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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Would it be dickish to change my name 8 years later?

22 replies

RiddleyW · 08/10/2018 08:19

So I changed my name to DH’s when we got married. I love being married to him but I actually really regret changing my name. I did it because I wanted us all to have the same name if we had children (which we now have).

However, I really wish we’d just chosen a new family name. I think DH might still be up for it now. I suppose we’d have to all deed poll (me, DH and DS - who is 3).

It does feel really attention seeking though doesn’t it? I guess I just have to live with it now. Would welcome your thoughts. You can see I wasn’t brave enough to put it in AIBU!

OP posts:
VickyEadie · 08/10/2018 08:20

Not at all "dickish". I can see exactly why you'd want to do that.

SwearyG · 08/10/2018 08:26

I changed back to my birth name. I had taken his because it’s “the done thing” but changed back when I realised that it was a mistake for me. I would have loved to have made a new family name but DH wasn’t up for it.

Do what is right for you - we all change over time and accepting a choice you made as a wrong one and changing it to the right one for you all is pretty admirable imo

deepwatersolo · 08/10/2018 08:45

I can understand it in principle, if you want to have your name reflected, too, be it all changing to your maiden name or double-barreling the surename.
What I personally find strange is choosing some 'new' surename or the meshing of surenames. Unless it is a name with a real bad history - like Bundy. Or if you really make a statement that you reject the families you both came from. Personally, if people do that, I always imagine some horrific family secret, the people want to distance themelves from. But that is just me, I guess.

Cynara · 08/10/2018 08:49

DP and I are not married, so when I was pregnant with DC we both changed our manes by deed poll to a new "family" name. It works well for us and we're both happy with the decision as it wouldn't have felt right to give DC either of our original surnames alone and neither of us was keen on double-barrelling.

deepwatersolo · 08/10/2018 08:49

I should add that I kept my name and DS has my name, too. Partner kept his. My name is rare, historically local, and I like looking at times, where people with that name have turned up over time. So, I guess that is part of why I don't understand the 'new name' thing. It cuts you off from this type of stuff (which may, however, only be relevant for rare names anyway, idk.)

Cynara · 08/10/2018 08:50

*names. We don't have manes, although I like the idea of one...

SugarandVinegar · 08/10/2018 08:50

It's a big thing for you but to most people who know you it will be a 2 minute wonder. Go for it Op.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/10/2018 08:53

We did the choose a new name for all of us thing. I like it. But it’s not the biggest deal in the world and I wouldn’t do it now you have kids. They will have to constantly explain why their name isn’t the same as their birth certificate. It’s a pain in the but. You have an extra document and extra explaining to do for too much official stuff and it’s not fair to do it to them when it isn’t their choice.

Haireverywhere · 08/10/2018 08:58

What do you think you'll do?

We chose a new family name because I felt I couldn't lose my cultural identity (I am mixed race with a very unusual outside of my culture name). We both changed our names to keep our respective identities but neither subsumed by the other's in the new name. Hope that makes sense; being vague deliberately.

I have a friend who wants to change hers after a few years but DH says everyone will think their marriage is on the rocks, he cheated, or they're attention seeking Confused

Juells · 08/10/2018 09:02

Why can't you just use your birth name? The whole family doesn't have to change, do they? I used my married surname for years, then started using my birth name professionally. The only problem was with bank accounts, but that was easily sorted.

IAmSproutycus · 08/10/2018 09:08

I’m in the middle of negotiating my own name change with DH. He’ll probably get to a place where he’s okay with it, but atm he’s struggling to hold an identity of himself as a liberal feminist-ally, when his feelings about my surname are all about ownership and entitlement. He’s finding acknowledging that dissonance hard right now. More on topic for you, i found lots of essays online by googling on different ideas and perspectives on names and that did help me get to where my own decision is. Good luck!

IAmSproutycus · 08/10/2018 09:09

Hairy, I expect all those thoughts are bound up in where my DH’s head is at too!

Micke · 08/10/2018 09:47

I changed my DS2's surname when he was 1 because I had been regretting giving him his dad's name since we registered him.

DS1 has DP's name, and I thought that DS1 would be sad if DS2 didn't have the same surname - but like an idiot I didn't ask. Well, later we had a conversation about it all, and DS1 didn't mind at all, so we changed DS2's to match my name.

The one thing that annoyed me is we had to deedpoll it, because, whilst I could have changed a child's name to their dad's name, including re-issuing the birth certificate, in the first year, you can't do the same to change it to the mother's name. (yes, via a complex route of deedpolls/marriage for DP we could have managed it - but that seemed ridiculous)

Micke · 08/10/2018 09:48

They will have to constantly explain why their name isn’t the same as their birth certificate. It’s a pain in the but. You have an extra document and extra explaining to do for too much official stuff and it’s not fair to do it to them when it isn’t their choice.

