My DD6 just said 'I wish you could change gender'

[herethereandeverywhere]

Honestly, I'm . I'm trying to understand whether she's heard it elsewhere but so far I've found out she thinks she learnt the word gender from DD8. We live in a non-English speaking country (though at English speaking International School) so access to anything in the media is highly unlikely.

She is a classic tomboy, will only wear boys clothes (costs me as she won't wear any of DD1s hand me downs), only has boys as friends, is distressed when her hair grows long and cries, makes a real issue until we take her to the hairdressers for a short cut. She described he clothes as boys clothes, her hair as boys hair. This has been the case since she was 3 and I have posted about it previously.

I'm actually very relaxed about her choices and at every turn we explain away stereotypes ( girls can play football/have short hair, boys can wear pink/have long hair etc) her school have not questioned the fact she wears boys uniform.

I've tried asking why she said it and explaining how she can do or be anything as a girl. I'm not planning on confronting or raising it again but I'm .

I'm very concerned about the rise in trans activism, the transitioning of children via harmful irreversible medical processes.

I'm not sure why I'm even posting this... just a bit shaken and wondering how I handle anything similar in the future I guess.

Just tell her it's just hair and clothes. Boys or girls it doesn't matter. Girls can like 'boys' stuff and vice versa - who made the rules anyway?

Watch and wait. I was like that as a child and I grew out of it. Well, I still wear 'men's' clothes but I am happy to be female.

My 6 year old was going on about ‘girly-girls’ and ‘Tom boys’ the other day. I had a 😳 moment but she hasn’t picked it up at school, it’s from her step sister (12, lives with her mum most of the time).

I just said you can be whatever kind of girl you want to be, and most girls like a mix of things and dividing people into categories is unnecessary because all girls are girls in their own unique way, none of us are exactly alike.

It gave me the SHIVERS though!

My sister was exactly like this when we were little. She's still a female but Christ alone knows what could have happened to her if we were kids these days (and my parents weren't so cool with it all).

My six year old daughter is very similar. She only wears boys clothes and is mistaken for a boy all the time. As far as I'm concerned, she's a kid trying things out. I just say you can wear what clothes you want, you are a girl and girls are great. The research suggests that most preteen girls wanting to be boys change at adolescence. I suspect she will change as she grows up but if not, so be it.

To be clear we have been telling her "it's just hair and clothes. Boys or girls it doesn't matter. Girls can like 'boys' stuff and vice versa" for the last 3.5 years - this statement about wishing she could change gender is a whole new level.

I'm going to carry on as before with being cool and accepting (not sure how she'll react if we move and the new school insists on 'girls uniform' but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)

Bribes worked with my sister. Oh the drama when she was to be a bridesmaid! She got new drumsticks out of it!

Someone will be along soon to tell you that you're denying her her reality and authentic self.

Meanwhile, many of us will probably say 'well, you can break away from the gender boxes that other people sometimes want to put is in'.

There are so many pressures and images right now, both in traditional media, social media, and from the local environment that deliver the message of what is 'a girl' and what is 'a boy' right now, that have intensified in their polarisation in the last decade.

There's absolutely no reason why she can't do all the things that other people sometimes class as 'boys things' whilst still being a female. Sounds like you're doing all the chilled things that allow her to do this.

It's the environment that conditions their fears. What if we were back in the time where men wore heels, powder, long wigs and fake 'beauty' moles? Which clothes would they choose then?

AsAProfessional I have no desire to bribe her into clothing she doesn't like or that make her feel uncomfortable and sad, however, we did resort to bribing (a male superhero fancy dress costume) when she was bridesmaid at a wedding. She wore the assigned outfit but was unhappy and clingy all day... we're over 2 years on from that and I'm not sure I'd handle it in the same way now.

She's little. But she's picked up, somewhere, the idea that 'being a girl is' something, and 'being a boy's is something different which to her seems more appealing. And you need to get to the nub of that. I bet it has nothing to do with bodies, and everything to do with associations she's making with each sex.

Find out what 'being a girl' means to her that she doesn't like, and what being a boy means that she does.

I expect a whole bunch of negative associations have become connected to girl in her mind, and they WILL be ones you can break, because they will be typical 6 year old stereotypes that she's picked up from others.

She needs examples of girls like her doing what she wants and awesome women role models (like you!)

I think male privilege is on the rise and little girls notice that men have more freedom and more fun, especially if you like things that are traditionally male interests.

If she has only come across the word "gender" when talking to her 8yo sibling, then it seems fair to assume that she has been given a limited explanaton of "gender" and that she doesn't really know what "gender" is. There is plenty of scope for you to remind her about all the different ways there are to be a girl.

