When did you become aware ...

[buckingfrolicks]

How old were you and what happened, to make you aware that you were not in a female-safe world? I can't remember when it dawned on me, but at some point growing up I must have realised that eg I had to be careful out as a 7/8/9 year old.

I've been thinking about this while out for a walk alone, and recognising that I am just "aware" that I'm vulnerable, a single woman out walking. And then I thought as a young girl I must have had a moment when it dawned on me that I was female, and that the world was less open or open at the cost of chronic low key vigilance. My DB never had this shift I'm sure.

This may make no sense to anyone. Im curious though if anyone has a clearer memory of this.

I don’t ever remember a time that I’d wasn’t aware that, as a female, I wasn’t vulnerable. I grew up in a household that women were treated as lesser ‘objects’ and the males put on a pedestals. Females waited until the males ate, then had what was left. Sexual and physical violence was ‘normal’ and set me up as a target for those type of men. I grew up waiting for men to assault me and took a long time to realise that my dear sweet husband would never ever raise his hand or voice to me.

He was teaching me how to drive a car and I stalled it. I sat with my hands gripping the steering wheel and he asked what was wrong. I said “I’ve stalled” and he answered “I know. Sure everyone does, when they’re learning. Just start her up and try again. You’ll soon get the hang of it”. I was really confused and shocked at how calm he was. He was so matter of fact about it and was actually stunned when I told him years later, that I was waiting for him to shout at me or even hit me. He was actually very upset that I was afraid. His dad had brought all the boys up to respect women and the girls up to accept nothing less than respect.

I fucking hate violent men and will fight to my last breath to protect women only places. I wish Mumsnet was around when I was young.

@PositivelyPERF

I recognise that.

I was probably in my mid30s before I realised that abuse wasn't just a standard part of relationships and that not everyone's relationship had looked like that.

My childhood was violent. My boyfriends often hit me and my first serious boyfriend's grandma used to tell me that it was only because he loved me so much. If he hadn't loved me, then I wouldn't have been able to upset him so much so easily...

I have actually ended fledgling relationships because I've taken the lack of anger/threats/violence as a sign that they're just not that into me.

My Dad is a violent alcoholic.
I am still afraid around my in-laws, even though they have never been anything other than gentle and caring towards me, and my DiL is physically frail.
It is so ingrained in me that family occasions are terrifying.
My husband dropped a plate when he was doing the washing up at my in-laws. Nothing broken, no harm done, nobody said a word. I still had to run out and cry because I was so afraid of what I had expected was the inevitable screaming.
It is hard to deal with. I learned to be constantly on an adrenaline edge. To start rows just to get them over with, because they were inevitable but at least I could control the timing. I have had to unlearn as an adult a lot of the patterns ingrained in me as a child. I am so fortunate that my DH is exceptionally gentle and kind, because I can easily see how I could have ended up with someone like my Dad in my own adult relationships.

to previous posters

My heart is so sore for those of you living with the after-effects

I've been trying to think what the catalyst was for me, because I'm one of those seemingly rare women who's never had to deal with anything beyond the odd cat-call. But I can trace the awareness back to the murder of a teenage girl in my tiny little town which led to a huge outpouring of "stranger danger" education, even though it was nothing of the sort. I remember my gran whispering to my mum to ask if I went to school via the murder site.

I was just five when it happened.

Sadly, all the violence I have experienced at the hands of men was facilitated, minimised and excused, directly and indirectly, by women who should have, and could have, protected me.

My children (one of each) have grown up with very different messages about the world to I did and we have no contact with my mother at all to try and break the pattern of tolerating abusive and violent men.

Maybe it’s only in our generation that not tolerating abuse became a realistic strategy.

Don’t know if anyone else has read Gorky:My Childhood, for what women used to do before we had rights.....

I remember the first time that my younger brother could consistently beat me at wrestling - I was about 9, he was about 7 and suddenly he was always stronger than me. I realised at that point that females are indeed the weaker sex

I remember a science teacher telling the girls to carry on with their work and the boys to come over and look at the new machine he had just received. I was 11 and this was my first introduction to institutionalised sexism