Stream of consciousness; existential crisis & sexuality

[BeyondVicious]

For context, as long as I remember I have considered myself bisexual. But over time I have gradually lost the attraction to men. Any men. It's not a sudden realisation, it was coming long before I ended my marriage. I have said for years that if we split there would never be another man for me, then my tolerance for years of his gaslighty, emotionally fuckwitted shit reached it's red line and here we are.

So am I just what the media seems to love to call a 'late blooming lesbian', or has an alcoholic abusive father> cheat > doormat > gay cheat > gang rape > swiftly followed by a toxic relationship (of over ten years) with my stbxh traumatised me? (typing that was actually somewhat cathartic). And of course there's the potential for that to come out wrong and be offensive - I hope that as women here know me it can be read as I intend it! I know women here can help me look into the feminist angle of male violence and compulsive heteronormativity, and help me work out what is going on in my head. Recommendations of books are always good :)

Just in case it needs saying, I absolutely do not think being gay is outright caused by ptsd, I just wonder what's going on with myself as not knowing who I am is making me feel rather shit.

(By the way, I'm receiving support for the toxicity of my former relationship elsewhere so don't worry about that, this post is purely to help unravel the sexuality stuff from a feminist perspective.)

Thank you

I am post menopause and post a long marriage to an averagely selfish man, since leaving that relationship and trying dating (50s) I realise that there is nothing men have on offer that I want or need. I spend all my spare time with women now.
Its better.
After a few years not in a relationship the whole humans in twos thing starts to look seriously weird, I don't know why people do it post family.

You look weird always paired up. Get over it.

The first that comes to me is, you're going through more than enough right now without this as well.

Could you, for now at least, simply feel how you feel & try to put analysis aside - or at least, tell yourself you'll think about it again in six months or something? Give yourself some time.

Does it matter who gives you the fanny gallops?

Does it really result in you not knowing who I am?

Isn't that a bit melodramatic for a woman with good dollop of life experience behind her?

Surely what defines you is something far deeper than which body type is most likely to make you rub your thighs?

Sounds like you are used to defining yourself by your relationships with others so it is a major crisis not knowing who your cuddles will come from next.

Read up on codependency. Learn who you are in your own self, independently of others. Apparently codependent people have a very poor sense of self. Fix that and it will be life changingly liberating.

I think I can empathise. I’ve been pretty sure I’m gay since my early 20s but I’ve never been sure how much of that is due to a very controlling, nasty father then sexual abuse from a male authority figure in my mid-late teens. I then had a couple of brief relationships with (harmless) men before deciding it was women for me.

I am probably bisexual really as I can still get turned on by men and even fantasise about sex with them, but I have absolutely no desire ever actually to have sex with one again, and the thought of a relationship with a man makes me feel a bit ill. Women are so much better, as company, sex, relationship material, companionship...

Or perhaps I really am just gay, because I’ve only ever really wanted to be around women and am one of those rare people who will instinctively take women more seriously than men in a mixed group and actively seek out their company and attention, and this has always been the natural mode for me. Men just don’t feature on my radar, generally (apart from a few nice ones I’ve got to know properly). This social orientation towards women is something that’s made a few perceptive people realise that I’m gay - I’m pretty feminine in appearance and behaviour so nobody ever gets it otherwise.

In the end I decided it doesn’t matter what has made me sure I could happily live without men for the rest of my life and that I certainly never want to shag/be in a relationship with one ever again. It’s a valid choice, I don’t have to defend my rejection of men, much as the patriarchy would like to force me to. I’m just doing what makes me happy.

It's worth exploring in time, but I do agree that it's nothing you need to rush.

Perhaps asking yourself what you actually want from a positive perspective will bring as much insight as dissecting the male violence negative aspects which have brought you to this place?

I know for myself, sexuality has been a fraught journey through childhood and adult sexual abuse, with only being attracted to females for a very long time. I'm in my forties now and just beginning to examine whether my sexual behaviour with men has been a 'late bloom' into bisexuality or a capitulation to heterosexual norms and a quest to 'fit in'.

I know that when I am as un-selfconscious and free as I can be, my head will be much more readily turned by a woman I find attractive than anything else. But in all honesty that scares the shit out of me too, so I don't know how to come to a conclusion there.

Anyway, following along to see how this develops.

Thank you for you tact cottontail. I think I made it pretty clear there is other shit going on - as empress then emphasised in her post - but by all means call me melodramatic

Empress, I think waiting six months would probably be a better idea, but today at least I need to distract myself with theory.

Electron, I've always said that I think a great deal more people than the stats support are actually bisexual, they just don't really think about it enough to label it as an "identity". Underneath I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter what word I call myself or whatever, living how I want to is the important bit. Persuading my mind of that when I feel crap is a different thing though :)
And electron, I agree that constant pairs are weird and was quite happy with the idea of being alone in general, but that's purely a marriage/living-together-relationship thing rather than a sex/living-apart-relationship thing, I guess. Dunno, they're just separate in my random thoughts!

Empress, I think waiting six months would probably be a better idea, but today at least I need to distract myself with theory.

Not my strong point I'm afraid. But I can think of several women who would be good on that.

Oo see now floral that is interesting looking at it from the other direction too! Looking at it from a positive perspective is definitely worth a go once I get myself out of this metaphorical ditch. Actually, between unburdening elsewhere about stbxh and on this thread about this, I do already feel a little less suffocated even without the situation changing in any way :)
Perhaps I just need to find a therapist to talk at

Ah Spartacus - the good thing about burdening myself about one subject is it distracts me from obsessing about another. Just have to balance it carefully so it doesn't become the obsessed about subject that I then need to distract myself from (does that even make sense?)

Perhaps I just need to find a therapist to talk at

The right therapist is a wonderful thing.

I meant melodramatic in the sense that you are building this up into something way bigger than it is. Realising that might help you put it down and walk away for a while.

Tact has never been my strong suit though, fair comment.

You do sound hugely codependent. I think reading up on that rather than sexuality and the patriarchy might be more useful to you.

Thank you cottontail - apologies for snarkiness, I'm a bit on edge atm

Codependency probably is an issue that I do need to think about, because of, well, other stuff.

I'm going to make a decision purely by and for myself (as clearly that has been lacking) and look into therapy. Thank you all.

I am still interested in any theory though

Spartacus, am I meant to be reading that post with an Australian accent in my head?

Cos I am