Mother-in-law refuses to accept I didn't change my name

[BadElsa]

My MIL has always refused to acknowledge that I didn't change my name when I married her son. Now she's sent me a cheque for my birthday addressed to my married name (that I've never used). Is there anyway I can deposit this if I take my marriage certificate to the bank? I do have a joint account with my husband.

My mil is the same about me keeping my name. On many occasions she has told me stories about her "daft" neighbour who kept her own name after marriage...a crazy lady she was!
I have also had a cheque in my married name(for my kids) given to me. I brought it to the bank and they lodged it into my account no problems. I am in Ireland but I assume it's the same in the UK.

You possibly can. I did this once about 28 years ago, but banks might not allow it now.

Why not send it back. I have once or twice for either my DC or me, and folk were happy to send another cheque.

Your MIL is being exceptionally rude .

Pay it into the joint account at the machine. Never had any issues doing this even when in wrong name.

Send it back with a little note saying sorry unable to cash this cheque as it has the incorrect name on it. As you know my name is xxxx xxxxx. Many thanks.

Why would you accept it?

I'd send it back with a really polite thank you note explaining you can't pay it in to a bank as that's not your name.

yeah you can. I double barrelled part of my name with my husbands to make a new surname and I got lots of cheques at my wedding which were written to my maiden name or my husbands old last name neither of which were my actual last name then. Because you can clearly see where my new last name came from if you look at the marriage certificate and the bank knew who I was and what my old name was... they let me put cheques written in either name into my bank.
So just go in with some ID and the marriage certificate and have a word with them, it should be fine.

and your MIL is nuts but it doesnt really make any difference what she accepts... the reality is you didnt change your name and thats the end of it!

Yes you can bank it. My GM died last year and left me a small amount of money, I presume her will was written before I married and the cheque was made out to my maiden name.
The bank (Natwest) allowed me to bank it, I just needed my marriage certificate and drivers license as ID.

Had a few relatives do this. Some just didn’t understand (thought women had to change names by law). DH and I don’t have a joint account (14 years on). I would either ask them to correct it (a pain for them) or just didn’t cash them. I dont think it’s much of a gift If it’s addressed to someone else.

Do you need the money? I’d treat this as the passive aggressive game that it is, thank her kindly, then not lodge the cheque. If she asked eventually, I’d say the bank wouldn’t accept it as it wasn’t in my name, but no matter, and I’d smile sweetly.
Nobody gains from that, but nobody gains from taking a stand - unless the money does matter to you.
Btw it is a very rude and aggressive thing to not accept someone’s name - I had this problem too and eventually told MIL she was being disrespectful. To her credit she hadn’t realised (she is dim and tactless) but somehow thought she was forcing affection on me. Strange woman.
You’ll know your own business best but I’d be gently and quietly withdrawing from her in your shoes!

I suspect she's done it on purpose and is waiting for a reaction. Don't give her one except thanks and, cash the cheque with no further comment.

Agree, send it back and say it’s not your name.

My MIL is the same and especially won’t accept that the DC have don’t have DH’s name alone. She even told me, quite angrily, that children need their father’s name.

Make sure you send her one with her maiden name, neither of you will have a birthday present this time, but she'll get the message.
Or send it back as unable to cash, although she probably expects you to do this, so she can say if you weren't so unreasonable there wouldn't be a problem.

Why would you accept it?

Make sure you send her one with her maiden name, neither of you will have a birthday present this time, but she'll get the message.

Haha this ^^

I’ve noticed this time and time again: the women who deliberately use a ‘married’ surname for a family member who hasn’t in fact changed their name are very insecure about their own status and lack of achievements and recognition beyond marriage and family. I have never seen a woman who has kept her own surname “forget” the right surname when another woman has changed hers. It’s always in one direction.

I get this quite a bit - bizarrely it's mainly from my family, not DH's.

I decided that for anything social, to just ignore it, as I feel the odd envelope or place card isn't worth causing a fuss over.

But I always return cheques, with a friendly note thanking the sender and reminding them that I have not changed my name and have no way to pay it in because it is written to an identity that does not exist.

I think it will depend upon the bank as I’ve struggled to do so. Although, frustratingly, I’ve been told by bank tellers that it is fine to pay in cheques in a maiden surname with proof of a marriage certificate but not the other way round. I suppose they were saying a name I was or am known by is fine but not a name I have never held. I found it all very annoying.

Lloyd’s I was able to register my marriage certificate with them once and use both names (I didn’t change my name but 15 yrs on still get cheques made out in dh’s surname).

NatWest - have to take a marriage certificate in each time, each time they think I want to change my nAme on the account. They just don’t get (well their systems!) that just because you don’t change your name on marriage that there are still certain individuals that don’t get this (deliberately or not) ad send a cheque with the wrong name on, and that this is not an oversight on your part. You want to keep your old name but use the new one occasionally - this should be a perfectly normal use case that their systems cope with but as it doesn’t affect me it doesn’t get thought about.

I am glad no-one (yet) has mentioned it being an age thing. I have a teenage GC, so I am not young. I never assume that a married woman has taken the DH's name. Very recently I went to a wedding and I was going to write them a cheque, then I realised I didn't know if she was changing her name, so I just gave them cash. Which was just as well as she hasn't changed her name.

It took me about 10 years of pointing out that I hadn't changed my name for it to finally get through to my MIL. We had the cheque issue as well, so she switched to making them out to my DH instead to avoid the issue. Then she went with hyphenating our names (also wrong). I didn't give up but I think it took my DH consistently reminding her before birthdays etc for it to finally sink in that I was actually serious! Draining.

We had lots of different variations of our names on cheques as wedding presents. It was fine and we managed to cash them all. However I got one for my "chief bridesmaid" (didn't really do bridesmaids to be honest but she was closest to that traditional role) made out to Myname Hissurname which she apsolutely KNEW was never going to be an option for me, she knew but she didn't agree so did a passive aggressive dig. It was the last in a long line of similar digs related to the wedding and lack of tradition in how we did things. I didn't cash the cheque and essentially dissolved the friendship. It's amazing what a wedding/trying to get married on your own terms reveals about people close to you.

And my DB (who is also old) texts me to ask my GC's surnames every time they have a birthday so we are not all tactless

My ddil didn't change her name when she married Ds. He doesn't care. He might even change his name to hers. Do I care? Do I fuck! What's in a name?

Love this single! ^