She might like reading Pippi Longstocking too.

My toddler has just breastfed his teddy. I'm reaching for the phone to Dr Webberley now.

notme that's adorable!
My friends son is 5, loves the colour pink, is big into art and drama and I overheard someone say "hes probably gay"
What hope have children got with attitudes like that

I rebelled against everything stereotypically female as a child
What i actually hated was the scratchy, tight dresses my Mam dressed me in. The painful side pony hairstyle that was a Sunday feature.
I wanted to be like my brothers,
playing in the dirt and being a kid!

I have no desire to bribe her into clothing she doesn't like

Why not? We all have to wear clothes we don't like from time-to-time so she may as well get used to it now. Whether it's school uniform, workwear, or formal attire at a wedding, people have to learn that in society it's not all about me, me, me all the time.

DD1 hated getting school clothes and shoes. Now - provided she gets enough notice - she doesn't kick up much fuss, and understands that her only input is whether it fits and the small details where variance is allowed.

She also said she wanted to be a boy and listed all the positives.
Then she listed the negatives and changed her mind...

Hm. Are the boys at her school doing stuff different than girls (Soccer vs gymnastics) or is there a group of cool boys she wants to be part of? She also might have a crush on a girl that fawns over a boy. Or a crush on a boy and she imagines how cool it would be to be Tom Sawyer & huck Finn buddies. ( I had crushes at that age). It could be so many things.

I grew up on the Famous Five books. I know they're horribly dated now, but George was a great role model for girls back then; something I never appreciated at the time, but on reflection, probably subliminally made me think that girls can do anything. I always regarded homely Anne as a complete sap.

C'mon JK Rowling, weave your magic specifically for today's little girls.

My dd12 has always preferred blue, and clothes from the boys section. She's 12 now and I've always had that conversation really that gender is a made up thing and although she's got a female body, she can wear and do whatever she feels suits her best. Hair is just hair, clothes are just clothes and toys too. She is growing into an adult body with, I hope, understanding of its human pros and cons, I want all our children to be able to be individual and tailor their dress etc to suit their own aesthetic. The little girl pink unicorn culture is so strong I'm not surprised some children reject it. There are plenty of adult women (most) who don't dress up to the nines and wear loads of sparkles, prefer ale or vehicles whatever. It's ALL normal.

Do you have any women friends that arent entirely typically femimine?
When my daughter started talking like this about wishing she was a boy, I talked to her all about the interesting and unusual women we know and explained that there wasnt just one way to be a girl and that anything she wanted to do or wear or behave like was just as ok for girls as it was for boys. Shes much more comfortable being who she is now we are a few years on. Shes not stereotypically feminine and probably never will be and thats fine with me. Loads of kids dont relate to these gender stereotypes we have rammed down our throats.

I didn't mean bribe into everyday clothes.

Just the odd one here and there if necessary (a uniform or something that isn't negotiable). Like you do with other things (eat your greens and to can have some strawberries after).

It's not a big thing - as I said, my sister was absolutely the same as a child. We have photos of her in top hat and tails at one wedding (holding a pint that someone thought it would be funny if she held) when she was about 10.

FFS she's only 6. lots of kids say things like that and in most cases nothing ever comes of it. Just carry on as you are and see what happens when she's older.

This obsession on MN with transgender and gender fluid really pisses me off. The slightest comment or action sends everyone into a huge panic and making assumptions. You say you aren't bothered yet your post suggests otherwise.

This obsession on MN with transgender and gender fluid really pisses me off.

Since there are groups like GIRES actively planting false dreams to toddlers with an end-point of bodily mutilation and/or suicide, I for one, am extremely grateful for this "obsession" of mumsnetters.

I think it's a very strange choice of words for a six year old.

I've just been out walking the dogs and my 6 year old son said he wished he was a girl. "you what? What do you mean? Where's this coming from?"

I was worried it had been a "topic" at school.

Turns out he wanted to dress up as a girl and jump out from behind a door at mentor give me a fright. Strange child. 😁

I was like this at the same age OP. Given the choice I would have been a boy, because boys seemed to be allowed to do the things I wanted to do and was good at doing, where I was being pushed all unwilling into a box marked 'girl' where there were a lot of things I was crap at or wasn't interested in. The clothes thing was part of that for me, because the clothes tend to demarcate what activities were available. Thankfully, I was brought up on a farm in the middle of bloody nowhere and required to work on it, so skirts weren't at all practical and I eventually realised that you can be female whatever you wear or do. I'd just smile kindly, ignore as much as possible and see what happens in a few years.