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Original poster

Daddy say's no...A lot, cos he can - Equal Parental Responsibility.. an abusers charter?

25 replies

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 08:32

My daughter has been dancing since she was 3, she's 13 now, and her teacher has just told us she wants her to audition for the LCB, if she gets in she will dance at Sadler's Wells... She's good and she works hard to be good. As I told my daughter the news we both knew, her dad can say no, just cos. I pay for classes, and always have, I pay for kit, exams, take her and bring her home, but he has equal parental responsibility even though he only pays 1p a month child maintenance and he can, and will say no on a whim, and we will have to go to court AGAIN and it gets his rocks off so much to see us there begging the judge to over rule his PR and let our daughter dance. What message does this give her about her own agency as a young woman, or my agency as a woman and a mother? His only contribution to her life is "NO" and exercising his power... As she left for school this morning the unspoken but mutually acknowledged look of absolute powerlessness between us was heartbreaking.... God I am so tired... AIBU?

OP posts:

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 05/10/2018 08:35

It sounds tough op. How can he say no if you're the one paying for it though? I'm afraid I don't understand.

As an aside, the message she's getting is that there are men like this in the world and that you don't have to put up with their bullshit, because her mum doesn't

NothingOnTellyAgain · 05/10/2018 08:36

YANBU

I have no experince in this area but at 13 isn't it something that she can decide?

I suppose he gets right of veto as if she's dancing professionally she'll miss school?

What an absolute bastard he is.

I read stuff on here all the time like this and it's horrifying. This is classic >> possesions not people stuff.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 05/10/2018 08:37

Yes agree with PP it's you and her as a solid gang and that gives strength

SturdyEarmuffs · 05/10/2018 08:38

No YANBU at all. Any parent who uses their responsibility to exert their power in such an inappropriate way should have the courts consider whether they should have that power at all. But my understanding is they rarely look at this unless there are serious welfare concerns. It is an abusive process in your situation and I wish there was a way to address that more easily. I'd like to think that as she's 13 now, the courts would determine that he can no longer have that level of influence on decisions she's making for herself, with good reasons and a supportive parent who is funding this for her.

I hope your daughter soon gets the freedom to make her choices and determine her future, and the courts uphold that for her.

Hadalifeonce · 05/10/2018 08:38

Does he have to even know about the audition? If not, you only have to really think about it if she is accepted.

I think it's appalling that he can dip into her life so negatively, it's not really parenting is it?

Good luck OP. I'm not in you situation, but inside I think I would present it as a fait accompli, so what if he doesn't like it? It's not like he will withhold maintenance.

LangCleg · 05/10/2018 08:38

YANBU

Something must be done about men using the family courts to perpetuate coercive control.

Badstyley · 05/10/2018 08:50

I don’t quite understand, why does she need his permission? I’ve never needed permission from DS’s dad for anything.

Absolutely agree on the broader point, the authority of the parent with Custody shouldn’t be questioned or over ruled unless there are safeguarding or welfare concerns.

JillyArmeeen · 05/10/2018 09:11

Dont ask his permission.
Send her to the audition and the school with out telling him. And if he's got a problem he can take you to court.. to do what? Remove her from the school?
I doubt he would be able to do that.
How often does he have contact?
I'm assuming it's court ordered?
Im sorry youre in this situation.
If I was you I would stop asking his permission for anything. Its none of his business..
My ex has parental responsibility for our son, he's on the birth certificate and sees him at weekends..
It wouldn't occur to me to ask his permission regarding things like after school activities, holidays or even schooling up to a point.

Original poster

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 09:22

Joint parental responsibility means he can say no, to anything to the (outstanding state) school she goes to (a judge had to override him, but he had no alternative school hadn't even looked for one - this is really not uncommon!) He doesn't have to pay Child Maintenance, 38% of dads the CMS assess as being liable to pay don't... and he's got this fab wheeze of being self employed now, and his Trust Fund is not earned income so that doesn't get counted.... Blah blah.... I appreciate that it's not right, but it is real. If I do just take her to the audition without his consent then he WILL take me to court over it... Yes, he really will! Because he can...

