Should I stop asking my daughters to be nice to each other?

[rubisco]

I have two primary-school daughters of similar ages, who usually get along very well. Inevitably though there are arguments over toys, games, TV programmes, etc. - sometimes quite heated, and sometimes escalating to a punch or a kick. They also sometimes refuse to share things with each other, or make unkind remarks about each other.
None of this is super frequent, and I'm pretty sure they are entirely within the normal range.

When something like this does happen, I usually ask them to "be nice to each other". Reading this board has raised my consciousness of the effects of female socialisation to be nice, and I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing.

So - should I stop intervening in their disagreements and let them sort them out themselves? Should I intervene but use different wording?
Do parents treat girls and boys differently in this respect?

Might be better to be specific about expectations and why. E.g. sharing. Not hitting. Rather than just a blanket "be nice". Also validating their feelings or opinions or reality would be good. E.g. "I know you're frustrated..." etc.

There's probs a book or two someone can recommend. Can't think of one off the top of my head.

I only have girls but I think if I had the boys I would say the same thing.

Be kind to one another you have enough of people being horrible at school to do it to each other...

I don't expect mine to be best buddies or play with each other or never argue but a expect tolerance and kindness.

"be nice" applies equally to boys and girls. I don't know why OP thinks parents treat them differently. Fighting and being unkind is annoying whoever does it. If you had a boy and a girl fighting, would you only scold the girl? Of course not!

change the language, but keep the intention.

totally agree with renaxela

we talk in our house about respectful language, that we don't shout/scream/swear at each other, that if you want something you can ask for it properly.
But I also talk about everyone has the right to feel safe and not be shouted at.
House rules, no hitting/swearing, telling each other to shut up.
But also respecting each other point of view, you are all entitled to different opinions, you do not have to agree etc.

(but mine are now teens!)

I have boys and have said be nice many a time. But I think I say a lot of 'work together' and 'you are a team' and 'if you don't have anything nice to sat don't say anything at all'
But to be honest it's easiest to set them off on a different task and distract them if I really want it to stop

What I try to do is explain to a boundary-crossing child that they need to respect the other child's space/bodily autonomy/things in such a way that both children get the message that they should respect others' boundaries, but both also get the message that they should expect to have their own boundaries respected.

(Mine are boys though)

"be nice" applies equally to boys and girls. I don't know why OP thinks parents treat them differently

I only had one boy but there is no way I would have tolerated my son behaving like this with his friends sometimes quite heated, and sometimes escalating to a punch or a kick. They also sometimes refuse to share things with each other, or make unkind remarks about each other

I have a girl and two boys and I say "be nice" or "be kind" to all of them (as well as more specific instructions like "no hitting" etc).

The thing I try to avoid saying (particularly to my DD) is "you have disappointed me". Maybe I'm overthinking this but I think that's more of the kind of sentence that turns girls into people pleasers.

Ask them what would be a good compromise? Or ask for the solution? Best they work out how to resolve things with support

I would never be happy with an escalation in violence, though thankfully I never experienced it with my two daughters.

I agree with Lass.

However, I NEVER interrupted an argument or a heated discussion. They always sorted it out in the end.

I have a boy and girl who bicker constantly I tell them both constantly to be nice to each other and if they can't manage that then to give each other space.

Although 'be nice' is a bit insipid. I suppose better phrases would be

Respect each other
Give each other some space
Speak to each other calmly
Treat each other how you would wish to be treated

They’re obviously winding each other up because of lack of space and resources. They might also be coming down with something, or be thirsty. See to their physical needs. Can they go outside to play a bit more? Maybe they’re getting cabin fever.

You need to teach them to negotiate with each other.

If they squabble over an shared item offer them three resolutions:
Play together and share item
Take turns
World war three

Tell them World war three isn’t an option you can live with obviously, so make them choose between the other two.

Get them involved to writing up their own contracts of behaviour that is acceptable.
Let them know you’ll not tolerate the relentless unkindness, or violence in any form including shouting. Help them write up a code of conduct.
Pin it up on the fridge.

If they’re still being unkind, mean, and violent, and are due a treat, (say a pizza) give it to them alternatively, dd1 this time dd2 next time as they obviously can’t share.
This is especially good if you’re going somewhere. Dd1 has to stay at home this time, as she and dd2 aren’t getting on. Next week dd2 stays home.

They’ll get the picture that you’re adapting their lives to the fact they don’t get on and each are losing out.

They’ll change their behaviour if they’re missing out.

It will also give you a chance to reconnect individually with each child.

Saying “be nice”, or “be a good girl” is pretty useless tbh imo. You need to be very specific with praise and censure for maximum effect.

“Well done on sharing that toy....
Well done on taking turns....
Good job on being well behaved.”

“That is an unkind thing to say, it is against our code of behaviour to be unkind: apologise immediately.”

Siblings don’t have to get on, and may have very different personalities and interests, but a minimum of polite, and kindly behaviour is essential if everyone is to live together with harmony.
You must insist on this for your family.

Sit around the table with everyone and make a wish list of everything you’d like in your home.
Write down their and your suggestions and help them construct a code of behaviour that suits everyone’s needs.

My experience is it isn't THAT you say, "be nice" but WHEN you say "be nice". I see that girls tend to be told it more and for less. The niceness expected sooner and more of it.

By the time they are teens I see the girls rolling their eyes while the boys take up so much of the time, space and energy of those around them.