If I ruled the world (or even this country)....

[ABitCrapper]

My solutions to toxic patriarchy and male violence would be:

1. Make child development and parenting compulsory education in schools - stop the "boys will be boys" and gender stereotyping, emphasise the importance of secure attachment. Give effective parenting tools so overwhelmed parents are less likely to resort to negative reinforcements.

1. Make relationships also compulsory in schools - so they can easier spot abusive and controlling behaviour, and have tools for equal partnerships.

1. Make budgeting and finance compulsory

1. Give every adult in the country a citizen's allowance so everyone can be independent and not have to stay in abusive relationships or even untenable work situations.

1. Make parental leave compulsory for both parents with a minimum of one month each, up to 2 years, when free childcare will kick in. Government to subsidise this.

What would be your 5 steps?

I think I'd have to nick yours

I'd include a bit of images of breastfeeding in no 1. Mainly to destigmatise and show what the original purpose of breasts were.

Consent from the earliest possible opportunity in a range of contexts - it can start early simply in rough and tumble play, tickling etc. Not having to kiss elderly relatives etc.

On maternity leave with my second child and I'd welcome the opportunity to have 2 years. Either me or dh.

I don't see how relationships can be compulsory. They develop but can't be forced.

Other than that, excellent, especially the Citizens Allowance.

Sorry, relationship education

The police would have to be trained in rape myths and victim blaming. Any failure to understand myths surrounding rape leads to instant dismissal. They should also be taught in schools in the final year.

Nordic model on prostitution.

Universal income.

Strictly same-sex sports, prisons and other services/spaces where legitimate. Options for same-sex or unisex for things like loos and changing rooms in public spaces.

I'd reduce the over-use of plastic packaging, plastic bottles etc by having shampoo/conditioner/Washing up liquid/liquid soap/mineral water/ribena refilling stations in all supermarkets which wld be cheaper and better. I'd design really nice bottles that last forever and look lovely.

I'd do something about the problem of low paid clothing factory workers and fabric landfill by introducing a compulsory donation or taxation on imported clothes.

^ Haa the last 2 aren't related to patriarchy, exactly.

I think you've provided a really thought provoking post. Thank you.

I would possibly add a number 6. Education that boys should be allowed to express emotions, not conform to societal expectations of 'male' etc.

If I may, I'd like to play devil's advocate with your points, which in the most I agree with.

1. My point is probably addressed by this, but I think it needs to be emphasised to not just boys, as girls are also just as likely to join in peer ridicule of less 'masculine' boys. It may be a cultural/country difference but the phrase 'secure attachment' makes me wary. Obviously it's important for children to feel loved and valued but I've observed parents that are advocates of attachment parenting taking it to extremes, mainly continuing well past the age where imo children need to explore and interact with their environment without interference.

1. Two thumbs up. Perhaps ensure counselling available for the kids that recognise their own family situation.

1. My son's school does a comprehensive 2 week course that basically encompasses all types of 'real' life skills. This is implemented towards the end of year 10, so those not continuing to Senior years are helped too. All schools are different, but I was so impressed by this (good backup for what we try to teach at home). Should be compulsory worldwide.

1. I absolutely agree. I also think may be complicated, most (all?) abusers are incredibly controlling, particularly of finances, that's how they exercise their control.

1. Agree again. Of course most Governments would whine about cost effectiveness and productivity ( insert eye roll here).

I really like your ideas. Of course people would whine about how "this is up to the parents " or "Not enough focus on the 3R's". Of course they don't realise that not every parent has received the privilege of a good education or were raised in, how shall I phrase it?, abusive backgrounds themselves. Sadly the cycle repeats.

I'd vote for you - Just saying.

Re "secure attachment" I meant something like this www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2017/3/31/what-is-a-secure-attachmentand-why-doesnt-attachment-parenting-get-you-there

And thanks :)

Yes, relationship conversation should be discussed. A lot of schools go in for 'basics' in sex ed but feelings are not talked about. Would be good if parents did that but a lot don't unfortunately.

Part of the problem of good provision of this sort of education in schools is that the teachers are not trained. You are given a PowerPoint and a pile of worksheets and maybe a crib sheet, and expected to just get on with your pshe lesson regardless of your speciality. But it needs proper investment.... Time and money, money and time so it will never happen

And speaking as someone who wasn't really parented, and had to resort to a lot of reading and hard work not to automatically revert to the way I was brought up - it is bloody hard to actually parent properly if you haven't been. And if you have no awareness of the importance of good parenting, well then the kids (and society) don't stand a chance frankly.

Ban porn - ideally completely, but if not, at least introduce strict controls on it, particularly regarding viewing it in a public place and making it available to minors

Curfews for men where there are problems with violence and sexual assault

ABitCrapper

Thanks for the article, long but really informative. Agree parenting is hard, I had so much anxiety about being 'the perfect mother'. Best advice I received, from a relative (paediatrician) was relax and trust your instincts but if something is really worrying you I'm here.

I have to say I have mixed feelings about free childcare. Since 'government will pay for it' means other people will pay for it. I've got kids but do I feel right asking childless people to pay to look after them?
What about the parents who choose to stay home to look after their own kids - will they be marginalised even further or pushed into the workforce against their will/beliefs?
If the provision is to be free and available for all I'm guessing the wages for the people providing it won't be high - and will probably be mainly women doing it.
So will we just move to a situation where instead of men exploiting women we have parents exploiting poor women?

Curfews for men where there are problems with violence and sexual assault

How about we adopt a reverse Saudi model, wherein they are allowed in public but only if accompanied by a woman who can vouch for them?

I could be persuaded towards that, Gronky. Perhaps during the day time women are needed to vouch for men's conduct, but after 10pm there is a curfew on almost all men (emergency services workers can still be out, for example)

hdh - when I rule the world there will be as many male as female nursery workers, as we will acknowledge that child rearing isn't the sole preserve of women.

but after 10pm there is a curfew on almost all men
but wouldn't the 'bad' men just ignore the curfew and the women be left alone with them while the 'good' men stay home.
or the men that wanted to commit crimes would just do it during the day
and while I'm all for protecting women there are valid reasons why men want/need to go out

The bad men would be immediately identified as bad, because they were out during curfew hours. And being out itself would be a crime, so they wouldn't have to commit a crime that directly impacted on a woman or girl, so the police would be able to arrest and remove the man immediately without waiting for him to do something

The bad men would be immediately identified as bad, because they were out during curfew hours.

I presume you'll be banning the wearing of burkah's and similar?

Hmm, personally I loathe burkhas, so yes. But I'm aware of the counter-arguments to that approach, including "women shouldn't tell other women what to wear"

But in any case, the laws in countries where burkhas are normal attire (or even mandated) allow for their removal for the purposes of identification, and in Olenna's World there would be similar laws if necessary.

My standard work week for all would be 2.5/3 days/ wk so that the majority of the childcare would be done by parents/ family and be split equally.

Much more remote working so that people didn't waste time commuting and a far more regionally devolved economy so that house prices/ job opps were more evenly spread around and people didn't end up having to miles away from friends and family support due to work etc

Low cost high quality nursery provision from age 2 for mornings/ afternoons

Looks like Magna Carta died in vain after all.

Ban the teaching of creationism.

Teach children how to cook. By which I mean produce actual meals not design the packaging.

Teach both sexes how their bodies really work. Women have 3 holes. (I'd also make sure all females know how to wipe their bum front to back to reduce the risk of UTI).

Just realised I get two more

Tackle adult illiteracy, the impact of which disproportionately affects women.

Not a feminist one, but joined-up public transport policies. Including school busses to reduce congestion and pollution outside schools.