Is it too late to reclaim "gender nonconforming"?

[NoodleEatingPoodle]

It's a term I'm increasingly seeing used by people describing their experiences with 'trans' children, in articles like this one, where the author/parent is so thoroughly steeped in gendered assumptions that in her reality, girl = pink, princess, sassy, sparkles, and Disney movies, while boy = dump trucks, soccer balls, pockets full of rocks, and liking to eat. Therefore when her son preferred the things she associates with "girl", the logical conclusion was that he's really a girl, not a boy who prefers dress-up to dump trucks.

It's the end result of incredibly rigid expectations about gender, and the ultimate in gender conformity: "you don't conform to rigid expectations of what a boy should be like, therefore you are not one."

And yet... This author, and others who subscribe to the ideology, use the term "gender non-conforming" and the idea of "shattering gender" as a synonym for 'being trans'. From the linked article: "Our rigid expectations around gender are being shattered by the upcoming generations" and "1 in 2 kids are at a risk of committing or attempting suicide if not supported with their gender nonconformity."

Now that "gender critical" seems to be catching on as the accepted term for those of us who recognise gender as a harmful construct, can we rescue 'gender non-conforming' from being co-opted to mean the opposite of what it actually means?

Surely it's people who are critical of gender who refuse to conform to it, who try not to push their kids to conform to it, who are working to 'shatter' it? Not those who believe in and promote gender as an intrinsic and edifying aspect of male and female identity? 'Gender non-conforming' has long been a descriptor of kids and adults who put two fingers up to the idea that 'being a girl/boy' means dressing or behaving in a certain way or having certain interests and not others. If I wasn't following this issue closely, I would hear people arguing the case for 'gender non-conformity' and that's the side of the argument I'd think I should be on, maybe not realising that it doesn't mean what it used to mean.

I know there are bigger fish to fry. But language is so important. Should we be making a point of using/claiming 'gender non-conforming' as representative of our position, and challenging its use by people who think it means that if the personality doesn't conform to the sex, the answer is to make the 'gender' conform to the personality?

Yes. And that's exactly how I use it being the mother of two gender non conforming children and being non gender confirming myself.

Both of my children have friends who are non gender conforming but, my daughter in particular, has a number who conform very rigidly. Largely, I suspect due to their parents.

Agreed. I've also been wondering about the term non binary.

Here is Stonewall on the term "non binary":

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity doesn’t sit comfortably with ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Non-binary identities are varied and can include people who identify with some aspects of binary identities, while others reject them entirely.

And on "trans"

An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.
Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, two-spirit, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman,trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.

By these descriptions me, my partner and our kids are non binary (and possibly agender but there is no descriptor for that) and hence trans.

So in theory this means I could become a voice for trans people if I shouted loud enough. This really would not sit right with me as I think my experiences are very different to those of, say, a transsexual. It would feel extremely rude to take a platform from somebody else.

I have not come out to my friends and family as non binary because why on earth would they care? What possible difference could it make to my relationships with the people who already know the ins and outs of my personality? But I am getting increasingly frustrated with this assumption that, just because I am not a raging narcissist, I identify with and thus accept the female gender that society has foisted upon me.

If we end up with a world that identifies people by gender and not sex, I will be forced to use the term non binary though, because I would be lying if I identified with the gender "woman". I can't imagine I'm the only one.

urgh not enough attention to detail to master bolding. is attention to detail a male or female trait i wonder?

If we end up with a world that identifies people by gender and not sex, I will be forced to use the term non binary though, because I would be lying if I identified with the gender "woman". I can't imagine I'm the only one.

Quite.

But aren't most people GNC? All of probably do some things that conform to our gender stereotype and some things that don't. It is useful to have that term as verb sometimes to reflect on aspects of how we live but the problem for me is when it becomes a label.

Online in debates I describe myself as a Gnc woman that comes under stonewall's umbrella. I have also described myself as a penis fetishist to someone who called lesbians vagina fetishists. I'm clearly female but they can't call me cis because my identity is my own and I'm not lying about my biology.

Maybe we should say that trans is actually highly gender conforming...

To be 'gender non-conforming' implies a certain acceptance of gender stereotypes, though?

Whereas to be 'gender critical' suggests calling out gender as a bullshit invention of the patriarchy.

Sex is grounded in reality. But having a vag and ovaries doesn't make me kind, or compassionate, or concerned about my appearance. Society tries to impose that on me. Thank god I'm northern and can claim aggression as my feminine stereotype instead.

Spartacus I think 'gender non conforming' only acknowledges that gender (that bullshit invention of the patriarchy) exists, not that it's acceptable. I the same way that 'gender critical' does.

It's not even that I love the term as a descriptor for those who aren't into stereotypes. It just annoys me to see it used to describe those who are so bound to stereotypes that they think personality traits determine who is male and who is female!

It might be more of a pedant thing than a GC thing, to be fair . Like people who use 'literally' to mean 'figuratively'. Why use a word to describe the exact opposite of what the word means?!??

This article by Rebecca Reilly-Cooper outlines the problems with seeing gender as a spectrum, a d also has a very good section on non-binary identification. Largely that everyone is non-binary, as no one is a living, breathing, walking, talking stereotype, but for non-binary, and gender non-conformity as personal gender identification to make sense, the majority of other people have to be forced into being a totally conforming stereotype.

I do think it would be interesting to see, though, how TRAs would react if we all started declaring ourselves gender non-conforming, and therefore also trans.

Not only would they not be special anymore, but they would really have to tie themselves in knots, to explain why self-IDing into someone elses identity is colonisation and appropriation, and a harmful thing to do.

Oops, forgot the link.

aeon.co/essays/the-idea-that-gender-is-a-spectrum-is-a-new-gender-prison

Hi Fallin, thanks is for linking that excellent article, I read it when it came out and it was the first piece I felt comfortable sharing on social media.

It's interesting to find out that others regard 'gender non conforming' to be similar to 'nonbinary' as a sort of 'everyone else fits on these boxes but i'm special and don't' kind of statement.

I have always taken the phrase 'gender non-conforming' to be a statement more along the lines of 'I don't buy in to this gender role bullshit'. Breaking the boundaries and pushing them out for everyone, like Bowie, like Grace Jones, like Prince. And in more significant ways, like the suffragettes: 'no I won't conform to your bullshit idea of what a woman's life should be.'

It doesn't mean anything close to 'nonbinary' to me.

Actually Fallin I think you've put your finger on something.. "gender non-conformity as personal gender identification" is a very different idea than gender non-conformity as a refusal to bow to and enable an oppressive hierarchical construct.

What they mean by it is not what has always been meant by it. But then, we could say that about a lot of words.