"Dads having miscarriages"

[QuentinWinters]

Debate on radio 5 at the moment. Man whose wife has had repeated miscarriages complaining that he can't get time off work and that society doesn't discuss dad's who have miscarriages.

I've had to turn it off. Miscarriage is a huge taboo for women (hence the whole wait for 12 weeks to announce thing) and many of us have miscarriages and little or no time off work. But yet we have to talk about the men.
And what is it with the appropriative language? Sorry Dad. You haven't had a miscarriage, your wife has.
I wonder if women should start talking about how they don't get any support when wives get erectile dysfunction.

Makes me so cross.

I instinctively dislike the wording because it feeds into a longer trend of minimising the physical impact of pregnancy, child birth and post partum.

We have maternity wards that prioritise baby focused care to the detriment of the mother's health. How many times have we heard of women abandoned to look after newborns straight after labour in the middle of the night with minimal help even when still under the effects of anaesthesia from C-sections? And then women get kicked out after a few hours because "it's only labour" as though they haven't been through physical trauma with the compounded effects of 2-3 days of sleep deprivation.

Then there's the claim that men get PND - no that is a very specific and serious condition caused by changes in hormones following birth. Men can of course get depressed or stressed by the major life change of having a baby, but conflating the two minimises the very real physical impact of giving birth on women and the psychological impact it has.

Why do we have to pretend that there isn't a huge biological difference in the experiences surrounding pregnancy and birth to acknowledge the emotional impacts on both men and women?

I wonder whether this kind of discourse is the result of men being more involved in their partner's reproductive capacity. Back in the day men wouldn't have dared say such a thing, it was a women's preserve and his views on the matter were not relevant.

now that men are more involved it seems that some men do what they've always done which is take over. I would like to see more men stand up against this kind of take over.

Sadly we have experienced 3 losses with my 3 miscarriages. To this day only one person has ever taken the time (except me of course) to ask my DH how he feels. It really is something that needs to change. He was devastated too.