Abusive relationships - advice for teenagers

[myrtleWilson]

Hello,
My teen daughter (nearly 16) and I had a conversation that entered into a discussion about abusive relationships. I think in many ways she is quite naive so apologies if this comes across as too little too late.

Anyway, we have had previous chats on same topic but this was a bit more in depth. We were talking about how difficult it can be to leave an abusive relationship, how female victims may end up leaving one abusive relationship (say father) and end up with a partner in a similar vein. She, in all her lovely innocence didn't (at first) understand why a woman wouldn't just leave etc. I hopefully have talked through some of the reasons.

I realised quite how naive/cocooned she was when she asked me if anyone had ever died of an abusive relationship. I explained some facts and talked about Jess Philips annually reading in Parliament a list of women who had been killed in the previous year.

Now, in many ways I love her naivety (I should state she's not shut away from the rest of the world, at least one of her friends has been hospitalised due to an eating disorder, she's experienced too many close family bereavements, she has experience of mental health issues, she is quite savvy about other things, she parties, she shops, she snapchats - it is just - thankfully - so far abuse hasn't darkened her door)

I hope our conversation today will start to give her some thinking points and that I've left some guidance that - should she ever need it- will bubble up to the surface. But it did strike me why hasn't her school done a PSHE lesson this - do others? Also, are there any teen appropriate resources that I could point her in the direction of? Obviously I don't want to scare her off relationships but I want her to feel she has some little positive triggers that may make her go hmm if the need arises (please not ever)

Any suggestions very welcome - particularly I think about the school/educational role in this (she is at a girls school if that matters)

It is supposed to be covered in sex and relationships Ed I think ? But that may vary from school to school perhaps ?

Assertiveness training is good for teaching how to set and enforce boundaries. Anne Dickson's book 'A woman in your own right' is available on Amazon for a few pounds.

You could also look at the Freedom Program book 'Living with the Dominator', by Pat Craven. It might not all be suitable for her if she is very young.

I fear School PSHE lessons are expected to cover so much, not to mention being hijacked by a certain charity with an a gender I don't think it's reasonable to expect much from them.
My teen is quietly savvy on this, not sure where she's picked it up from. The Archers did a long running slow boil story line on coercive control and we often listened together and talked about it so she may well have absorbed more than I thought from this. In fact it educated me too, it was very subtle.
We also happened to be listening to radio 4 whilst driving when there was a programme discussing it, women's hour I think.
Sometimes there is a news story in the papers. I find discussing it as it pops up, including real life cases when they drop into the news is a good drip feed. Then sometimes on TV we spot the signs and maybe laugh, maybe discuss depending on the scenario.

I do feel a need to raise awareness - partly to protect - not only her but she might be the person who is crucial to helping a friend at some time in the future. Also as part of a wider awareness of domestic violence and helping to bring about change.

Also there was a thread on here a while back about saying NO to a man as a test. I forwarded it to older DD and a friend of hers who was very interested in it as general dating advice.

Saying no to menwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3322589-Saying-no-to-men
Hopefully that will work.

Not UK based (so always a risk a teen may not connect it directly with her own life) but Stacey Dooley did a brilliant documentary on BBC 3 on the decriminalization of DV and the massive male on female murder rate in Russia (one of her Stacey Dooley Investigates series - she's actually a brilliant investigative reporter and deserves a much bigger audience than she gets on BBC 3 I think).

Looks like it's still on i-player
Russia's War on Women

It is very well done, aimed at your daughter's age group, and absolutely horrific (my DS sat there with his jaw on the floor, saying "am I allowed to swear, mum?")

There are some good resources online that may help. At the youth clubs we watched some excellent videos on YouTube that made for interesting discussions, it was a while ago now so can't remember the names but worth a look.

I appreciate what a minefield this must be for parents -no kids myself, but did youth work for years. The best thing you have going for you is that you have a good relationship with her and you can talk to each other -well done!

May be worth having a look at this website for some general info. It's 'youth friendly' so suitable for you to look through with your DD. Good luck!

www.disrespectnobody.co.uk/relationship-abuse/what-is-relationship-abuse/

Thank you all so much! Will look at the various links and suggestions..

Will definitely come back to this thread tomorrow.

I watched the Stacey Dooley programme above with my 3 teen DC. It was a good documentary which shocked them but led to a good discussion.

Good thread. I am really struggling with this as we've got a close relative coming out of a coercive/financially controlling marriage right now. There are days when I find it hard to control my own rage about it and be a good support for her, and I can see that's having an effect on my DDs. I want to educate them to see the red flags she didn't (which sadly I did and couldn't do a damn thing about) but I don't want to scare them off men for life! I'm finding that NAMALT is coming out of my mouth more than I'm comfortable with, it's a really difficult balance.

It really is an important discussion to be had. Do schools even teach this in PDHPE?

In my personal experience I witnessed domestic abuse as a young child-not directly on my own mother but my Aunt whom we shared accomodation with for a while. I heard the thumps, the screams, I saw the black eyes and bruises. I also saw my mother step up to him when he came drunk and ranting at her. Her words and I quote “I’m not my sister, don’t you dare raise your hand to me-you try that shit on and I will throw you down those steps”.

Words that I recalled and encouraged me to take action myself when in an abusive relationship myself at 17. The second I got hit I fought him off and walked out. It never should have got to that point.

Looking back there were so many red flags I was unaware of. Hindsight is 20/20. The education really needs to be about spotting the behaviour that leads to it. The coercion, the control, the manipulation and gaslighting.