I must admit, despite having to apply for residency now in 2 different countries, this hasn't been our experience.

As an adult, I can't remember the last time I showed my birth certificate to anyone in fact - not since I got a passport at least.

RiddleyW · 08/10/2018 10:14

I hadn't considered the hassle for DS but then I have a different name to my birth certificate and it hasn't really caused a problem. I do think DH's family will be upset and that may be a good enough reason to stick with the status quo I suppose.

I think I am just a bit pissed off at myself for not giving it more thought at the time. I don't really want to change back to my maiden name as I'd rather have the same name as DS.

Am aware it's all quite first world problems.

OP posts:
Micke · 08/10/2018 11:05

I do think DH's family will be upset

DP's family surprised me - first, with DS1, my MIL commented that she was surprised we hadn't given him my surname as part of his name (it didn't scan, and I don't like surnames as middle names)

Then, when I told her that we'd changed DS2's name (which sounds much better with my surname), she barely batted an eyelid - she just said 'Oh, alright' and we carried on talking about something else. FIL I expect thought that we were being ridiculous, but he'd never say anything to us - and he wouldn't be upset, just think that we were silly.

newmumwithquestions · 08/10/2018 11:24

Well I suspect you’ve asked this on feminism not AIBU because you’ll probably get different answers!

But that’s ok - it just suggests to me that you’ve already made up your mind!

Change away. It’s such a personal decision. I’m getting married next year and haven’t decided what I’m doing yet.

BettyDuMonde · 08/10/2018 11:44

Changing your name is an absolute faff of paperwork, but if you feel strongly enough about your choice I don’t think the opinions of others should factor into it all (except of those whose names you would intend to change along with yours, naturally).

I’m still using my first husband’s surname (double barrelled with my ‘maiden’ name) despite now being married to husband number three.

I don’t much like my father, but his is a generic surname, so not particularly objectionable. I probably wouldn’t have bothered to change my name at all on marriage but husband number 1 was born on another continent so we had to do all the gruelling home office immigration stuff and I didn’t want to give any unnecessary red flags that our marriage was a visa one - especially as it wasn’t.

By the time we divorced I had qualifications and the beginnings of a professional reputation under that name. I vaguely considered an entirely new name by deed poll (better than reverting to my father’s name alone, and I like my ex better than I like my dad so 🤷‍♀️)

The next two husband’s names are considerably less interesting than the first one, so I’ve not been tempted to change again due to a combination of the stuff posted above (professional rep/ mismatched paperwork), historical artefacts and genealogy, Feminism and vanity 😂

One thing I’m glad of, I gave my children combos of their dad’s name and my maiden name - we all have slightly different names and that can be a pain when making dental appointments etc, but we all have one part in common, connecting us to each other.

Husband’s two and three are both established in their careers and so had the same practical reasons for wanting to keep their names as I did - neither gave a rat’s ass that I neither took their names nor ditched husband number one’s name. I’ve gone by ‘Ms’ since I got my first proper bank account as a teenager, none of my husbands were bothered by that either.

We all get some hilarious surname combos on Xmas cards etc but I never correct anyone. As long as it’s correct on official documents and cheques, it’s no big deal to me.

If you do go for a change you will probably find you get all sorts of combos and old names etc. Life is easier if you don’t take it too seriously (I don’t like ‘Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandsurname’ but it’s really only very elderly people who still do that and if you do mention it they invariably forget and revert to their old-fashioned default - Impresume it will be completely out of use in a few years time).

VickyEadie · 08/10/2018 11:54

I only took ex-husband's name after we'd been married for 4 years and that was for professional reasons I won't go into here.

We've been divorced for 16 years now and I still have his name - couldn't be arsed to change it and I was so well-known in my profession with his name it didn't make sense to revert to my own.

I don't care enough to bother now. But people should do what makes most sense to them.

hipsterfun · 08/10/2018 12:15

It does feel really attention seeking though doesn’t it?

Not at all.

I mean, a person could be an attention seeker about it, but it doesn’t need to be anybody else’s business beyond mentioning it the once. (And other people making a fuss about it isn’t the same as setting out to seek attention Smile)

Forgotthebins · 08/10/2018 12:58

Depending on how much you travel and where to, it can be easier if parents' names match kids as it can save on paperwork at borders. But I don't see anything dickish about it - it's totally personal and your own business. We've got a right mess of names in our family so I don't correct people if they get Christmas cards and stuff wrong, as it's only a priority to us!

deepwatersolo · 08/10/2018 13:07

Well I suspect you’ve asked this on feminism not AIBU because you’ll probably get different answers!

So much for yesterday's thread about the unbearable (alleged) hostility here on the feminism board.

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