How can I stop my daughter being influenced by this?

[mossyroundhill]

DD3 has started coming home from pre-school saying crap things that I know she is copying off another little girl. Some examples-

"I like pink, I want xyz in pink"
"I like princesses"
"I'm sick of boys"

She is very good at picking up on what others say, and when I talk to her about the things she says it is obvious she is just parroting (eg. if I ask her randomly what colour she likes she will always say all the colours, or yellow; she also loves superheroes and will always ask to be spiderman or bat girl.) When she has shown an interest in Disney we have watched Moana, Tangled, Brave together which she loves, and we've never used the word princess, this is solely something she's picked up from pre-school.
I pulled her up on the boys thing and said that was an unkind thing to say, that we play with boys and girls, and we listed all the boys she likes. She then said "I don't like it when some boys growl at me, but some boys don't" So I think this is what she meant to say.
If I ask her who's been saying these things she always says the same girl.
We try so hard to give her a wide range of toys to play with, she chooses a very mixed sex range of clothes. We have encouraged her to be very independent, outspoken and confident to do what she wants to do. I'm just so depressed that this shit has started early. Does it sound like we are going the right way in trying to encourage her own independent thought? I really have no problem with liking pink, or playing with dolls, but I really don't want to see our strong, quirky little girl thinking that these are things she has to say or do. Obviously when she's older I will be able to explain better, but any tips on anything else I could be doing in the meantime?

Be explicit. Not all girls like pink.

Some people think girls can't play with... But girls and boys can play with any toy.

How silly, this shop thinks these toys are for girls but any children could play with them. How silly this shop thinks girls favourite colour is pink but girls like lots of colours.

It starts very early. A little toddler offered ds a doll, but her mum told her not to be silly he couldn't play with it as he is a boy. Ds favourite toy was a doll.

I've tried all the above and my previously very stereotypically boyish DD still persists in how she likes pink because she's a girl, she likes Everest and Skye best because they're girls, drives me up the wall. What happened to Marshall?? What happened to calling me a boring princess for liking pink and she was a 'cool girl'??

The thing is I love dolls, dresses & pink things, I just do, they make me happy. But she never ever did until nursery.

I'm trying to see it as a baby feminist thing as she did previously point out that in all her favourite shows, 'why is there only one girl?' (Dinotrux, blaze and the monster machines, pre-everest paw patrol). And I gave OH stern words for gaslighting her by saying it was a coincidence. I said well done for noticing, some stupid, unfair people think cars/ trucks/ fixing things is for boys and not really girls, but we know the truth is girls can do whatever they want. I've had this as a quiet narrative forever, but I think it made her sit up and listen and after that she started with the 'i don't want to play with boys'...

Which I'd be less irritated by if she hadn't started being all pink and dollyish, when she honestly never liked them and said I was boring for liking them! I never forced them on her and yet the social pressures are winning out. Despair.

Don't be shy about challenging gendered ideas. You are going to be her primary influence for quite some yet, and that has weight. Don't feel defensive. Be matter of fact, just as you would be if you were addressing any other basic thing you were teaching her. You've got this.

I said to her earlier that actually, was it her that likes princesses or her friend? And she said her friend. So I said well you like Moana and Tangled and Merida, but you don't have to like all the princesses do you? She ended up running around the room being a superhero, which she enjoys because apparently "they help people who get stuck on the toilet"
I am holding onto the hope that she is bright enough to realise that there is a difference between her own likes and those of other children. She does listen to me a lot so maybe if I say it enough she will remember it when I'm not there and "hold her own".
The thought of repeating this for the next however many years though makes me feel so weary

When my daughter was tiny she said her favourite colour was brown. After a few weeks at nursery it was pink. And pink was a “girl” colour.

I say there are no such thing as girl colours, just colours (also toys/jobs/etc) and I don’t make an issue of pink. I buy her a mix of colours.

I’ve bought her a weight set today. She’s very proud of how strong she is and I want to keep encouraging that.

Take heart from this thought (I think I came across it in Pink Brain, Blue Brain by neurologist Lise Elliot, which debunks the idea of pink and blue brains). It's a developmental phase to go through a "gender policing" phase some time after realising first the biological truth that boys and girls are different and then making the social observation that society has different expectations of boys and girls. But children go into the gender policing phase later, and come out of it sooner, if their parents are sceptical about gender roles.

This was certainly true of my DS - the phase only lasted a year at most - he went from loving pink and sparkles to assuring me that he liked blue and "boys" things, then back to doing whatever grabbed him (a healthy mix of football, rugby, unicorns and wanting his bedroom painted pink is where we're at currently).

That is reassuring, Fermats, thank you

Yes it’s totally normal. I was a tomboy but my daughter (5) has become a female supremecist (girls and “girl things” are better because I’m a girl and I’m amazing).

Weirdly enough her friend who has conservative parents is the tomboy... so she has plenty of exposure to gender nonconformity. Not to mention myself lol.

I challenge her all the time too. If she wants to play with “makeup” it’s with daddy, not me (not my thing).

Anyway I suspect you’re doing fine.

My boy liked princess movies (frozen, beauty and the beast etc), dolls, pink and purple bikes (rather than blue ones). Then went into preschool and all of a sudden he liked boy things only, pink was completely verboten. It’s a little bit shocking to see the gender policing once they start hanging out with peers (happy to see above that it’s just a phase). I do think it remains more socially unacceptable for boys to like girl things than the other way round ( though my boys still love Moana and Brave!)

I wouldn’t fret too much. I have 5 kids, 4 girls, 1 boy. 3 of the girls are non-gender conforming and my son is too, to an extent. Except he’s not, loads of boys love ‘nurture play’ (pretending to bottle feed and bath a baby doll), cooking, vacuuming, putting on nail varnish etc if they are allowed. I posted a photo of him in pink PJs on FB the other day and couldn’t quite believe some of the negative comments.

Anyway one of my girls is the total stereotype. Pink, princesses, unicorns, the lot. Hates boys. It’s a phase. Just so long as you let them play with what they like and check any sort of “girls can’t play with x or do y because it’s for boys” then she’ll be fine. Trying to stop the pink or steer her likes/dislikes is probably going to be counter-productive.

Yesterday my 3 year old son yelled out “I’m not a boy, I’m a girl” in the Park. It’s because he was wanting to play with a little girl who wasn’t interested because “you are a boy and I only play with girls.” Years ago we would have laughed. I was waiting for the inevitable comment but mum was too busy on her phone. So I said to the girl “why don’t you play with boys? DS really wants to play and it would be kind.” And she did. And they had lots of fun. No trip to the Tavi required!