nobody said I looked younger or looked good for my age, although I felt good in myself.
I seem to have jumped 20 years.

Now, nearly 60, I still feel good, but I don't get any positive feedback from people telling me what age I look, (apart from DH).

Therefore, I conclude I must look my age.
Sigh.

So why the need for the big statement?

I don't care whether I look my age or not. I just want to look happy and healthy b

Star
I love being my age now, just wish I had appreciated looking younger back then.

I’m 44 and think I look my age. I’ve aged loads in the last 4 years (having 4 teenagers will do that to you) so have totally changed the way I eat, drink and exercise to combat that. Especially as all my friends go down the Botox/fillers/$50billion facials route and I’m waaaay too lazy for the upkeep of that.

But why is it deemed to be a nice thing to say?
Not sure really, aging is generally seen as a negative thing whether you're male or female.
For me it goes along with all the other comments women give each other and doesn't really stand out as anything special. I hear women telling each other they love their hair, clothes, bags shoes, etc. all the time and I never thought an age comment was any different.

Yeah I'm happy to look 42 which is my age!! I think I look natural (except I do dye my grey hair) and would hate the Botox waxy look. Older men look more attractive to me now and I think other women my age look good too.

A bunch of children I work with sang me happy birthday recently, so I took the opportunity to tell them how pleased I am to be 48 as it’s such a cool number (lots of factorials and 8 can stand on its head -what’s not to like?)

I'm 59 so as a matter of fact I must look 59. That's my reply if people tell me I don't look it. I loathe coyness about age. My only sadness about getting older is that I have a finite time to be with people I love.