Raising men.

[helpawomanout]

I am a single mother to 3 boys, their father has many issues - especially regarding the treatment of women. I find him to be a rather toxic role model but that's something I have come to accept I can't change.

I have one teenager and two toddlers. The teenager had recently started to worry me, just little things. Beyoncé's 'run the world' came on and he decided to change the word to boys, he laughed when I said I get paid to look after children and then said it's not fair that his dad has no money because he 'works'. There's been a few other little things but I can't remember the exact scenarios. He's kind, nurturing and very openly emotional so I'm not worried about him being too manly in gender - if that makes sense.

What I'm trying to ask is how do I raise my boys to respect women as equals, without making it feel anti-man? His dad is the typical "idiot women drivers", "feminism is just man hate" kind of person so I need help making my children see this attitude is wrong.

Anyone got some advice?

No advice, but it concerns me too. For 10 years or more, alongside the funded extreme right across the west, young men and boys have been being targetted by sexist chauvinists on line and in the generic media without our knowledge or consent. Not good.

Just keep talking is all I can suggest. Some listen and think for themselves.

As feminism isn't taught or disseminated anywhere in mainstream school education, make sure they get a wee bit of a history lesson. In my experience, they find it quite interesting, especially as it has so many parallels with the history of racism in the west, in which most thoughtful youngsters have an interest.

Find a positive male role model, scouts, sports leader to help model positive behaviour. For your older boy user news stories to open discussion about the role of women in the world, try reading raising boys by Stephen Biddulph. Lots off great ideas, he also has a Facebook page which can be very helpful all about raising caring, emotionally equipped boys. It's very interesting and is something that had helped me handle various situations with my son.
Every time you hear something come out of your boys mouth that you feel is wrong, pull them up on it and remind them that women are necessary, without us they would not be here, that the world needs both sexes as equals not one lording it over the other.

Tbh I just talk openly with my DS.

He was shocked about how relatively recently women got equal voting privileges for example.

I don't make a point about sitting down and lecturing him - but I'm very conscious of piggybacking on situations as they occur eg items on the news, someone behaving inappropriately in a movie etc

I also tend to ask questions like how to you think the woman in question felt about xyz? What do think about that mans behaviour? What do you think about this policy on the news?

Rather than just tell him "what to think". I want him to form his own conclusions by giving him pertinent information and asking questions that allow him to think critically and arrive at conclusions himself.

If he makes a statement (which is admittedly very rare now he's a teen and pretty clued up) which I find questionable I tell him so and why - he either gets it straight away or we talk it through (if not possible at the time, then later) but I don't ignore it.

We did have a very good conversation about all women's shortlist's an Labour policy for over an hour about 6 months ago.

DH is enlightened so I'm not fighting a battle on that front and is a good role model, but I'd still do the same in your situation OP.

In short don't lecture, but don't ignore any misogyny and talk it through by asking him questions to enabling good critical thinking would be my advice.

'Misogyny is for idiots. ' misogyny can be replaced with any negative belief system and idiots with any intellect based slur. Sometimes snobbery is that way. Although the Beyonce song is actually really annoying (and not at all promoting a gender equally society so arguably sending a bad message). How much of his father dies your son actually see? I wouldn't encourage the relationship if his father us one of those types to be perfectly honest. Not all parents are worth staying in touch with.

Thank you for the advice so far, it's along the lines of what I've been doing but I'll definitely make an effort to avoid lecturing. He is naturally very empathetic so drawing on that side of him is a very good way to help him understand.

He seems him an evening in the week and occasionally at the weekend, he's not his biggest fan and in no way approves of the things he has heard him say against me. Whilst we were together my son was a lot worse, we have been apart for 3 months and the change in his attitude is very positive so I know it's not something he naturally feels.

Beyoncé's song is empowering (and annoying as hell) but the message is men v women which is why that incident threw me. I didn't know what to say at all!