Why do women keep apologising?

[auntethel]

I was on another thread posting with a bloke. I asked a question which he didn't want to answer (fair enough, obviously). But when he said this, he just stated matter of fact "I don't want to answer that". I realised that, if it had been the other way round, I would have said "sorry, I don't want to answer that really". What the hell is the "sorry" and "really" for? I've only been noticing little things like this since I've been coming onto the feminist chat. I'm really pissed of with myself, I must have been doing it all my life without even noticing! Does anyone else apologise for no reason whatsoever?

Ladybirds spot on there. I wish I'd found feminism chat sooner.

Some of it is cultural. Brits of both sexes tend to apologise a lot - but women do it more on balance.

Oh and Ladybirds is right about the menopause thing although I personally found that I had to get a few years after it to stop giving a toss. By 70 I had really cracked it and am officially an old crone. 'Tis wonderful.

Well, I've done it! I just got the slap in the face look which Longtalljosie posted about. Dh, lovely man, but......has this irritating habit of when we're talking whilst standing close to each other, he starts picking "bits" off me. Such as the odd hair, crumb, etc. Usually, I get annoyed, push his hand away and say "please don't do that, I'm not a bloody monkey!" Then I've lost the drift of the conversation. (Serious conversations, we sit down so thats ok) Today, I stepped back and said "every time you do that when we're talking it devalues what I'm saying". And there it was, the slapped face look.

Thanks for replies, btw.

Excellent start. Excellent. Now how he reacts will tell you a lot

Unpacking the conditioning is hard work and sometimes it is easier to go along to get along. I preface my speculative remarks sometimes with 'I could be wrong'. That is as much as I am prepared to give away.
This may seem silly but I was deeply affected as a teen by a scene in Captain Newman, M.D. The psychiatrist explains to the orderly that when dealing with patients you should state your beliefs instead of what you think because they can argue with what you think but not what you believe.
I watched men use that tactic in political discussions on the news and was appalled.
What does that have to do with anything? How we talk has everything to do with everything. I was 16 and that was the first tool I was given to start the unpacking of the man made myths I had been conditioned to accept.

There are only very limited circumstances when it is appropriate to take responsibility for things you did not do and mistakes you did not make. It is a habit we need to break and has the extra advantage of teaching people to hear women when we speak.

It’s a British thing too, but deffo conditioning- it’s like excusing yourself for having a view you think may be contrary to the one the person your speaking to might hold. It makes me think of the film Notting Hill where we are all supposed to be floppy haired agreeable types when I’m writing this! Ive got to stop saying it now- I’m just gonna keep having visions of 90’s Hugh grant when I say or hear it.

The charming stumble bum pretense? When I saw that film I thought, no wonder your wife saw through you.

I find that men are better at saying 'I think x'. Even if they don't apologise for having an opinion
No. Men just say what they think. Even if it's bollocks! Women say "I think.." and then state an opinion.

I'm learning but sometimes it seems like one step forward and two steps back. the bewildered you began at 16, I'm 60, have a lot of catching up to do

Its all so pervasive isn't it.

This may seem silly but I was deeply affected as a teen by a scene in Captain Newman, M.D. The psychiatrist explains to the orderly that when dealing with patients you should state your beliefs instead of what you think because they can argue with what you think but not what you believe.
I watched men use that tactic in political discussions on the news and was appalled

Still at it aren't they thebewilderness, with believing they are actual women etc.