OP posts:

Original poster

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 09:30

I had paid for her to go on a school trip to Italy, I was a good girl and asked his consent he didn't refuse, until I had paid the last instalment of the trip then he said no.... And the (woman) Judge told ME off for not doing what I was told by him... and not just losing the money and leaving her in school, while all the other children went on the trip. When she got into her school he refused consent, he wrote to the Headmistress and said he didn't approve, he wrote to our Priest and threatened him with legal action for supporting her application, she was actually physically sick as a result, all her friends were happily talking about where they were going and she had to wait for Daddy to say yes... Another trip to court, another telling off by a (woman) Judge who clearly had NO idea about how the state system works (Why didn't you make a shortlist of three schools and let Mr X choose? ... Because if your child gets accepted into a good state school they don't keep offers open at all the others...). ARGH! Fucking Gilead.

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/10/2018 09:31

Take her to the audition. Don't tell him. Bluntly, she may not get in... no point looking for trouble before it comes to your door. If she does get in, send her to the school and let him take you to court. A judge is not going to be interested in a talented 13 yo attending a perfectly respectable educational establishment.

I know it's harder than that and I know you're ground down, but you need dig deep and find your courage. So what if he takes you to court? He won't win.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 09:35

I hear you OP, my XH is one of those dickheads too.

He was warned by the last sheriff (after years of this shite) that his PR would be removed if he continued to abuse them in this way.

cupofteaandcake · 05/10/2018 09:36

Are you in the UK? Can you use Gillick competence and let her make the decision:

www.inbrief.co.uk/child-law/children-making-legal-decisions/

LangCleg · 05/10/2018 09:39

So what if he takes you to court? He won't win.

They win this coercive shit in family courts throughout the country every single day.

Family courts are, all too often, theatres of domestic abuse.

Original poster

Highlandheath · 05/10/2018 10:02

I just don't have the energy, or the money, to go to court, again, to allow my daughter, again, to live her life without her father meddling, again.... That's all.... I know I will have to but I really am tired of this shit.

OP posts:

WingsofXXSteel · 05/10/2018 10:13

Stop telling him anything!

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 10:16

How does he find out?

Twatface tried to force me it remove my dc from private school, I was paying their fees. He said in front of the judge that I could be paying off his debts rather than paying school fees.
The judge was shocked and said ‘you don’t seem to care errr concerned about your children...’

Theyre now at a private secondary school. Don’t think twatface even knows where. I’ll tell him should he ask.

Can your daughter get into LCB & just not mention it to her turd of a father?

I was very lucky and unusual in that my last children’s hearing was heard by a judge specialising in domestic violence and she recognised very well what he was playing at & didn’t give him an inch. Thank god. I did have to go thro years and £££££ of court proceedings to get my dc free of him tho.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/10/2018 10:34

I know you're tired OP. It's shit that you're both dealing with this. Believe me when I say I'm trying to bolster, not blame

Hadalifeonce · 05/10/2018 13:17

I can't even imagine being in your situation. I think I would have to consider the long term, trying to overcome his totally absurd attitude. Wouldn't it be wonderful for your DD to live her dream, think of the wonderful life she could have, independent and free.

I do hope this awful situation can be sorted out soon for your and your DD's sake.

zippey · 05/10/2018 13:21

There seems to be a consensus that your ex should only be told things on a need to know basis.

Doyoumind · 05/10/2018 13:30

I feel for you OP. I have an ex with some similarities although not really at the same level of twatishness, which does seem extreme.

This whole thing must surely come to an end soon. She's getting to an age where there can't be too much more than he can control. Hang on in there. One day you will be free, won't you?

Ekphrasis · 05/10/2018 14:06

A friend is still being controlled by her ex through the children because he can say no to things despite only having them one night a week.

Especially things like holidays. He expects her to have them extra to cover him but will never have them one iota of extra time . She is terrified of bringing them back late etc too.

KataraJean · 05/10/2018 14:30

The courts do allow abusers to perpetuate coercive control.

As your child is over twelve, I would look into appointing her an advocate, I forget the proper name, but she needs some one to advocate on her behalf who is not you.

Talk to Women’s Aid, they have lots of experience and also children and young person’s workers.

sarcasticllama · 05/10/2018 20:25

...your ex should only be told things on a need to know basis

^ this

SquirmOfEels · 05/10/2018 20:33

How much of this year's audition, rehearsal and performance schedule actually fall at times when she wouid be with him?

Unfortunately for you, they are strict about performers needing to attend all rehearsals. But wouid he even notice that she was doing it?

(Very little if any is in school time, btw, as the entire cast is children and getting time off can be complex, it will take over weekends and half termso depending on frequency of contact his co-operation will be needed)

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