Explaining to children

[RandomlyChosenName]

I wonder if you could give some general advice on how to deal with a situation: transchild in primary school class. School are being inclusive- using chosen female name, female pronouns, allowing use of female facilities. Sorry this is a bit vague- I am worried about anonymity.

Child in trans girl’s class. How discuss the situation with child without making them into a GC advocate who will get into trouble for expressing their views, but also keeping them in the knowledge that a boy cannot become a girl and, more importantly, without the trans issue undermining “the only difference between boys and girls is that boys have a willy. There is nothing boys can do, wear, like or play with that girls cannot and there is nothing boys can do, wear, like or play with that girls cannot”.

Trans child is brought up as topic by child, otherwise I’d say leave well alone.

Trans child has changed whilst at school, so all children are aware.

Again, sorry this is vague.

It's not the same situation, but we have a trans woman in the family.
We explained to the children (and often have to re-explain, as they don't really get it), that X felt unhappy as a man, and feels they would be happier as a woman. They therefore have a new name Y, and would prefer it if you called them that. We understand that occasionally you might forget and call them by the old name, but as long as it's an accident, that's ok, but please try to call them by their preferred name. As Y feels happier living as a woman, they now dress in women's clothes (which is absolutely fine as anyone can wear whatever they like as long as it's suity for the weather and covers enough of the body). They also will use the ladies etc, and as long as everyone behaves themselves, and acts sensibly, then that is fine as well. But if anything worries or upsets you, you must tell your PARENTS as soon as possible.

I'm not sure if that's helpful?

With all these situations explaining things to the kids so they don't get "in trouble", while still making sure they have boundaries respected AND trying to make sure safeguarding is in place ... Is fucking difficult. You can't fight the female-only safe space boundaries through the children. That needs to be done adult to adult through bsafekeeping and equality impact assessments.

I take the line that I will not lie to my children. They are to be respectful, within reason, but not forced to lie and any risk to their boundaries or punishment by not pretending someone can change sex will be handled by me dealing directly with the school.

No, don’t want to lie and wouldn’t if there was a direct question. But also don’t want my child to get into trouble or upset the trans child by saying something that doesn’t need to be said. It’s a fine line.

ABitCrapper- I like the “they think they would feel happier” line. Your post was helpful, thank you.

Following this with interest. My children are very aware of gender critical attitudes in our house, and because they’re both GNC I’ve been clear about how it’s impossible to change biological sex and they shouldn’t listen if anyone tries to tell them that gendered behaviour matters.

I’ve been hoping that the backlash would happen before it becomes dangerous for them to express these views. But they are likely to come across a trans child at some point and the danger of them being accused of bullying, hate speech etc is something I want to protect them from.

At the moment, how I’m handling it is making it clear that there are a range of views on this issue and ours is the minority view (in the eyes of school policies at least...). They have many religious friends and I connect it with that which they find helpful.

You can't fight the female-only safe space boundaries through the children

I understand what you are saying, but we are also fighting for this on behalf of the children.

Maybe the important thing is to stress the humanity of all people to your child. I should be able to teach your child about why you are gender critical without it impinging on their treatment of the trans child

How old? If they're of an age to want separate sex changing I think you may need to take up with school on their behalf.

Apart from that at primary age I think it can mostly be easily dealt with under the "some people believe ... I believe ... what do you think? ..." banner.

I think, like with things about sex, you only need to tell them as much as they need to know/ask and no more. Eg if they ask something specific about the child, you don't go into a long monologue about women's right and the issues it could cause etc, because that can come in time, you just answer their question as directly as possible.

Maybe the important thing is to stress the humanity of all people to your child.

This. The most important thing is to teach kids to respect others and accept difference. Forming groups and picking on the weak/outsider is sadly intrinsic to human social interaction- so the key is to socialise them to be excellent to each other (as someone once said).

I think I'd reiterate the biological facts, reiterate that sex shouldn't dictate clothes, hair etc and just try to answer questions honestly.

If you take the line that "the only difference between boys and girls is that boys have something girls don't have" I feel that this is sending a subtle message that girls are lacking something. In fact girls have a lot of things boys don't have. Girls have wombs, ovaries, vaginas, vulvas, etc, all things boys don't have. So maybe say something like, the only difference between boys and girls is that boys and girls have some different body parts. Most of our body parts are the same but not all."

I explained it using a religion analogy.

People have different beliefs. We respect the right of people to believe different things to us, but it doesn't mean that we have to believe them, too. Believing that God created the world in seven days does not mean that evolution is false. It also does not mean that we should mock people who believe in Creation.

At the moment X believes that they are a girl. We know that it is impossible to change sex. But we should respect their rights to their beliefs. You don't need to believe it. You shouldn't challenge them, just let them live their life. If anything happens around them or to do with them that makes you feel uncomfortable, come and tell me.

Good analogy Jellyslice I think the line that you can respect someone's beliefs without sharing them is key here.

be excellent to each other

Bill and Ted

JellySlice- that’s very good. Thank you. And thank you everyone else too.

Grace- gosh, I didn’t even think I was doing that! I just said willy because that’s the easiest and most obvious thing to say. I shall change my description!

@ijustwannadance.

I know it's pretentious, but I do like to quote the great philosophers.

Party on dude.

Ohello I get your point, and I did wobble over that myself, but I labour the point to my children that they must talk to me if they feel uncomfortable or worried about anything, and I will sort it out. If clothes makes a trans person happy, then why not? Clothes are just clothes

I think I would treat it like I would if one of their friends started wearing a burka or talking about making their holy communion.

"Different people have different beliefs , and that's okay. You should respect other people's beliefs as long as they aren't harmful to anyone else, but that doesn't mean you have to believe what they believe. Some people believe that what makes someone a girl or a boy is how they feel inside or what kind of personality they have. We don't have that belief in our family. What makes someone a boy or a girl is just their male or female body: males have a penis and so they are boys, females have a vagina and so they are girls. It's nothing to do with liking certain things or having a certain personality or wearing different clothes. Boys and girls can have any personality and like any thing at all. But X and X's family have different beliefs, and they consider X to be a girl now. They want everyone to use 'she' and 'her' and use the new name. You don't need to worry about it, and you shouldn't try to argue with X or anyone else about who is right or wrong about what makes someone a boy or a girl. You are friends with both boys and girls so you can be kind and friendly and play with X without worrying about this stuff. I think you should use the name your friend likes. But if you ever feel upset or uncomfortable about anything happening in school, or if you feel like it's not being respected that boys and girls can have any personality or interest and still be the boy or girl they are, please talk to me about it and we'll figure it out together. "

Xpost with JellySlice, who said it so much better

I asked my DD the other day (out of curiosity) if a boy was a girl if he put a dress on. She said 'don't be silly, it's just a boy wearing a dress!' I may have done an air punch I do however use the religion argument up thread for lots of things with her.

I agree with the advice given, but I don't think that there is a healthy way to deal with it, to be honest.

What I mean is, we started separating boys and girls for PE in year 5, none of the girls had started puberty and probably weren't any different to 6 weeks prior when they changed in the classroom with the boys. If a trans-girl is sent to change with the girls at this stage it won't really be a problem, but the longer this goes on the harder it becomes to exclude the transgirl from the space on the basis that the girls are uncomfortable.

It's like the experiment where the subject is asked to hold a coffee cup or something slightly cheeky and the more they agree to do, the harder it is to say no. I think that we will be doing this to our children (both boys and girls) and I worry about where that will lead.

OP, is your child uncomfortable with this change? Or asking for your reassurance?