Needing advice - teen son

[ContentiousOne]

So...GNC teen son (14). We had a good talk last night - he's wondering about his sexuality - is he gay ? is he bi ? - and also his gender identity BUT (and who knows how ? Cos he's on Tumblr like the rest of them) he has gender critical ideas. He raised the idea with me that worrying about gender can be a way of trying to avoid admitting to being gay or bi, and part of internalised homophobia. He understands the difference between sex, gender presentation as a spectrum from masculine to feminine, gets that non binary is not a thing, understands that he doesn't have sex based dysphoria, knows that lesbians are getting a hard time from genderists, believes the movement to be sexist. Tbh I was pretty blown away as most of our convo was me agreeing with him. He's applied a lot of critical thinking to his confused feelings. Which...wow. Smart kid.

So, what's the problem ? He wants some extra counselling support to talk about his feelings around being gay or bi. And around being GNC. And I think that's reasonable; although we had an awesome talk, he may want to discuss some things not with his mum. But I am scared to send him to any youth or LBGT oriented counselling service. He told me he knows that some counsellors push the gender narrative, and I'm really frightened of that happening to him, and I know it's more likely in the above settings.

So...what do I do ? He wants to see a woman, so I could look for a feminist therapist, but then, I don't trust feminist as a descriptor any more. I'd need to find a rad fem therapist who works with GNC teens. I don't even know if such a person exists in my city, or how to find them!

I suppose it boils down to; ds currently having his head screwed on properly in a very confusing time and context, wanting extra support around being GNC and maybe gay or bi, and me not wanting to inadvertantly mess with that by choosing the wrong provider...and i am scared all the providers are wrong!

i don't know any GNC gay guys IRL or otherwise I would look to them for suggestions.

What to do ? I told ds I needed time to look into the best kind of support, and that we'd talk again at the end of the week.

Sorry, I have no advice, but both you and your son sound awesome!

It was a really excellent talk. After we finished talking, I gave him a hug and he said 'wow, this went way better than I thought it would!'. So yeah, I did OK with the talk, I just want to do OK with the support as well.

Some of my anxiety is around him having a trans masc older sister also. She's reached her majority, she's getting the appropriate mental health support and I am at peace with her doing whatever she needs to do as an adult, but ds is seven years younger. And honestly ? He is likely just a gay kid who likes to paint his nails. No body dysphoria at all, other than typical teen stuff. So I really don't believe he is even close to having anything other than a more feminine gender presentation. But I do worry about him being pushed in a gender direction.

Your DS sounds like an amazing, thougful, smart kid with a kind and supportive Mum.

I can only comment as a lesbian. But a few points: being a camp gay guy is said to be frowned upon, in the same way butch lesbians see "no butches please" on dating adverts, camp men see "masc only" or "no camp guys". However if he's young plenty of predatory older men will overlook their distaste for camp guys. Which is obviously to be avoided. Gay/lesbian culture is way more accepting of huge age gaps, perhaps out of necessity, perhaps because older people come out later in life and want to experience more. It can lead to some grim domestic abuse, which nobody likes to talk about.
Your son is 14 so he's a child. His peers at school will be forming relationships and having a snog and he won't be, and that will be difficult for him.
In the old days I'd advise sending him to a gay youth group but I think they're all transified now. Perhaps an old school gay male therapist can help him work through his concerns?
Really what he needs are friends who are similar to him, I don't know where to even begin to look online for that.
Good luck OP and if I think of anywhere/anything that would help I'll come back to this thread. I wish my mum had been like you when I was coming out back then!

Is his dad still around? What is his dad like - any support there?

You both sound ace.

Is his dad still around? What is his dad like - any support there?
That's a good point. If his dad accepts him as a gay lad it might boost his self esteem

Thanks Turph, appreciated.

His dad is around but not engaged. Ds is not comfortable talking to him about intimate things. His dad is likely to be uncomfortable with the idea of him being gay, but not overtly homophobic. He tends to take his cues from me...when dd came out as lesbian, he really looked to my reaction (congratulations honey!) to decide how to respond. But idk, blokes can get funny about their sons. In any case, not a good resource for ds.