I’ve recently had my second child and am evaluating a lot of stuff about my life.
This will be our last baby and I’m looking towards what life will be like from now on in a lot of ways.
For the last 3yrs sex for me has been about getting pregnant (4 pregnancies, 2 babies born). Now I’m done with that part of my life it’s got me thinking.
It occurred to me (and this sounds stupid) that to ‘have sex with someone’ means with someone. Together. The words have suddenly changed in my head.
I’m 34 and shocked at how much of my sexlife has been coerced, nagged, guilted. And that’s not counting an abusive relationship that included rape.
My DH (together for 10yrs) is genuinely a good man and great father. He has never pressured, nagged, etc etc. We’ve had sex about 4 times in the past year, I’ve had a difficult pregnancy and just haven’t wanted it. So we haven’t.
I thought being an educated, feminist woman had protected me from this shit. But looking back there are so many times when I’ve just gone along with sex. Been so passive about it, let it happen rather than been really there.
Talking to DH about this he mentioned how as a teen he thought he had to ‘trick’ girls into liking him and sleeping with him. That being him wasn’t enough. That girls/women wouldn’t want sex, he’d have to convince them, and they’d give it up. Thankfully he is no longer like that, or I wouldn’t be with him.
I realise now, despite thinking I was above all that, actually I was ‘putting out’ ‘giving it up’. It seems to be ingrained that it’s something I give away rather than something I participate in. And that still stays in me now.
I don’t know how to work through this. Has anyone else felt the same?
I honestly thought things were better for women of my generation, but turns out for me it’s still not great.
I’m asking here because I want a feminist stance on it and a good chat!